


Slip out of your hands

by lady_starrlight



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before Fusion, Coran is Stormy, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Making Out, Mature conversations about sex, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Romelle is Mrs. Rothschild, Vaginal Sex, they're 17-18 in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:02:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 51,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25295140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_starrlight/pseuds/lady_starrlight
Summary: Keira’s letters are her most secret possessions. There are five total: Regina from camp, Lainey from seventh grade, Rianna from homecoming, Jamie Griffin from Model UN. And Addison. She writes a letter when she has a crush so intense that she doesn’t know what else to do.Shiro would say she’s being dramatic, but Keira thinks drama can be kind of fun…...just as long as no one else knows about it....A To All The Boys I've Loved Before AU.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 21





	1. To All the Girls I've Loved Before

**Author's Note:**

> This is more based on the books, which I hated, and the first movie, which I loved. Lana Condor is just really adorable.
> 
> Title from the book: “When someone's been gone a long time, at first you save up all the things you want to tell them. You try to keep track of everything in your head. But it's like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: all the little bits slip out of your hands, and then you're just clutching air and grit.”
> 
> Unbeta'd, still don't have one. Character guide at the end.

_ “I don’t have to be so afraid of good-bye, because good-bye doesn’t have to be forever.” _

//

_ Please, Please, Please, Let me get what I want _ by the Smiths croons over from the television as Keira digs her shittily painted purple nails into the knit blanket that Shiro had knitted for her in the seventh grade. Cameron takes his place in front of _ A Sunday on La Grande Jatte _ , staring at Seurat’s use of pointillism as the scene shifts to Sloane and Ferris, bathed in the blue light of Marc Chagall’s  _ America Windows _ .

Keira sighs. All Ferris has to do is look at Sloane before they’re kissing, wrapped up in each other as if no one else existed in the world.

As they’re doing that, the camera zooms into Cameron’s face, then the painting, then Cameron’s face again.

Keira sighs. She figures she’s much more of a Cameron Frye than a Ferris Bueller.

Whatever. Sloane was like, a sophomore, anyways.

“Keira!” her dad’s voice calls, muffled from the distance. “Could you help your brother set the table?”

She sighs. “Can I get changed first?”

Silence, and then. “No!”

Ugh. She stands up, praying for the ability to rush before she feels a hand on her shoulder. She looks up to see Ryo standing above her, a small smile gracing her lips.

“It’s okay,” she says. “I’ve got this.”

Keira mouths a  _ thank you _ and rushes over to her room. The walls are painted lavender and the furnishes a crimson red. They’re covered with various tarot posters, paintings, movie posters, and jewelry. The wall behind the bedpost has a navy velvet blanket upon which stars and constellations were inscribed with silver ink. It makes the room look whimsical, even when it was dark and only illuminated by her lamps and the fairy lights scattered along her walls. The floor, meanwhile, is covered with clothing.

She’s  _ really  _ got to clean her room soon.

Downstairs, she hears a crash, and then her father’s voice yell, “Ryo Shirogane, why your grandmother ever let you use a fucking knife, I swear-”

Followed by Ryo’s sheepish, “Sorry, Mr. Kogane.” Keira snickers. Ryo only called her dad that when she was in deep shit.

Keira grimaces. She pulls on a short, leopard print dress and shoves it into her favorite pair of faded black jeans, the oversized vintage ones that she’d embroidered the giant roses on herself. She pulls on a cropped red denim jacket and a belt, admires herself in the crimson-edged body mirror she had placed right next to her closet.

Yeah, her boobs might be tiny, but she sure knows how to dress.

Keira slides a blood red lip gloss onto her lips, fluffs her bangs and slides her hair over her back. She’d had it short, for a while, but it was almost to her waist, now.

She didn’t typically make herself up so much, typically just slathered on black lipstick and pulled her hair up in a high pony, but-

Shiro didn’t typically bring Addison over for dinner. Or, she did, but she never really told her family about it before she did. This was a fancy family dinner, though, celebrating Ryo’s early residency acceptance and some surprise that Shiro had in store for them.

And Keira would get to see Addison again. In a pretty dress.

Keira flushes at the thought.

The doorbell rings. Hastily, Keira laces up her combat boots, thankful she’s too lazy to ever really take them off. She thumps down the stairs, rests her head on a pillar when she sees the door open.

Shiro appears first, tall, broad shouldered, and muscular, her hair a snowy white from when she and Ryo had gotten super drunk and bleached it, and then properly dyed when Addison had kept protesting. She’s wearing a black collared satin shirt, tucked smartly into a pair of black jeans.

Addison comes in after her.

Addison’s wearing a red slip dress with spaghetti straps. She has on a gold necklace. It droops, drawing attention to her perfect collarbones. She flips one of her immaculate golden curls over a tan shoulder. Her steel blue eyes find Keira behind her glasses.

Keira blushes.

“We’ve arrived, Mr. Kogane,” Addison calls, smiling at Keira.

“Hey, Addy!” her dad calls from the kitchen, cheerfully, and Addison grimaces.

Keira feels something in her sour. Her dad  _ knew  _ she didn’t like being called that.

“Krolatz, what are you cooking? Do you need help? If it’s galbi, I’m coming in,” Shiro calls, fluffing Keira’s hair as she walks past. Keira scowls. She worked hard on her hair today.

“Shiro, I’m really not that bad of a cook,” Keira’s dad protests, and Keira follows as Shiro and her girlfriend walk into the dining room.

…

They’re seated at the table, with, thankfully, yukgaejang in front of them. Keira’s mouth waters at the sight. Nothing, not even Ramen, could compare with a properly made yukgaejang. The numbing, spicy smell wafts up from the broth, and Keira can already tell that she won’t be able to feel her mouth after tonight.

Axac and Ryo are already digging in, inhibitions thrown to the wind. Axac’s wearing the leather jacket they thrifted together, one that was that really subtle shade of indigo and perfectly matched his hair. Ryo was wearing a tacky Hawiian shirt. For the only straight girl in the family, she sure didn’t dress like it. Keira suspected it was all a scam.

Underneath the table, Keira sees Shiro’s prosthetic hand slide onto the top of Addison’s tanned knee. Addison pats her hand a couple times before moving it to pick at her yukgaejang with her fork, wrinkling her nose.

Keira flushes hot with anger and jealousy for a second, before a cold feeling of guilt settles in on top of it. Shiro deserved someone like Addison. It wasn’t fair for her to feel this way.

“I can’t believe you’ve already gotten in. A resident doctor that’s only twenty four... your grandma would be so proud,” Keira’s dad is saying, probably to Ryo.

Ryo laughs, scratches her head self-consciously. “I dunno about that…”

“Seriously, Ryo! It took some grit and intelligence. I’m so excited for you.”

Keira scowles at her bowl. She’s… not excited for Ryo to leave. She has a year, but. Ryo and Shiro meant more than anything, to her. Her dad and brother too, of course, but she’d known the Shirogane’s all her life. They had been there for her through everything. They’d watched her grow up.

And now Ryo was leaving. Three years was a long time.

But, looking at her sister, Keira knew that Ryo had earned it. A high-profile residency in California… she was going to crush it.

“We’re so proud of you,” Axac coos.

“We really are,” adds Shiro, who’s grinning. She then looks worriedly down at the table. “Actually… I have an announcement, too.”

“Shoot,” Ryo says, looking relieved to take the subject off of her.

“Well, I don’t want to- we’re having a celebratory dinner for you, after all.”

“No, please!” Ryo throws up her hands. “You said you had an announcement. Announce it!”

“Okay, well…” Shiro chews her lip. “So. The Garrison is sending Dr. Holt and her daughter to oversee Kerberos, in Scotland.”

“That’s so cool!”

“Who cares?” Keira mumbles. Shiro sends her a dirty look. Her dad does too, after recognizing that it’s something to send a dirty look to your kid over.

“Keira,” he begins, “the Holts area very special family and very dear friends of ours, please refrain from-”

“I was invited to join them,” Shiro blurts. “I’m going to Scotland!”

The whole dinner- the conversation, the eating- screeches to a stop.

Addison looks at Shiro with death in her eyes. “ _ What _ .”

Ryo says, “Holy shit!”

Axac says, “You’re leaving?”

Keira says, “How long, Shiro? How long are you going to be in Scotland?”

Shiro responds. “I’ll be gone for an academic year. I’ll be back for the summer.”

“Will you visit?” Her dad asks, worried.

“Yes, but,” Shiro begins, apologetically. “Not until Christmas.”

“Wait, are you  _ kidding _ ? We’re not going to see you until Christmas?”

“Takako,” Addison says very evenly, “May I talk to you outside, please?”

The room goes quiet.

Addison’s chair skids backwards in one smooth movement. She stands up, dusts her palms on her dress, and exits the room.

Shiro, who had sat frozen, quickly thaws and stumbles after her.

The rest of the family watches in silence. As soon as the door slams, yelling starts up.

Axac winces.

Ryo mutters, perhaps a little insensitively, “I was afraid she was going to propose. Thank  _ god _ .”

…

Ryo’s pressed up against Keira’s window, using her white linen curtains as a shield as she spies on their sister. Keira’s on the other side of the room, blocked from Ryo’s sight by her bed.

“I think Addy also thought Shiro was going to propose,” Ryo offers, as commentary.

“Uh huh,” Keira responds.

“I hope they break up,” says Ryo, off handedly.

Keira whips her head around. “Ryo!”

Addison had been around for… well, almost as long as Keira could remember. Addison and Shiro had met at college, danced around each other for two years, and then had remained together for the following five.

Addison used to take Keira to art galleries or musicals or operas when she was bored and Shiro was busy. She was there when Keira had gotten her first period and had freaked out. Shiro was queasy around blood, and Ryo had been in Seattle. Addison had talked her through pads, mellowly, and Keira had come out not only victorious but also feeling very adult. 

Addison got her teaching degree, started teaching at Arus High. Keira hadn’t been particularly excited about high school before she learned that she’d have the opportunity to see Addison every day.

Addison was always composed. Sophisticated. Calm. Graceful. She handled difficult situations with ease. She was always professional, in a way that made others strive to be as good as her. And frankly, she always had her shit together.

Not to mention she was gorgeous. Sun kissed, tan skin. Blonde curls. Icy blue eyes, emphasized by the rectangular, wire frames she always wore. She worked out with Shiro, and though she lacked her girlfriend’s bulky, muscular frame, she was incredibly toned.

She was the perfect woman. Keira  _ wanted  _ her, was practically in love with her.

But it wasn’t like she wanted to steal her sister’s girlfriend or anything. Keira was super happy for Shiro. She just wonders what a world would be like where Keira and Addison were together.

Keira had written a letter about it. About her. About  _ them _ , however hypothetical that ‘them’ was. She wasn’t going to send the letter or anything- it was just for Keira, for her to get her feelings out in a productive way.

It isn’t the only letter Keira has. Keira’s letters are her most secret possessions. There are five total: Regina from camp, Lainey from seventh grade, Rianna from homecoming, Jamie Griffin from Model UN, and Addison. She writes a letter when she has a crush so intense that she doesn’t know what else to do.

Keira had taken out the lilac hatbox from where she had it delicately and secretly placed at the top of her closet, earlier this evening, when her dad had told her about the dinner. Her mom had given it to her, before she had passed. She fishes it out from where she had stashed it, under her bed. Opens it.

Addison’s letter sits at the top.

For Ryo to suggest a break up was almost entirely out of left field. The couple had been together for the better part of a decade. There was no way they’d leave each other now.

Ryo had never liked her, for some reason. Keira could never figure out why, always got a, “she just rubs me the wrong way!” whenever she had asked.

Ryo scrambles away from the window, suddenly. “Fuck, Shit.”

“What?”

“They’re not there anymore. Dammit, I got distracted by your fucking  _ Empire Records  _ poster. Fuck.”

“Uh-”

The door to her room slams open, suddenly. Keira scrambles, shoving the lid back onto the box and the box back under the bed, but Shiro doesn’t seem to notice her, too busy staring at nothing.

“Wh-”

“She dumped me,” Shiro says, her voice broken, and slumps to the floor.

“Oh, Shiro,” says Ryo, and they dogpile onto Shiro as she begins to cry.

“But she loves you,” Keira says, in disbelief.

“I know,” Shiro blubbers.

“What happened?” asks Ryo.

“She said she couldn’t be with me anymore,” Shiro manages, through tears, “She said we’ve been together so long and I didn’t love her enough to propose, and I said I did but then she said I didn’t because I chose to fuck off to Scotland instead-”

“There, there,” Ryo says.

“Isn’t she kind of right, though? Why would you go to Scotland without telling her?” Keira says. Ryo  _ glares _ .

Shiro’s silent for a little bit, barring her sniffles, before she blurts out,

_ “But I bought tickets for her and had a job interview lined up for her and everything,” _ and Keira winces. Yikes.

“What’s happening?” Axac calls from the stairs, notices Shiro crying and runs over.

“What-”

“They broke up,” Keira explains.

Axac looks at Shiro, pity filling his eyes. “Oh, Shiro.”

He joins the dogpile. They stay like that, their arms around Shiro and their love extended, until morning.

…

Summer passes decidedly uneventfully, after that. Shiro spends it mostly moping, especially that first month of June. It’s a little cartoony, sometimes, but others, Keira will catch her staring off into space with a broken expression on her face, and she’ll swerve away from whatever room Shiro’s in.

She’s just… probably not the  _ best  _ person to comfort her, all things considered.

Before Shiro leaves, her dad has them clean the house, appoints Axac as a watchdog to make sure she actually cleans her room. Axac just smokes weed out her window.

Ryo’s deep cleaning, too, has started putting some of the stuff she’s not taking to goodwill in boxes, anyways. Keira watches with an ugly feeling in her chest.

It’s weirder seeing Shiro’s stuff pile back into her room, and then suddenly disappear again. Shiro had moved into an apartment with Addison a year or two ago. To see all her shit appear again is like a blunt reminder of their breakup. To see it go is like a sharp reminder that Shiro’s going.

Keira spends the time she can with Ryo over the summer, knowing her days with her sister are dwindling. They eat a lot of sherbert, being the only two in their family with severe lactose intolerance. They go to the waterpark and ride the scary slides Keira had never been able to ride before. They go thrifting, Axac in tow. They tour Portland. Steal Axac’s weed stash and go to the Oregon countryside, watch the sky dip into pinks, reds, oranges, and finally the purples and black of nighttime.

Keira ignores her when she suggests taking Shiro along. Or when she suggests spending time with Shiro in general.

It’s just that-

Shiro’s leaving. For four months, and then another five after that. And she didn’t tell anyone. Not even her own family. She’s  _ leaving _ , just like that.

Keira had thought that they told each other everything. But Shiro hadn’t told them about this.

Shiro leaves the day after her dad trucks over the goodwill boxes. They drive over Fremont bridge, bask in each other for the last time in a long time. Keira takes in the blue of the sky, of the water.

Her dad pats Shiro on the shoulder, awkwardly, when they get to the gate. Shiro laughs, wraps him up in a tight hug, saying, “come on, Krolatz! You know you want to!” and her dad gives in.

She hugs Axac, who squirms from her grasp. Hugs Ryo, who whispers something to her.

Ryo pulls back, saying, “You know what? We’ll get you a magazine,” and drags Keira’s dad and brother with her.

Shiro smiles at her as Keira glares at the ground.

“Are you gonna be okay…?” Shiro asks, awkwardly.

Keira’s gaze snaps up. “Did you have to go so far away? Do you even have to leave?”

Shiro smiles at her, placidly. Used to her lashing out.

“I think you should use this time to branch out. Experience new things, meet new people.”

Keira recoils, anger forgotten. “Ew, what the fuck? Why?"

“Keira, the only important people in your life have only ever been us. And like, Pidge and Alor. I’m leaving, and Ryo not long after me. You should use this time to make new connections!”

Keira frowns, disgusted. “Hell no.”

Shiro sighs. “Keira. I just mean-”

The rest of the family reappears. “We got you a book on mental wellness. And a coloring book,” says Axac, handing Shiro some paper and crayons.

“What are you trying to imply?” Shiro tries to joke, but Axac just solemnly places a hand on Shiro’s shoulder.

“Oh my god, you guys,” Ryo bursts, “Fuck  _ off _ .” She tackles Shiro in a hug.

Keira hears her dad mutter, “ _ language _ ,” before he and Axac join. After a moment of hesitation, Keira joins, too.

Shiro breaks away. “Well,” she says, apprehensively, “goodbye.”

They watch as she turns, gives her ticket to the person at the gate. Walks into the plane.

She doesn’t look back.

Keira’s dad asks, “Can we have a dog now?”

…

“Axac, come on!” Keira shouts, annoyed. It’s the first day of school, and they’re going to be  _ so late _ .

She’s got her hair out, wears a bulky red leather jacket over a white ribbed halter, a pair of skinny black jeans and her combat boots. She’s not wearing a bra and you can see a sliver of her midriff, but she knew no one was going to notice. Her black lipstick is back for the school year.

“I’m almost done! I’m coming!” shouts Axac, muffled through the door. Keira sighs, stomps downstairs.

“Hi, honey. I made you breakfast,” her dad says, nodding at the lulu lemon bag on the counter. “It’s with your lunch.”

“Thanks dad,” Keira says, accepting a kiss on the forehead. Axac comes bounding down the stairs, then, wearing his indigo leather jacket over a white tank top and black skinny jeans. They’ve never looked  _ more  _ like twins.

“Wow,” Keira says.

“You’re changing,” Axac says.

“Like hell I am,” Keira snaps. “Come on, we’re gonna be late.”

Keira waits in front of the door as Axac collects his lunch, a kiss on the head from dad. Stares as he disappears into the coat closet.

“What are you  _ doing _ ?” she asks, annoyed.

He comes out holding a toddler’s bicycle helmet. “Aren’t we riding your death bike to school?”

Keira’s ‘death bike’ is the only reason they manage to make it to school on time. Axac looks paler than usual, but at least they won’t get a tardy.

“I literally have a helmet for you,” Keira’s telling Axac as they walk under the welcome back banner in the front hall. “Like, a proper motorcycle helmet for you. I spray painted it indigo and everything.”

“Heads up, Addison, nine o clock,” Axac hisses, and the pair of them duck, veer to the left. Keira lifts her head, slightly, to see Addison carrying a couple of books daintily under one arm. She ignores the twins, but Keira’s still watching when-

-they crash into someone.

“Ow! Fuck, what the hell?” someone says, and the twins back away.

“We’re sorry, we weren’t paying attention-” Keira begins, apologetically.

“Oh, it’s  _ you  _ two,” Lorraine responds, aloofly. 

She stands in front of them, tall and bone-thin, blue eyed. She flips a platinum strand of hair over her shoulder.

Lorraine. She and Axac used to be best friends, in middle school. Was friends with all of Axac’s, actually. Then Lorraine apparently hate-crimed Natrid, who is blind and also one of Axac’s best friends, and now they were decidedly not. Axac doesn’t like to talk about it.

Keira doesn’t know what happened, wasn’t really there for any of it, but she does know that she’d stand by Axac through anything. And that ableism was generally evil. Anyways, Lorraine was a cunt.

“Um, twin complex, much?” Lorraine croons with a laugh, taking in their appearances, “God, you guys look more and more incesteous every time I see you.”

“I’m gonna punch her,” Axac says, conversationally, and lunges.

“Okay, hold up!” shouts a tiny voice. Keira looks down to see Pidge grabbing Axac by the waist and elbow. “Not so fast, buddy.”

They turn to Lorraine. “At least they put effort into what they’re wearing. You’re literally wearing a shirt and leggings. You’re trying to be rich and famous with that outfit? Shit.”

Pidge Holt. This year, a freshman in highschool and Keira’s best friend. Her only friend, really.

Lorraine flushes, scowls. “Go back to freshie hell.”

Pidge’s eyes widen behind their glasses. They mouth  _ how original  _ in Keira’s direction. Keira stifles a laugh. Lorraine scoffs, rolls her eyes and flips more of her hair over her shoulder, irritated. Her expression changes from annoyed to smug, though, when-

Brown arms wrap around Lorraine’s long torso, lips press to her cheek.

“Hi, babe,” Lainey says, grinning. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Lorraine murmurs, sliding a hand into Lainey’s satin brown hair. “What about you?”

Remember Lainey? The second non-recipient of one of Keira’s love letters? That’s this Lainey.  _ Lorraine’s  _ Lainey.

It had been seventh grade. It was the first sleepover Keira had been to since her mom had died. Everyone knew that Lainey and Lorraine only wanted to kiss each other. But during spin the bottle, on Keira’s turn, the neck had pointed towards Lainey.

Lorraine was glaring at Keira, so she’d offered to spin it again, but Lainey had said, easy smile on her lips, “Well, you can’t cheat the bottle,” leaned over, and pecked her on the lips.

It had been her first. Keira’s lips tingle at the memory. Lainey had been cute, scrawny, tall. She’d grown up, since then. Paraded around school with her smooth brown skin, her freckles. Her carefree, glossy smile. She’d filled in, no longer bone-thin, but curvy and toned.

But. She played two sports (that is, if you even counted track and field as a sport), joined student council and talked to everyone within a hundred mile radius. She didn’t seem to try hard in any of her classes but was overly involved with the school’s extracurriculars. She tried to befriend  _ everyone _ , claiming there wasn’t anyone in the school she wasn’t on good terms with.

She was. Annoying.

And dumb jock wasn’t really Keira’s type.

Lorraine leans over to whisper something into Lainey’s ear, something that makes Lainey’s eyes go wide and her face grow red, and saunters off. Keira squashes down a tendril of irritation. She wanted to whack twelve year old Keira in the face for ever liking someone this stupid.

“Um.” Lainey blinks. “Sorry guys, but I have to go. But hey!” She shoots finger guns at Pidge. “I’ll see you at the freshmen pizza party later tonight, right?”

Pidge mutters a low affirmation and with that, Lainey’s spinning around to trail after Lorraine, her silky brown hair falling gently behind her.

“Thanks, Pidge,” Keira says, turning to her friend.

“No problem,” Pidge says, then takes in Axac’s outfit. “Holy shit, Axac, you look like a Jackson Wang wannabe.”

“I’m gonna launch you across the hallway, Pidge,” says Axac, and he’s running after Pidge as they streak towards the freshman hallway, laughing.

…

Keira’s got an uneasy feeling in her stomach.

“Yes, Keira?” Addison says, grading the paper in front of her.

“Hi, Addison! I...uh. Just. Thought I should talk to you? About it?”

“About what, Keira?” Addison hums, marking something off on the paper in front of her.

“Um. You know… What. Happened. With Shiro.”

“Ah,” Addison says, adjusting her glasses, slides the graded paper to the side. Picks up a new one from the stack. “Yes. That.”

Keira twitches, rubs her shoulder. Her ears are burning. She’s sure they’re bright red. She’s thankful her hair is covering them, or else she’d be mortified.

“I just wanted to say, that. Uh. If you ever need anything… we’re still here. You can always depend on us, even if… even now. So.”

“Alright.” She’s writing something in the margins of whoever’s paper that is.

“I know you must be hurting. The whole situation really sucks, so. If you need anything.”

“Mhm.”

“So. Yeah.” Keira waits, a bit. “Um, what’re you grading, Addison?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” Addison states, “Now, Keira, it might be your lunch period, but I have a feeling your next teacher won’t be very pleased if you’re late, hmm?”

Keira blinks. “...Uh, I-”

“So you should probably get going.”

“Al...right.” Keira clutches onto her backpack, turning slowly. “See you later.”

“And Keira?” Addison says, when she’s in the doorway. She turns around and Addison’s finally,  _ finally  _ looking up at her. “Don’t call me Addison anymore.”

…

“Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that?” asks Dorothy, on the television screen. 

“Cheddar popcorn?” Axac offers.

“She’s not a slut,” continues Dorothy. “She is  _ the  _ slut!”

Axac snickers as Rose and Blanche stare at her in horror. 

“She is the grand  _ poobah  _ of slutdom! She is the  _ easiest  _ woman in this room.”

Blanche, offended, takes a seat at the table. “Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back.”

“What do you think Shiro’s doing?” Keira asks, laying her head on her brother’s bony shins.

“I dunno, he’s probably in the lab,” Axac responds, dully. “It’s weird not having him here.”

“It’s weird not having Addison here, either,” Keira says, as an afterthought.

Axac snorts. “Yeah, okay.”

Keira lifts her head. “What’s  _ that  _ supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, Keira,” Axac says, rolling his eyes. Keira settles back down, this time on his lap. He runs his fingers through her hair.

“Do you want to go somewhere this weekend?” Keira asks.

Axac barks a laugh. “Not on your death bike, no! I’ll go if Ryo goes.”

Keira frowns. “Ryo is busy, she’s redoing the greenhouse. It’s just my bike. We’ll be fine.”

Axac shakes his head. “Keira, I may be fine going to school with you on it, but I am  _ not  _ driving into the greater Portland area with you on that thing.” He shifts, so that he’s sitting criss cross applesauce. “You know what? What you need to do is fuck someone with a station wagon.”

Keira sputters, jerking up. “What the fuck?”

Axac laughs. “If you had someone to drive you around, we wouldn’t need to rely on Ryo so much! Or go places on your death bike.”

“Axac, that makes no sense. Why can’t  _ you  _ just fuck someone with a station wagon?”

Axac’s smile dims, slightly. “Well. It’s not just the station wagon.”

Keira sighs at her brother’s antics. “Spit it out.”

“I dunno, Keira,” Axac says, running his fingers through his indigo hair. “I love spending time with you, but. I feel like… sometimes you don’t really hang out with anyone outside of us. Now that Shiro’s gone, you’re gonna be alone more often. I don’t want that for you.”

Keira stares down at her blanket.

Axac starts. “I’m not saying that to be mean. I just don’t want you to be lonely.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Keira twists, turns away from her brother, ignores his tiny frown. “Wanna watch a Del Toro movie?”

Keira falls asleep an hour into  _ The Devil’s Backbone _ . Misses it when Axac sneaks off.

…

“I’m gonna tell Iverson I’m menstruating,” Pidge pants, trying to keep pace with Keira. Keira shoots them a look, distracted, trying to gauge how much distance they had left to run on the school’s track.

“What?” Pidge exclaims. “I could be menstruating!”

Keira laughs. “Yeah, but do you think he’ll be convinced?”

“Okay, but like. Do you think he’s going to ask me for proof? He’s too afraid to even refer to me with pronouns. Like,  _ any  _ pronouns. It’ll work!”

“You could tell him you have a hangover. Axac wouldn’t look me in the eye, today, I think he got wasted after I fell asleep last night.”

“Keira. I’m fourteen. I’m gonna be menstruating, not drinking.”

Keira laughs, jogs in place. “I’ll tell him I have a migraine and join you, in the nurse’s office, if it does.”

Pidge grins. “Oho, a challenge? And the prize, dragging Keira away from the one thing she loves more than the lack of social interaction- using exercise as an excuse to be angry?”

Keira hunches over, laughing, panting.

“Hey!” A voice calls from behind them. Pidge perks up. Keira follows their gaze- It’s Lainey McClain.

“Hey McClain,” Pidge greets, “I heard Lorraine dumped you for a college guy. Is it true?”

The smile from Lainey’s face vanishes. She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, well I heard bats live in your hair.  _ That  _ true?”

“Yeah,” Pidge says, “I’m a fucking vampire.”

“Fuck off, Stoker,” Lainey says. “I need to talk to Keira.” She raises her eyebrows. “Alone.”

Pidge looks between Lainey and Keira, eyebrows furrowing. “Well. Okay, then. I’m gonna go menstruate in the nurses office.”

Lainey smiles that easy smile at her when they leave. “Hey. I just wanted to say, um. I don’t want to be mean about it, but, I, uh. I’m not interested.”

Keira leans back. Raises her brows. “I’m sorry?”

Lainey laughs, scratches the back of her head. “I, uh. I had a really fun time that night, and you were my first kiss, too! So I totally appreciate you for that, but. Like. Lorraine and I just broke up, so…

Keira furrows her brows. Her gaze falls to Lainey’s hand, which.

Is holding.

A letter.

A love letter.

Not just any love letter, either-

_ Her  _ love letter.

Keira feels faint. She’s had  _ Storm  _ by Vivaldi stuck in her head since she and Alor had watched that Sciamma movie last spring. It plays, loud in her head, as she says, “Holy shit,” and falls to the ground.

“Holy fuck- Keira!” Lainey scrambles over to help her up. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just,” Keira gasps, “I’m. Really dizzy.”

“Do you need some water?” Lainey demands. “Is it the sun?”

“I’m fine,” Keira snaps, batting off Lainey’s concern.

Lainey frowns. “I’m just trying to-”

“Fuck,” Keira says loudly, because in the distance, Addison is coming towards her, an open letter in her hand.

_ Her open letter in her hand _ .

“I am so sorry for this,” Keira says, and launches herself onto Lainey.

The first thing that registers, after the pain of slamming into the ground and the affronted noise Lainey makes as Keira’s lips meld into hers is that this… isn’t entirely unpleasant. Lainey’s a good kisser.

And then Lainey’s mouth catches onto Keira’s bottom lip and she feels a flash of heat run through her body and hears Iverson telling her to get off or she’d get detention for inappropriate behavior and she wrenches herself away. Lainey’s staring at her, eyes wide, hands up in surrender, and mouth rubbed red.

“Uh,” Keira says, blinking, staring at Lainey’s mouth for a couple seconds before making eye contact again. “Sorry. Again. Um.”

She stumbles to her feet, shouts something about a headache at Iverson. Runs into the first bathroom she can find and locks herself into a stall.

She sits on the toilet seat, head in her hands, and breathes; in for a count of four. Holds for a count of four. Out for a count of four. Hold again.

“Keira?” A voice calls. “I saw you come in here. Decided it would be a good time to talk.”

Fucking  _ hell _ .

A dark hand slides under the stall, bringing with it another envelope with a name written on it.

Rianna Kinkade.

Keira remembers when she’d written that letter- it had been after freshman homecoming. She’d been the only other girl alone on the bleachers that hadn’t seemed interested in the vodka-spiked punch. She’d looked amazing in her dress, a silver sequin top and a flowy white skirt.

Keira had joined her. They’d talked for a little bit, and when Keira had asked her to dance, Rianna had smiled so wide Keira felt like the night maybe wasn’t so bad after all.

“Are you okay, Keira?” Rianna asks, now. “This didn’t… It didn’t really… I don’t know if I was supposed to read this.”

Keira exhales, groans, rubs her face with her hands. “Rianna, I wrote this  _ years  _ ago.”

“Freshman year, right?” Rianna says, her voice cheery. “That dance was so much fun. Thanks so much for hanging out with that night! But, um. I’m sorry, I feel like you should know…I’m… straight."

Keira pounds on the stall wall next to her. “Damn it, Kinkade!” she shouts. “Now I’m a fucking stereotype!”

Rianna laughs.

“I’m sorry,” she responds, kindly. “Seriously, though. That night really was fun and it’s nice to know that you enjoyed it as much as I did. It made me really happy, reading that.”

Keira exits the stall. Kinkade’s leaning against the other side.

“Rianna, I promise you. I wrote this a really long time ago and I don’t feel that way towards you anymore. Frankly, I’m sorry you had to read this.”

Rianna gives her a soft smile. “Don’t be sorry. I really appreciated what you did, back then. I was too shy to really speak to anyone. I still am, honestly. But you inspired me to speak more, make new friends. Actually,” she pauses, looks at the ground, embarrassed, “You’ve kind of inspired me again… I think I’m gonna tell the guy I like that I like him.”

Keira blinks. “Oh! Um. Good luck! Who is it?”

Rianna laughs again. “Thanks! It’s Idan. You know who he is, right?”

“Uhh…” Keira squints, stops to think. “Leifsdottir?”

“Yeah.” Rianna bites the inside of her cheek. “I hope it goes well.”

“Um. You’ll do great,” she says awkwardly, holding out a thumbs up.

Rianna snorts. “Thanks for the confidence, Kogane. And… thanks for the letter. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Rianna smiles as she leaves. When she’s gone, Keira sinks to the floor, embarrassed.

…

Keira zooms home on her bike, going so fast Axac almost falls off. She runs upstairs when she gets the chance, flicks the light on to her closet.

It’s gone. The hatbox is gone.

Shit, shit shit shit.

“Dad!” she yells, practically falling down the stairs. “Have you seen a lilac box? Mom gave it to me, it’s round, it’s a fabric box, it’s got a bow on it-”

“Aren’t you going to ask me how my day has been?” her dad says with a laugh. “The Blade’s been doing some really important things. I know you’d be really interested in it-”

“I really just need to know where my box went, okay, dad?” she shouts. He shrugs, exaggeratedly.

“I don’t know, sweetie. It might have gone out with the goodwill boxes,” he says, turning his attention over to the bulgogi he was probably making for dinner.

Oh, no. “The… the goodwill-” Keira feels faint, again, feels the arms of her anxiety take hold on her brain, her lungs. “Shit.”

“Language,” her dad, reprimands, mildly. “You’ve got some mail.”

Keira looks over at the letter. It’s Regina’s, from summer camp. She snatches it, runs upstairs.

The letters were out. There was nothing she could do about it. At least Regina’s letter was addressed to the summer camp’s, so at least she’d never find out how hard Keira was crushing on her after that day they ran away into the woods together.

“Uh… Keira?” Axac says from her doorway. “Addison’s here, and I don’t think she wants to talk about your grades.”

Keira’s eyes widen. “Fuck. I’m not here,” she says, opens her window, and climbs out of it.

Her motorcycle is parked in the driveway, next to the front window. Where Addison would clearly see her from inside her house, if she snuck over to get on it.

Her bike is in the front yard. She’ll take that instead.

…

She bikes over to _ The Lion Cafe _ . It’s where Shiro and Alor used to hang out all the time, in their rowdy, middle school, highschool, and college days. Now that Keira was in high school, it was where she spent  _ her  _ days.

Her metal straw is in her soda float when she hears,

“Hey, Kogane.”

She chokes, turns to the side. Lainey McClain sits there, wearing her hunter-green and white letterman jacket; the school colors. Her hair tumbles down her back, along her neck.

“Why’re you here,” Keira blurts as Lainey orders a blueberry milkshake.

“I, uh. Wanted a blueberry milkshake.”

“Oh.”

After a tense silence, Lainey turns to her and says, “actually, I stopped by your house. Axac said you’d be here…?”

Fuck. She was going to strangle him.

“I just want to be really clear, about. Um. That I’m not interested. I mean, I’m flattered, but Lorraine and I-”

“Are you trying to reject me?” Keira asks, incredulous.

Lainey blinks. “Well, I mean. Yeah. You didn’t really seem to… I dunno, understand it? Earlier? That I’m not interested?”

“Lainey, you are the last person I’m interested in being romantically involved with,” Keira says, shaking her head.

“Okay, well, you say that now, but. You… didn’t do that? You’re not saying what you did?”

“The fuck are you trying to tell me, McClain,” Keira says, sitting up straight and slamming her hand onto the table.

“Uhh,” Lainey scrambles, stammers, goes a little pale, reaches out thankfully when the waiter comes out with a blueberry shake.

Keira rolls her eyes. “Lainey. I don’t actually like you. I just wanted someone else to think I liked you so they wouldn’t think I liked them.”

“Oh,” Lainey says. “Who?”

Keira gives her another incredulous look. “Why the fuck would I tell you?”

“Well, I dunno, Kogane, maybe it’s so I believe that you don’t have a secret tattoo of me somewhere and I don’t have to run and tell Hunk that the scary chick at school has a boner for me,” Lainey rambles.

“ _ Okay _ ,” Keira says, cutting her off. “Um, her name’s Addison.”

“Addison?” Lainey’s brows furrow. “We have an Addison in our grade?”

Keira winces, tilts her head to the side. “She’s, uh… not exactly in our grade.”

Lainey’s brows narrow even further. “Not in our grade-? Is she an underclassm-”

Lainey’s eyes widen as understanding dawns on her. “No way,” she breathes. “You’re not talking about Ms. Wright, are you?”

Keira grimaces, waits a second too long before she responds, “Um. No?”

“Keira!” Lainey whisper-shouts. “She’s like a fucking decade older than you! And- wait a minute,” horror befalls anew onto Lainey’s face. “Isn’t she dating your  _ sister _ ?”

“They broke up,” Keira responds, irritated.

Lainey just stares, aghast.

“...She also got a letter,” Keira continues, feeling guiltily compelled to continue.

“I’m sorry, what? You sent a love letter to  _ two  _ people? One of whom is your teacher?  _ And  _ your sister’s ex?”

“I wrote a letter to five people, actually.”

“ _ Five _ love letters? One of which went to-”

“Okay, I get it!” Keira snaps.

“Who else did you write love letters to?” Lainey asks, unperturbed and fascinated.

“Um. Rianna Kinkade.”

“A straight girl, Keira? Really?”

Keira scowls. “A girl from summer camp, Regina. And Jamie Griffin.”

“Oh, god. I hated that bitch,” Lainey says, “Actually, I thought you did, too? Except now that I think about it, that kind of makes sense-”

“Are we done here?” Keira asks, getting down from her seat. The edge of her red, corduroy skirt catches on the stool. “Like, we’re fine now, right?”

There are cogs shifting in Lainey’s mind, Keira can tell. There’s a mischievous glint to her eyes. It has Keira apprehensive.

“Yeah, why not. We’re fine,” says Lainey. “Oh, wait a minute. Is that sparkly red bike outside yours?”

Keira nods. “Sure is.”

Lainey drives her home in her obnoxiously neon, sky blue Rubicon. Keira’s fairly sure it’s more embarrassing to be seen inside a Rubicon then to be riding a sparkly bike, but she’s getting a free ride so she isn’t going to say anything.

“Thanks for driving me home,” Keira says, unbuckling her belt and almost out the door when she pauses, turns back around. “And. Sorry for jumping you. It was really,  _ really  _ not okay of me. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Lainey frowns, smally, thoughtfully. “It wasn’t, but. I forgive you. Your situation’s kind of messed up, so.”

Keira laughs. “That’s true. Thanks for being understanding about it.”

“What are you going to say to Ms. Wright, though?” Lainey continues.

“I dunno. The truth, I guess.”

“...Okay, but what even  _ is  _ the truth.”

Keira squirms, uncomfortable. “Not your problem,” she says, unlocking the car door and stepping outside. “Thanks again.”

She unlatches her bike from the back, is walking towards her front door when she hears Lainey.

“Wait, Keira!”

She feels a tug on her shoulder. She turns around inquisitively.

“What if… you didn’t tell her?”

Keira blinks.

“I mean…” Lainey tucks a brown strand of hair behind her hair, her fingers poking out from her jacket from the second knuckle up. “Like, what if you let people think we were together? And not just Ms. Wright. I mean  _ everyone _ .”

Keira barks out a laugh. “Why the fuck would I agree to that? Why would  _ you  _ want that?”

“Well. When Lorraine heard about what happened, she freaked out. If she thinks we’re dating, then maybe she’ll want to get back together.”

Keira raises her eyebrows.  _ Oh _ . Of course.

“So you want to use me?” she asks, flatly.

Lainey responds in the same tone, eyebrow raised haughtily. “You mean the way  _ you  _ did when you forcibly kissed me on the field today?”

Keira deflates. Shit. She really shouldn’t have done that.

She turns around, walks her bike to her garage, hears Lainey call after her: “Just think about it!”

…

Ryo laughs around a mouthful of beef, inhaling her bulgogi as Axac reaches the climax of one of his outlandish stories. Keira picks at her food. Her appetite is kind of gone.

“So why did Addison stop by to see you today?” her dad asks, still chewing. Keira wrinkles her nose.

“Uh. I dunno.”

Ryo snorts, rolls her eyes.

It captures her attention. “What’s  _ that  _ about?”

“What?” asks Ryo, defensively.

“You know-” Keira makes an exaggerated snorting sound, rolls her eyes just as excessively. “That.”

“She just hates Addison,” Axac says, shoving a piece of garlic into his mouth.

“Okay, why?” Keira says, putting her silverware down and crossing her arms across her chest. “You can tell me now, right?”

“I don’t know, I just- didn’t like the way she treated Shiro!” Ryo says, throwing her hands in the air. “She was so sweet when they first got together but for like, the last three or four years, she’s just been…"

“What? She’s been what, Ryo?” her volume is rising, but she can’t help it.

“Keira,” her father warns.

“Keira I  _ know  _ you’ve always been really attached to her and I of  _ course  _ appreciate her for being there for you when me or Shiro couldn’t be. But it doesn’t change the fact that she was a bad girlfriend to Shiro!”

“I think you’re just being a bitch,” Keira fires back, to which her dad slams his fork down on the table.

“Keira!” He snaps. "Apologize to your sister.  _ Now _ .” 

Keira scrunches her nose. Leans back in her chair, crosses her arms across her chest. Her face stings, with anger, embarrassment. She grumbles out an apology.

“It’s  _ fine _ ,” Ryo says, but she gives Keira a hard stare. Probing.

“...I just don’t  _ get  _ it,” Keira continues, finally. “What did she ever do to you?”

“Not to me!” Ryo says. “It’s just that… their relationship  _ always  _ revolved around her. It was always, ‘Shiro, come to my work event’, or, ‘Shiro, let’s watch this movie that I wanna watch’, or, ‘Shiro do this, Shiro do that’. It would’ve been  _ fine  _ if she treated Shiro and her interests and her time with an equal respect but she literally  _ never did _ . She always made such a big deal if Shiro so much as  _ asked  _ her to come to anything. She was always late to  _ everything _ . And always like… treated Shiro as if her interests were annoying. She treated Shiro like she was a fucking nuisance. And it’s the absolute fucking opposite,” Ryo finishes, heatedly.

The table is quiet, then, “Wow.”

They look over at Axac. “No, I mean. That’s pretty much it, yeah.”

Ryo stands up, gestures wildly at Axac. “See!”

There’s that same uneasy feeling in her stomach, from earlier. She doesn’t respond, stares at a carrot.

Her phone rings. Again. Keira checks it.

It’s Addison.

Again.

“Who keeps calling you?” Keira’s dad demands. She shakes her head. 

“Just a spam number.”

Lainey’s words echo in her mind.

Was she actually thinking about this?

…

She marches onto the lacrosse field early the next morning. The sky is still a dark periwinkle, but it lightens as more and more of the sun peeks out from below the horizon.

The lacrosse girls scramble out of her way. She waits as Lainey shoves away the goal, done with practice for the morning.

“McClain!” she shouts, sees the knot of Lainey’s bun unfurl as she removes her helmet. Hair sticks to the sides of her face. Her cheeks are rosy. It looks really good with her brown skin.

“Uh huh?” she says, when she’s finally in front of her. From this distance, the height difference between them feels enormous, though she really just has to lift her head only slightly to look Lainey in the eyes.

“Let’s do this,” she says. Lainey breaks out into a smile, slowly, and then fast.

“Okay,” she says, her lips pink, her teeth white.

Keira reaches up to cup her head, her thumb in front of her ear.

Lainey’s eyebrows narrow, she frowns. She starts, “Wh-” but Keira cuts her off with a press of her lips.

Lainey’s lips are soft, plush. Full. They tingle where they touch Keira’s. Keira bites on her lower lip, sinks into the heat of Lainey’s tongue-

-and is pushed off, Lainey’s hands on her upper arms. She’s frowning.

Keira frowns back. “Uh. Okay.” It’s silent, awkward for a moment before she says, “Well. I’m going to Stat.”

“Okay,” Lainey says. “See you in Lit.”

Keira nods. Gives her a thumbs up. Feels better when that, finally, gets Lainey to crack a smile.

She turns around, starts to walk. The lacrosse girls stare at her as if she’s grown two heads.

She glares at one of them. “The fuck’re  _ you  _ looking at.” The girl jumps, scampers away.

...

“Okay, we really need to write down some rules so we know we’re on the same page,” Keira says at lunch, sitting down at one of the many wooden tables outside the cafeteria, which were there for kids to have lunch at. They were secluded, though, as their table was on a more rocky part of the hill that lead up to the building. It was right next to the football field. No one liked sitting here because of it- people tended to have to sit really,  _ really _ , close in order to hear their friends talking. It provides sort of a noise shield, for them, though.

Lainey drags a pinecone across the grooves of one of the table’s wooden planks. “Yeah, actually,” she says, throwing it at the evergreen in front of them and picking up another one. “We really need to clarify some shit. Like. I don’t want you to kiss me, anymore.”

Keira drops her pen. “What? How’re people going to know we’re in a relationship if I can’t even touch you?”

Lainey shrugs, the movement infinitesimal underneath her letterman jacket. Drags the pinecone against the plank, again.

Keira rolls her eyes. “Haven’t you slept with like, half the grade already? Does it even matter?”

The pinecone drags roughly, snaps. Lainey glowers at her. “I don’t want you to touch me in a sexual manner, anymore, Keira,” she says, evenly.

Something inside Keira withers, at that. “Okay. I’m sorry.”

Lainey shrugs again, reaches for her lunchbox. “Whatever. What else are we gonna put in the contract?”

Keira scratches at her head. Her hair is pulled back into a low pony, today, but her bangs still hang in her face. She’s wearing a tiny red dress with a sweetheart neckline and puffy sleeves that reach to her elbows. She’s got a gold necklace with a circular pendant, some docs.

“I dunno,” she says. “But honestly, we do kind of have to figure  _ some  _ touching out, or people are gonna get suspicious real soon.”

Lainey wrinkles her nose. “You have a point. Okay, you can kiss me on my face  _ only _ , and not my lips.”

Keira nods, sagely. Writes it down. “Okay. What else?”

Lainey looks confused. “We can… hug… I guess?”

Keira rolls her eyes. “I meant- Okay, what if you put your hand in my back pocket?”

Lainey squints at her. “ _ Huh _ ?”

“ _ Sixteen candles _ ?” At Lainey’s lost look, she elaborates. “It’s… the opening image.”

“Oh!” Understanding dawns on Lainey’s face. “John Hughes, right?”

Keira blinks. “You know John Hughes?” Keira’s… surprised. Cultured is  _ not  _ what she thinks when she thinks of Lainey.

“Hell yeah!” Lainey grins, wide. When she smiles, her face splits open. She looks like the sun. “I’ve only watched  _ Home Alone _ , though.”

“Are you kidding me? You’ve never seen  _ Sixteen Candles _ ?” When Lainey just shakes her head, loose smile still on her face, Keira clicks the pen open again. “Okay! Two more rules. You have to watch  _ Sixteen Candles _ with me because it is a classic-"

Lainey laughs.

“ _ -and _ , we can never tell anyone that this relationship is fake. That would be… embarrassing.”

Lainey scoffs. “Yeah. Duh. First rule of fight club.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Keira says, deadpan, “I’ve never seen  _ Fight Club _ .”

“What!” Lainey flounders. Her whole body reacts. It’s cute. “You’ve never seen  _ Fight Club _ ? David Fincher! Come on!”

Keira laughs, shakes her head.

“Okay, write it down- double feature.  _ Sixteen Candles _ and  _ Fight Club _ . Then maybe we can move onto  _ The Breakfast Club _ and  _ Gone Girl _ .”

“ _ The Breakfast Club _ was such an important movie. You’ve really only seen  _ Home Alone _ _?”_

“Yeah, for white people, maybe,” Lainey scoffs, “and of course. Macaulay Caulkin is an icon.”

Keira laughs, loudly. “You’ll change your mind once you watch it. Anything else?”

Lainey looks down at the table. Tugs on a piece of hair that’s fallen out of her low, loose bun. “I, um. I could write you notes. If you want.”

Keira’s eyes widen. That was so  _ sweet- _

“Lorraine always wanted me to,” Lainey continues, rambling, “Like, every day, she wanted me to. I never did, so like, if you got them, then-”

“How romantic,” Keira interrupts, stonily.

“Also, you have to come to all of my Lacrosse games. Unless you’re like, failing a unit. And parties.”

“Fine. Then you have to drive me and my brother to school every day.”

“Fine. Then you have to come with me on the ski trip.”

Keira starts.

The Arus High ski trip. It was famous for being the one place where more students lost their virginity than a group of sophomores on vacation in Florida for spring break. Keira, despite having a very… aggressive ( _ not _ goth) physical appearance, was, in fact, a virgin. In fact, she’d only kissed four people in her life- Lainey being one of them, and one of the other ones being a guy, so it didn’t really count (Ezar had been wasted and very,  _ very  _ apologetic). She had thus never been to the Arus High ski trip.

“Do you… really think we’re still going to be doing this by January?”

Lainey grins, the tip of her pink tongue peeking out from between her teeth. “Call it a contingency. Look, no one in their right mind would let their significant other go on this trip without them, right? So if we are still doing this by then, we should go together.”

Keira is sure that by the time the ski trip comes around, Lainey and her would be ancient history. And that is the only reason why Keira says,

“Okay. Deal.”

…

“I’d rather take the bus, Keira. I’m not fucking with you! I will sit with children and hope they don’t smell the weed on me,” Axac says, tucking his striped, collared shirt into his ripped black jeans. Keira rolls her eyes. That, coupled with his thin black choker, and he’s gonna get mad at people for calling him a Jimin Park look alike. Yes, it was racist and he was valid for getting angry, but also, who dressed like that?

Keira tugs at the hem of her own faded rainbow striped sweater. “Actually-”

They hear a honk, and turn. Lainey pokes her head out the door of her obnoxious Rubicon.

“Y’all ready?” she calls.

Axac tips his head towards the sky. “Oh, thank  _ god _ .”

Axac takes a swig from his glass water bottle as they climb in. Lainey notes the pinkish color.

“Hey, Axac. What’re you drinking? Is there Acai in that?” she asks, shifting into drive.

“Uh…” Axac begins. “It’s. Raspberry smirnoff.”

Keira chokes on her bagel.

“Fuck!” Lainey laughs, loudly. “Okay, then! That’s definitely a choice to make at seven in the morning!”

“He’s fucking with you,” Keira says, turning. “Raspberry Smirnoff isn’t pink.” Right?

She turns to Lainey. “Right?”

Lainey shrugs. “Why would  _ I  _ know?”

“Why’re you driving us, McClain?” Axac says, diverting the conversation as he takes another swig of his drink.

“Well,” Lainey begins. “Just seems like the right thing to do, you know? Pick up your girlfriend in the morning.”

“Huh,” Axac responds, as Keira chokes on another bite of bagel.

“You know, I’ve been looking at natural drinks, for after practice. Instead of like. Gatorade. Do you think you could give me some recipes tomorrow when I pick you guys up again?”

“Wait, you’re driving us tomorrow, too?” Axac perks up from the back seat.

“Sure am!”

“McClain, you are a  _ godsend _ .”

Keira maybe shuts the door with a bit more force than needed when she gets out of the car.

…

They don’t do the asspocket thing. It’s apparently “stupid” (Lainey’s words, not hers).

Keira  _ does  _ walk into lunch with an arm wrapped around her shoulders. It feels like everyone’s eyes are on her when she makes her way into the cafeteria. It’s… disconcerting. Keira’s lived life… not in the shadows, not quite. More… isolated in the spotlight. People knew who she was, talked about her, but they didn’t bother her, or pay attention to her. Now everyone was.

Lainey turns her around. Hands her a little note with her name and a heart on it. She’s looking somewhere distantly past her shoulder, and Keira knows it’s at Lorraine. Figures. Everyone’s eyes on her but the person right in front of her isn’t.

“This is such a waste of paper,” Keira whispers between them, clutching at the paper. Goes warm at Lainey’s responding snort.

“Can I kiss you?” Lainey whispers. When Keira nods, Lainey cups Keira’s head with her hand, kisses her cheek.

“Good job,” she says, pulling away. The corners of her eyes crinkle, her eyes light up with a mischievous glint.

“See you later?” Lainey asks as she walks off. Keira gives a nod, takes off in the opposite direction, her feet carrying her to nowhere.

It’s weird, to be thanked for nothing more than accepting a note and having a cheek to kiss. She plays with the gold locket around her neck, clutches it in alarm when she feels someone yank her backpack and drag her into an empty classroom.

“Keira!” It’s Pidge. “What the hell?  _ McClain _ ?”

Keira shrugs. “I dunno.”

“Of all the people in the world, McClain? I didn’t know you had a thing for dumb jocks.”

Keira grunts. “Believe me. I’m  _ just  _ as surprised as you are.”

Pidge eyes her, critically, from behind glinting glasses. They flip their long hair over their shoulder. They’d curled it, today.

“What did Shiro say? I bet she flipped.”

Keira shifts, uncomfortably. “I, uh. I’ve been avoiding her calls, actually, so. She doesn’t actually know yet.”

Pidge raises their eyebrows. Keira leaves them at that.

…

What was she supposed to say to Shiro, when she called? Hi, Shiro, want to know about my fake girlfriend? Wanna know who it is? How did it start? Definitely  _ not  _ because I was trying to convince your ex-girlfriend that I wasn’t in love with her!

Shit.

It didn’t help when she’d come home and her dad had handed her a letter, saying, “that’s for you.”

She feels dread fill her like air in a balloon as she opens it. She had been hoping,  _ praying _ , that Jamie Griffin’s letter had gotten lost in the mail. It seemed like it hadn’t.

_ Dear Keira _ , the letter starts, _ I couldn’t believe when I opened that letter and it was from you. Wow, it’s been what, five years since we last saw each other? I was so shocked when I read how you felt about me, back then. I was so sure you hated me. It’s kind of a relief to know that secretly, under that rivalry, we felt the same way. To be honest, I’m at an uncertain point with my sexuality right now- _

Keira stops reading. Throws the letter in the trash.

Nope. Not today.

Shiro calls later, when Keira’s making cupcakes for the Art club fundraiser that’s coming up.

“Keira!” she says, when she answers. “It’s been so  _ long _ . So, what’s been going on? What’re you up to?”

“Oh, nothing,” Keira says. “Just making cupcakes for the fundraiser.”

“Cupcakes?” Shiro’s frowning. “Wouldn’t it be easier to do something like cookies? Or even brownies? Blondies?”

Keira slams the bowl a little roughly onto the countertop. “Whatever. It’s not like you’re really here, but. I guess I can still do blondies.”

Shiro smiles serenely, doesn’t react. Keira still catches the melancholy when it flashes across her face.

“I’m sure they’ll be great,” she says, softly. “Hey, um… have you seen Addison around, lately?”

Keira stiffens up. “What? Why would I be seeing Addison?” she blurts.

Shiro narrows her eyes. “Um. Maybe it’s because she teaches at your school? Hey, is everything okay? Anything you need to talk about?”

Keira’s shoulders are still squared when she responds. “Uh… no… um. Ryo’s kind of got a point, about multitasking, you know? I really gotta focus on these cupcakes. Sorry for being so distracted."

Shiro cries out, “Wait!” and Keira ends the call. She breathes out, gustily. Braces herself on the counter.

She hears the doorbell ring, goes to answer it.

“Hey,” Lainey says, her gaze dropping down her body before coming back up to look in her eyes again. “Jesus. You look like a hyper-sexed Martha Stewart.”

Keira is suddenly very aware that not only is she covered in flour, but also that the only things she’s wearing are a pair of lacy black panties, a blush pink apron, and a shirt of Ryo’s that has a strand of DNA asking a strand of RNA, “still single?”

“I’m making cupcakes for the Art club fundraiser,” Keira responds, a little self consciously.

“Oh,” Lainey responds. “Can I come in?”

Keira leaves the door open, walks back to the kitchen.

“You know it’s easier to make simple shapes, right? Like cookies, or brownies. I’m the youngest of five, we have to do this shit like, all the time.”

Keira cracks an egg. “Lainey McClain. What are you doing here.”

Lainey frowns. “Didn’t you read my note? I’m taking you to Hunk’s party!”

Keira scoffs. “I’m not going to that.”

“Um, actually, yes, you are. One, Lorraine’s going to be there. Two, parties are in the contract.” Lainey says, a definitive tone to her voice.

“I’m sorry, Lainey. I can’t. I really gotta make these cupcakes.”

“ _ Keira _ . A deal’s a deal.”

“You can’t what?” Keira’s dad appears, his heavy briefcase falling onto the countertop with a thunk. “Who are you, if I may ask?”

“Hello, sir,” Lainey says, grinning her shiny, white-teethed, strawberry smile. There’s a lost look in her eyes, confusion written across her face.

Keira blinks, realizes suddenly that Lainey has no idea who the hell her dad is. “Oh! Lainey, this is my dad. Dad, this is Lainey.”

“Oh!” Understanding dawns on Lainey’s face. “Lainey McClain. It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Kogane,” she adds, extending a hand out across the table.

“It’s good to meet you too, Lainey,” Keira’s dad responds, shaking her hand. “You can just call me Krolatz.”

“I’m just here to pick up Keira for a friends party,” Lainey continues. “The parents will be home, and I’ll have her home by curfew, if not earlier. Is it okay if we go?”

“Of course!” says her dad.

“Not!” adds Keira.

Keira’s dad glares at her. Keira glares back. She can feel Lainey’s annoyed look burn into the back of her head.

“I can’t go. I have to finish these cupcakes,” Keira protests, feebly.

“I think Axac and I can handle some cupcakes. Why don’t you put some damn  _ pants  _ on, for one, and go get dressed so you can hang out with your  _ friend _ , Lainey?”

Keira continues to protest as she’s shoved up the stairs.

“Go!” Krolatz shouts, one last time.

…

Keira’s wearing a completely sheer, black off the shoulder top that hits about mid-thigh. She’s got a lacy red bralette and distressed black shorts on, under it, coupled with a long, black, wrap choker. October had hit Oregon like a tsunami, but dammit, Keira was determined to always look good, even if she was shivering as cold, moist air made contact with her legs.

“...Lainey, I dunno about this-”

“We’ll be fine! And oh, almost forgot,” Lainey slides a blue scrunchie on her wrist, takes Keira’s red one off and puts it on her own.

“Remember when we did this shit in middle school?” she says, snickering. Keira feels her lips tug upwards, rolls her eyes.

“Lainey!” Hunk opens the door with a flourish. Her face drops when Lainey fishes out a bottle of Macallan from underneath her jacket with a mischievous grin and a raise of her eyebrows. “Lainey, jesus fucking christ.”

“Lainey’s always unnecessarily bringing expensive-ass alcohol to these things,” Hunk explains to Keira as she ushers them in. “Like, the other day she brought over Bacardi and Gentleman Jack. It  _ freaks me out _ , Keira. You think she could just bring over some cheap ass vodka, but  _ nooo _ , Lainey’s a bougie bitch.”

“Courtesy of Marcella,” Lainey laughs. “Now shoo, leave my girlfriend alone. You’re freaking her out with your bartender knowledge.”

“Do you like making drinks, Hunk?” Keira tries, and Lainey groans when Hunk lights up.

“I’m actually really into anything culinary, but yes! I am trying to be a certified bartender in college, hopefully it’ll help me pay for it, you know?”

Keira nods along as they enter the living room area, and, oh. She blinks as the scene fills her vision. The party is  _ packed _ .

Lainey thrusts her hands in the air, Macallan in one hand. Shouts, “Hello, West Linn!”

The party whoops back at her, whistles when Lainey fits an arm around Keira’s waist.

Keira trails after Lainey for about ten minutes, socially anxious. She then feels stupid for following Lainey around like some lovesick puppy and beelines for the vodka.

“Keira!” she hears, turns to see Hunk, waving vigorously in her direction. “Come sit with us!”

Keira walks over, giving Hunk a small smile. Sits down next to her. Across from them, Lorraine’s glaring, whispering something into Sendai’s ear. Sendai laughs.

“We were just talking about teachers we hate,” Floran says, from another side of the square shaped sofa. “Like how Mr. Lux  _ totally  _ favors me, and won’t get off Plax’s ass.”

Plax, next to Floran, shakes his head vigorously. “It’s total bullshit. It’s only because me and Blum sing Weird Al all the time. I bet he has a space worm in his head that makes him evil, or something."

“Iverson won’t leave Pidge alone,” Hunk says. “Where is Pidge-? They were just here-! Well, anyways. The dude totally bullied their sister in school and it’s carrying over. It doesn’t matter if Pidge’s sister was in highschool like, almost a decade ago. Guy has an agenda.”

“God, speaking of grudges against Pidge,” Rayne says, from yet  _ another  _ side of the couch, “They tell this better than I can, but Ms. Wright will  _ not  _ stop deadnaming them.”

Keira sputters into her cup. “What!”

“No way,” Plax gasps.

Rayne nods. “It’s true! I’m not fucking with you. I’m not a freshman but they came out of class one day, like,  _ crying _ . And I was like, dude. I couldn’t believe it when they told me. Anyways. I think their parents are having to talk to the school about it. Can you even imagine?”

“I believe it,” says Hunk. “I remember  _ my  _ freshman year. I was like, ‘Ms. Wright, I prefer to go by Hunk,’ and she was like, ‘Okay, Tsuyu. Sure, Tsuyu. Do your work, Tsuyu.’ Like, bitch! I just told you to call me Hunk! I mean, that’s nothing compared to what Pidge must feel.”

Keira feels her face burning. She didn’t know this. Why didn’t she know this? Pidge was her  _ best friend _ . They told each other everything! Pidge even knew about how she felt about Addison. To keep  _ this  _ from her-

“Whatever,” Lorraine interrupts. “Keira, what’s going on with you and McClain?”

All attention goes to Keira, suddenly.

“Yeah! I had no idea that you were into her, Keira,” Floran says. “You two are so different- it’s so romantic!”

“Dish,” says Sendai, eyeing her. “Tell us everything. How did it happen? Have you done anything?”

“What?” Keira feels lost.

Lorraine snorts. “Of  _ course  _ they’ve done something. Why would Lainey even want her, otherwise?”

“ _ What _ ?” Keira’s even more lost.

“What’s  _ that  _ supposed to mean, Lorraine?” Hunk says, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Oh, nothing,” she says, reclining. “But, whatever. Lainey goes through people. They probably won’t even be together long.”

“Excuse me?”

“Okay, it’s like,” Lorraine sits up, suddenly. “Plax, how long were you and Lainey together?”

Plax is suddenly very interested in his beer. “We were actually together for a long time,” he says, quietly.

Lorraine rolls her eyes. “Yeah, sure. And what about Rola? Or Nima? How long did it take her to burn through them?”

“What are you trying to say about my best friend, Lorraine?” Hunk says, eyebrows narrowed.

“Nothing!” she throws up her hands. “I’m just saying. If she’s with Keira… well. There’s only one reason Lainey’d show interest in someone like her. And it’s  _ not  _ her personality.”

Keira, kind of drunk, says, “At least I have one, you bitch.”

Hunk laughs, rambunctiously. The others are smirking into their cups. Affronted, Sendai whisks Lorraine away with a swift movement.

Keira’s exhausted, suddenly. “I’m gonna… go. Find Pidge,” she says, lamely. “See you guys.”

She hears them say their friendly  _ goodbyes  _ as she wanders. Sits on the edge of the staircase.

She doesn’t know how long she’s been sitting there when Lainey finds her.

“Hey, babe,” she says, warmly. “I brought you something.” she hands her a cup, sits next to her on the step.

Keira takes it, sips. Struggles to swallow it down. “What the hell? What’s in this?”

“What are you- oh,” Lainey switches their cups. “Sorry, I gave you my Kombucha. I’m driving, right?”

“You drink Kombucha?” 

Lainey nods. “Yeah, it’s good for your digestion. Now drink your drink, Hunk made it for you.”

Keira takes a sip. Her eyes go wide. “Oh my god!”

Lainey’s laughing. “Delicious, right? It’s a lemon drop. I told Hunk you’d be a vodka kind of gal. Mostly because your brother is a vodka kind of guy.”

Keira laughs. “Why are you right, though.”

“Hey.” Keira looks up, Lainey’s giving her a soft look, tinged with concern. “You’re all alone here. Come hang out.”

Keira lets Lainey lead her to where Hunk has found herself playing bartender. The football guys are huddled around one corner of the table, all holler when they taste something she’s made. Hunk laughs, bashfully.

She finds Pidge there, too, slumped forwards on a stool, little legs swinging back and forth.

“Pidge!” she says, surprised.

Pidge turns. “Keira! What are you-” they see Lainey from behind Keira’s shoulder. “ _ Oh _ . I see.”

“See what?” Keira says, affectionately, punching Pidge’s shoulder.

“We’re making Pidge’s first drink,” Hunk explains to Keira. “But  _ very  _ low on the alcohol. Pidge is just a kid, after all.”

“What!” Lainey gasps. “They’re assimilating!”

“Eat my ass,” Pidge deadpans.

“So cold, so mechanical! And you hoped to become one of us!”

“McClain, if you don’t-”

Keira walks over to behind the counter when Hunk beckons her. “Let’s pick a drink for Pidge together, okay?”

Keira’s so preoccupied, taking out cups when Hunk tells her to, pulling out different alcohols, watching Pidge’s disgusted face when she takes a sip of her coke and rum and concession of, “Fine, I guess I  _ will  _ wait a couple of years before drinking,” and Hunk’s relieved response of, “Oh thank  _ god” _ , she doesn’t even notices when Lainey disappears and reappears, only to put a hand on Keira’s arm and say, “Ready to get out of here?”

Keira nods, and they leave.

…

They go to  _ The Lion Cafe _ , get two burgers. Keira only eats half of hers before she’s full, and Lainey wolfs down the rest of it.

“Lorraine was so mad tonight,” she says between bites. “You did  _ so good _ .”

“Yeah, well,” Keira says, taking a sip of her coke. “I just hope she doesn’t shank me in the parking lot on Monday.”

Lainey laughs. “I love how you’re not afraid of her."

Keira grins. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like when she was being a complete bitch to you and Axac about your clothes. It was so unwarranted! Sure you guys were matching, but you actually looked super hot.”

“Really?” Keira says, dubiously.

Lainey finishes her burger, wipes her mouth. “I mean, I couldn’t say anything, but. Lorraine may be gorgeous, but you’ve always had  _ much  _ better style. Axac, too.”

She grins, so hard she can feel the laugh lines in her cheeks. She didn’t like smiling like this in front of people who weren’t her family. It was embarrassing.

“Thanks,” she says, a little shyly.

There’s a chime of a phone. Lainey slumps in her seat, rolls her eyes. Throws her jacket onto the chair next to her.

“She just makes me so mad sometimes.”

“Oh, we’re still talking about her.”

“Like tonight, at the party. She barely talks to me, and now she’s blowing up my phone,” Lainey continues. Keira rolls her eyes.

“Do you still talk to her?” Keira asks, suspicious.

“I mean, yeah. Not… as much as we  _ did _ , but. Yeah.”

“Oh, okay,” Keira says, nodding slowly. “I see.”

“What?”

Keira looks around. “What?”

Lainey looks at her, unconvinced. “You’re judging me.”

“Yes.”

Lainey sighs, shakes her head. “Tell me why, Kogane.”

“Well. I guess I just think it’s not healthy that you still talk to your ex girlfriend all the time,” she says. “You’re gonna grow dependent on each other.”

Lainey snorts. “Keira, you haven’t even been in a relationship before.”

“Sure, but at least I’m not obsessed.”

“Hey,” Lainey says, lifting a finger. “I am.  _ Not _ . Obsessed with her.”

“Uh huh?” Keira says, raising her eyebrows. “Then prove it. Stop talking to her.”

Lainey huffs a laugh, rubs at the corner of her eye with a finger. Some of the sparkle of her makeup comes off with the movement. Keira can see her freckles.

“Wow. For a loner, you sure know what to do in these kinds of situations, huh?”

“I dunno about that,” says Keira. “I think it’s maybe more that no one’s been honest with you before.”

“Okay, Kogane,” Lainey says, smiling, a little predatorily, “Be honest with me. How come you’ve never had a girlfriend?”

Keira blinks. “Um. I guess no one’s really shown interest in me before-”

“Bullshit,” Lainey responds, instantly. “Bull- _ Shit _ . I know for a  _ fact  _ that Thalia asked you to junior prom last year and  _ you  _ said  _ no _ .”

“Oh, you’ve been stalking me, have you?”

Lainey rolls her eyes. “And here I thought you were gonna be  _ honest _ . Figures.”

Keira scratches her nose. Looks at the table.

“Love is… it’s a nice thought, you know? But. It’s not, like. Realistic.”

Lainey frowns. “Why.”

“Okay, um. It’s just that,” she begins, “it’s like. The more people you let in…”

“...the more people can leave?” Lainey finishes. There’s an unreadable expression on her face. She gets like this, when she’s serious, Keira thinks. “...Like… your mom?”

“Yeah.” Snorts, humorlessly, looks at the ceiling. “ _ And _ my foster grandma.”

“...Um,” Lainey’s looking down at the table, now, too. “You know my dad died, right? In a car crash.”

Keira nods. She had heard about that. “Yeah. Beginning of Sophomore year, right?”

Lainey nods. “God. If Luisa and Elias hadn’t been out of the house...I just. I don’t know what we would’ve done.”

“...I’m so sorry-”

“No, don’t,” Lainey waves her away. “It’s fine. It’s… whatever.”

“Hey,” Keira looks her in the eyes. “It’s okay. If… you’re not, I mean. And It’s not whatever.”

Lainey looks surprised, for a moment, before she looks down again with a small smile.

“Hey, you say it’s not realistic to be with someone, but you don’t seem to have a problem with being with me,” Lainey says, crossing her arms over the table, leveling her a look.

“There’s no reason to be,” Keira says.

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Keira says. “This is just pretend.”

Lainey’s lashes flutter. “Right. Yikes. Okay, that’s enough for me. Let’s go home, Kogane.”

Keira frowns. “Is everything alright?”

Lainey just smiles, shakes her head. “Yeah, we’re good. Come on.”

Keira gets a notification, later, on instagram. Lainey’s posted three pictures; selfies- she’s holding a distracted Keira’s hand in the first one, then Keira joins her for the second, is kissing her cheek for the third.

Keira comments a heart. Smiles when Lainey comments a heart back.

…

“-And then I faced the weblum! Armed with nothing but a stick and my knowledge, I stared the creature in the face and made it fear me,” Corinne finishes, swishing her rapier in the air.

“Uh huh,” Keira says.

“Careful with the sword,” Alor says. “And you! Careful with the polish! I don’t want it to smudge!”

Keira scowls up at him. “Screw you, dude. Paint your own toenails.”

“Keira, you know I can’t,” Alor complains. “I have  _ back problems _ .

Keira rolls her eyes, gets back to work.

“What even  _ is  _ a weblum, anyways,” she mutters under her breath. “Fucking british people.”

“Australian, darling,” Corinne flourishes.

“Don’t start, Corinne. You’re too old to be up like this, anyways. Sit down.”

“Listen to Keira.”

“This is elder abuse,” Corinne grumbles.

Keira finishes Alor’s nails, beckons for his other foot. Alor was Shiro’s best friend- well, other than Maddie Holt. Alor and Maddie were the same age, and apparently used to follow Shiro around like baby ducks would follow their mother. They had a similar relationship, too, with Shiro viewing them both as little siblings while Alor and Maddie viewed her like an older sister. There was this one awkward phase in high school where Alor had developed feelings for Shiro and Maddie had developed feelings for Alor, which manifested in a giant fight which  _ then  _ resulted in Alor and Maddie deciding to date. Keira honestly wasn’t sure if Shiro knew about all of that, though.

Alor owned  _ Castleview _ , the old age home that used to belong to his mother before she passed away, and where Corinne, his godmother, resided. Shiro and Ryo had volunteered here when it was being run by Corinne, and now that Alor was finally the official owner, Keira volunteered here, too. Axac did, as well, but his attendance was more sporadic than Keira’s dutiful twice-a-week.

“How is Shiro, frolicking along in Scotland? I’m so happy I convinced her to go,” Corinne states, pouring herself some whiskey.

Keira shoots her a betrayed look. “Corinne!”

She laughs. “If Alor has to be miserable, so do you, my darling.” She hands a cup to her godson, quirks her eyebrows at Keira. “Want one?”

“...Yes.”

“I’m  _ not  _ miserable. Maddie and I are constantly facetiming. Sometimes she just calls me because she’s bored. Do I prefer it? No. But I can deal, for a year.”

“Alor’s not miserable,” Keira parrots.

“Oh, psh.” Corinne waves a hand in her direction. “This is a wonderful opportunity for Shiro, and you know it.”

“Yeah,” Keira says, staring downwards. “I just… miss her.”

“Aww,” Alor coos, squishes Keira’s cheeks between her fingers. Keira sputters.

“Let me go!"

“So listen, Corinne,” Alor says. “Axac told me the most  _ interesting  _ bit of information the other day.”

“Oh?”

“ _ Apparently _ Keira here has a girlfriend,” Alor finishes with a sneaky grin.

Keira feels her face go hot as Corinne practically screams. “T-That’s-”

“Keira. Tell us everything.”

Keira frowns. “She’s not even- she’s just a girl!”

“Whose name is?”

“...Lainey.”

The duo continue to coo at her as she stares at the ground.

“Guys!”

“Is she pretty?”

“...Yeah, but-”

“Is she nice?”

“ _ Yes _ , Corinne-”

“Are you happy?”

“Corrine, I  _ am _ , I swear-”

“Then that’s enough for me,” Corinne finishes, giving her a soft smile.

Keira feels her heart swell. She smiles back. “Thanks.”

…

“It’s my birthday,” Keira explains when she opens the door, in reference to the decorations. It’s raining outside. The water droplets catch in Lainey’s hair and eyelashes. They sparkle when they’re hit with the few rays of sunlight that break through the clouds.

“I know,” says Lainey. “I brought you a gift.”

Lainey’s got a silk, baby blue cami tucked into a pair of jeans, tightened by a simple black belt. She’s wearing a silver rose necklace. Keira follows the line of it, takes in her freckled collarbone and shoulders, her cleavage. Keira feels her ears burn. She’s never seen Lainey in anything but a cropped baseball tee and her letterman jacket. She’s never seen so much of Lainey’s  _ skin _ . She kind of wants to touch.

“Oh,” Keira responds. “How?”

“Your brother told me,” Lainey says. “I got something for him, too.”

Keira notes the two giant boxes she’s holding. “Come in.”

Keira’s got on a tank top, shoved into red corduroy pants with black embroidery on them. The embroidery came with the pants, and they were only four dollars. Granted, they were hideous before Axac tailored them.

Her family sits in the living room, around the television that plays  _ Adventures in Babysitting _ . On screen, Sara whispers, “ _ Thor _ ,” as the mechanic comes out of the steam.

“Lainey!” her dad says, surprised, when the duo walk into the room. “It’s nice to see you again!”

“I hope you don’t mind, Mr. Kogane,” Lainey says.

“Not at all! Come join us!”

Keira hears Ryo quietly introduce herself to Lainey behind them. When the movie shuts off, they gather around the table.

“Did you facetime Shiro today?” Ryo asks. Axac nods. Keira doesn’t.

At Ryo’s glare, she shrugs. “I’ll do it later.”

“I can’t believe you two are eighteen,” Keira’s dad marvels.

“Wait, eighteen?” Lainey turns to Keira, boggled. “You’re like, almost full year older than me!”

Keira shrugs.

They slice open the cake- red velvet, with purple frosting- blow out the candles. Her dad takes pictures. Lainey looks amazing, bathed in candle light.

Axac opens his presents first. He gets  _ Kafka on the Shore _ by Haruki Murakami from their dad. Ryo gets him a sketchbook with pressed flowers on the cover. Lainey got him a grey hoodie that says TWICE, and a pale pink hoodie with Dayhun Kim’s name on the back. Keira’s sure his friends got him presents, too. Keira hopes it’s not weed.

Keira gets  _ Human Acts _ by Han Kang from her dad, a similar sketchbook with flowers from Ryo. Keira snorts when she opens her gift from Lainey and there’s a little black teddy bear on top, with the embroidered phrase  _ I’m Emo _ inscribed on it.

“There’s more,” Lainey says, lowly, and she digs, further. There’s a vanilla and eucalyptus scented candle, and-

Shiny, burgundy Doc Martens.

“How did-” she touches it. It’s vegan. “How’d you know I wanted these?”

Lainey shrugs. “I dunno. Just seemed like something you’d like.”

“...These must’ve cost a fortune, there’s no way I can take this-”

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Lainey says. “I was saving up, anyways. Was gonna by Lorraine a bracelet from Pandora, but. I feel like… the money’s better spent, now.”

Keira shakes her head, grinning. “Seriously, thank you so much.”

Later, when the rain has calmed down and all that’s left is the quiet drip of water from the foliage around them, Keira stands under Lainey, looking up.

“Thanks again. For coming. And the shoes,” she whispers.

Lainey’s eyes jump around her face. She smiles and it’s soft, sincere. “Of course. Anything.”

…

Keira had honestly forgotten, for a little bit, why they were doing this in the first place.  _ Who  _ had been motivating this weird public deception.

It had just been so easy, being with Lainey. No expectations. Freedom. Company. Really beautiful, really funny, really world-altering company. They’d go on ‘dates’. They fucked around at the zoo, the children’s museum. Spent countless weekends in Old Town. Went thrifting. Sometimes got really high in parking lots on weekends. Keira would hang out with Lainey’s friends, too. She was already close with Pidge, but she and Hunk had connected, recently. Hunk would always bring her baked goodies. They’d talk about books together- not the serious kinds, but the fun, young adult kinds. Lainey would drive her over and they’d try a new dish Hunk invented. Pidge would call them over to watch movies, talk shit about their teachers. The four of them would huddle up in front of the fireplace, talk about what they thought lived beyond the stars.

But there was a reason they were doing this. A reminder that all of this was fake.

Addison stands before Keira, purple blazer over a gray tee-shirt.

“Addison,” Keira says, surprised.

“Keira,” she responds, giving a polite smile. “I think we’re due for a conversation, hmm?”

They stand on the porch. Addison speaks first.

“Keira. Is it true that you’re dating the McClain girl? Lainey McClain?”

“Yes,” Keira responds, uncertain.

Addison sighs. “Keira. I truly don’t know what you were trying to accomplish with this letter.”

“Wh-”

“What I mean is, why send it now? When you’re dating that,” she wrinkles her nose. “That.  _ Uncouth  _ jock.”

Keira’s silent.

Addison sighs again.

“Keira. To send this to me now, while I’m going through a break up. And then dating some- sexually charged, hare brained jock. It was  _ incredibly  _ insensitive of you.”

Her stomach twists. She was right. Of  _ course  _ she was right. Who does that? Who sends a love letter to someone who was going through a break up? A breakup of a relationship spanning almost a decade- who did she think she was?

“I’m  _ sorry _ , I-”

“Are you trying to flaunt a relationship in my face? Or take advantage of my sorrow? Pretend as if you and your family care for me, but then do  _ this  _ as some twisted way to make fun of me?” Addison adjusts her glasses. “I know you love your sister. But I loved her too. And I don’t appreciate this little… revenge plot you have going on. It’s manipulative. And flat out mean.”

Keira feels sick. She hadn’t cared about Addison at all when she’d agreed to go out with Lainey- she was only selfishly thinking of her stupid,  _ dumb  _ self-

Keira’s ears burn. She stares at the ground, eyes swimming with tears. “I was just trying to- I didn’t even mean for it to-”

Addison clicks her tongue, disapprovingly. “You’ve really hurt and disappointed me, Keira. I hope you take the time to reflect, and do better. I expect some sort of apology soon.”

She leaves, picking up her purse and driving away.

Ryo walks out of the house when she leaves.

“Was that Addison? What’s going on?” She asks, alarmed when she sees Keira hunched over on the porch. “Keira? Are you okay?”

Keira tucks her face into her sister’s shoulder, and cries.

…

“I am so sorry in advance, for this,” Lainey says. 

It was early November. Lainey’s whole family was living at her house, with thanksgiving on the horizon. She insisted upon Keira meeting them. “I already know all of yours,” Lainey had pointed out. “It’s only fair."

Keira grins, nervously. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Lainey had kind of freaked her out, a bit.

“Okay, here we go.”

They exit the Rubicon. Enter the cute, pale yellow house in front of them. Keira is greeted with a cacophony of noise.

“Auntie Lane, is that your girlfriend?” she hears first, before she’s swarmed.

“Wow, she’s so pretty!”

“...Lainey, did you kidnap her or something?”

“ _ Please _ let her not be a drug addict. We’ve already got Marcella!”

“Hey! Who said that!”

Keira tenses, backs up.

They’re not  _ scary _ , or anything, she’s just. Not great with people. Or noise.

“Guys, guys,” Lainey says, holding up two hands. “Give the girl some space, jeez.”

She turns to Keira. “Oldest to youngest?” she asks, quietly. Keira nods.

Lainey steers her in the direction of an older, dark skinned lady in green. “Keira, this is my mom. Mama, this is Keira.”

She’s got laugh lines permanently etched onto her face. There are wrinkles at the sides of her eyes. Her hair is dark and floppy, the way Lainey’s is, void of the thick curls Keira had seen on a couple of Lainey’s other siblings. She takes Keira’s hands in her own.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Keira,” she says, softly. “Thank you for taking care of my daughter.”

Keira really likes her.

“Okay, this is Luisa. She’s the oldest,” Lainey says. Luisa’s a bigger woman, dark skin, kind of short. She shakes Keira’s hand.

“Good to meet you,” she says, a glint in her eyes that reminds her of Lainey.

“That’s Elias, my brother in law. Luisa’s husband,” Lainey points to a pale, muscular man who gives a kind wave.

“Then the twins,” Lainey says, gesturing to a boy and a girl, who were both freakishly tall- like, even taller than Lainey, tall. The girl wore a band shirt and had sepia toned skin; the guy had thick black curls, skin almost as dark as Luisa. “Marcella and Richard. Marcella’s older, but I guess the downside of being the older twin is that she’s the only white passing member of the family.”

Marcella’s polite smile vanishes off her face as Richard cackles. “Hey, fuck you,  _ Elaine _ . If I pass, so does Vincent.”

“Language,” Luisa warns.

Marcella curses quietly, turning pink.

“And, finally. My closest sibling, age wise, and also maybe friendship-wise-” Keira hears protests in the background, “-Vincent!”

Vincent’s got sharp eyes, skin that isn’t quite as pale as Marcella’s. He’s got wire framed glasses, has his hair styled. Keira knows, instinctively, that Axac would love this guy.

“Auntie Lane, what about us?” pouts a little girl from the floor. Lainey swoops down and pets her on the head. Squeezes her cheek.

“I could never forget you, Sylvia. You’re just too cute,” she coos, undeterred by her niece violently slapping her hands away.

“Keira. This is my niece, Sylvia, and my Nephew, Aidan.” A pale little boy peeks out from his sister’s back. Distantly, Keira thinks,  _ this  _ kid passes.

“So,” It seems the whole family is waiting on bated breath, for Keira to speak. “This is my family. They mean more to me than anyone in the world.”

Lainey’s got an apprehensive face on, like it matters to her what Keira thinks. Keira smiles, the action small.

“They seem lovely,” she says, turns to the family. “You all seem lovely. Thank you so much for having me over.”

They cheer, at that, sweep her up and sit her at the table. Boliche, tamales, and ribs are spooned onto the table. Keira gets a plate of ropa vieja in front of her. It’s fucking delicious.

Keira lets the noise and the chaos of the dinner wash over her. Warm light floods the table, from the candles at the sides of the room and the lamps overhead. Keira listens to them discuss hard classes, people they’re romantically interested in, whether they should get more pets, and to what extent of bitchy their homophobic Aunt Rosa is.

“Like,” Lainey says, her mouth stuffed with rice, “Abuela already knows about me and Vinny. I don’t see what the problem is! I swear, Cameron is  _ looking  _ for a reason to get her to disown him. He literally texted me the other day, like, ‘Lane, I wish I was gay. Let’s hold a fake wedding’. This poor kid!”

Lainey’s mom cackles. “Lainey, that’s the stupidest thing you’ve come up with today.”

“No, Mama!” Lainey protests. “I swear, it’s true! We need to get Cameron out of there!”

“So, Keira,” Marcella asks. “Do you have any shitty relatives?”

Keira’s brows furrow. “Um… Not that I know of…?”

Vincent snorts. “Yeah, right. Wasn’t Ms. Wright dating your sister? I can’t even imagine being related to that- ow, Lainey! That hurt!”

Keira blinks, looks down at her beef. The table is awkwardly silent, for a second. Then, Lainey’s mom asks,

“Sister, huh? Do you have a lot of siblings? Hopefully less than Lainey!”

Keira smiles. “Yeah! Uh, I actually only have one blood related sibling, my twin brother, Axac. But I do have two adopted sisters, Ryo and Shiro. They’re a lot older than me, Shiro’s almost twenty six. Ryo’s twenty four.”

Lainey’s mom laughs. “That’s  _ quite  _ a lot of children!”

The chatter increases again, gradually, different members of Lainey’s family occasionally asking her a question. It doesn’t feel forced; it feels like they genuinely want her to be a part of the conversation, which. Feels new, to Keira.

Keira feels Lainey’s hand knock into hers, under the table. She looks out of the corner of her eye. Lainey’s watching her, friendly, concerned.  _ You okay? _ She mouths. Keira nods, gives a small smile. Being here, amongst a big family… Well. It’s nice.

…

_ Wild Nothing _ by  _ Chinatown  _ hums softly over the speaker as Axac spills ink across the paper in front of him. Keira pulls the cookies out. Frowns. They had looked so good in the oven.

“These cookies are shit,” Keira informs him as he stands above the coffee table.

“Bummer,” says Axac, distracted. Keira comes up behind him, hooks her chin over his shoulder.

“What’s this for?”

“Just myself,” Axac says. “Experimentation about culture and why we feel so connected to certain ethnic cultural movements while we’re of a different ethnicity ourselves.”

“So...Why do white people like K-pop so much?”

Axac barks out a laugh. “No, you bitch! I was talking about how Shiro likes Glasgow so much. She says she feels like she’s found apart of herself, almost like, spiritually? And I was like…”

Keira’s smile disappears slowly, she looks to the ground guiltily as Axac continues to talk. He cuts off, at some point, giving her a look.

“...You still haven’t talked to her,” Axac states, doesn’t ask.

Keira rolls her eyes. Turns back towards the kitchen to deal with her shitty cookies.

She hears Axac sigh, behind her. Say, “Whatever.” And then, suddenly, “...Oh my god.”

“What?” Keira spins around, questioningly. Axac is staring out the window, the expression on his face a cross between mildly horrified and vaguely impressed. Keira joins him.

Ryo is talking to their neighbor from across the street. He’s tall, has blonde hair. She knows him- He has a little sister that goes to their school, worshipped the ground Lorraine walked on. Keira can’t remember her name, starts with a B, though. Keira’s blanking on his, too.

“What? They’re just talking,” Keira says.

Axac looks at her like she’s crazy. “Um, have you ever seen Ryo that flustered?”

Now that he mentions it, Ryo does look a bit flustered. She’s a little red, which Keira had assumed was because she was out running. She’s fidgeting, though, and Ryo never fidgets. She takes a step back, stumbling slightly when she does so.

Keira winces. Yeah, Ryo’s never acted  _ quite  _ that stupid.

“Who even is that?” Keira asks.

“Uh, our neighbor, duh.”

“I meant his  _ name _ , dumbass.”

“...I dunno. I think they should date, though.”

Keira looks at Axac, incredulous. “I’m sorry, what? Why?”

Axac shrugs. “Look how happy she seems.”

Keira turns back. The guy’s laughing, Ryo’s watching with a soft look in her eye.

It had been so long since anyone in their family had that soft look.

“...Yeah, okay,” Keira relents.

“Shit, she’s coming! Look busy!”

Keira’s whistling over her sweets when Ryo makes her way into the house. She’s smiling at the ground, soft look still in her eye.

“So, who were you talking to?” Axac asks, casually, not making eye contact.

“Hmm? Oh, Raimon? He’s been our neighbor for a really long time, Axac! He moved into the house across the street from us like two years ago!”

“I knew that!” Axac cries, which isn’t true. “I was just wondering how you knew him.”

“Oh, we run together in the mornings like, twice a week. He caught me once while I was stressing out about the residency application,” the soft look returns in her eyes, “He, uh. He really helped me out."

“Well, that’s nice of him,” Keira comments. Ryo gives her a smile, walks over. Takes a bite of a cookie and grimaces.

“These cookies are fucking terrible, Keira.”

Keira sighs.

…

Keira straightens up from behind her motorcycle. Blinks in surprise when she sees Lainey leaning against the garage doorway. Her jeans are cuffed, her navy converse barely tied. Her stark white top is cropped; Keira can see the edge of her abs, her bellybutton. Her hair spills out of her loose bun in whisps. She wears it in a bun a lot. Keira likes it.

“Hey,” she says. “What are you doing here?”

“I finished studying for the weekend, thought I’d stop by one last time before Thanksgiving. You know, hang out. Show you off for the snap, of course.”

“Of course,” Keira echoes. “I’m just- I’m working on my bike, I hope you don’t mind.”

Lainey’s eyes dip low, taking her in. “Not if you look like that.”

Keira looks down. She’s wearing a sports bra and tiny, denim shorts. She suddenly feels very self conscious, of the slight pudge on her belly, the malnourished pale tone of her skin, especially compared to the bronze of Lainey’s.

Keira scowls, rolls her eyes. “I’m covered with sweat and grease, Lainey.”

Lainey’s eyes soften. “Sorry. I was teasing. Want some fruit? Your dad gave me some to give to you as a snack.”

“This is a trap,” Keira says, unconvinced. “You’re trying to lure me in. Then you’re going to trap me and brainwash me to do your bidding. I can see through your plan.”

“Damn, foiled again,” Lainey says, handing her a tupperware with a mandarin and pear slices. She sits next to Keira on the workbench while Keira crouches on the ground. “So, listen. I’m sorry about Vincent, and what he said, the other night. I told him not to bring up Ms. Wright but. He didn’t listen to me.”

Keira smirks. “Axac would love him.”

Lainey snorts. “He would, wouldn’t he.” They’re quiet, for a moment. The sun filters in from where the garage door is half opened. The light December breeze pushes in the last dry leaves of autumn.

“You know, I actually didn’t know you and Axac were related for a really long time. Then one day he just showed up to school referring to you as his twin sister. I’m pretty sure half the class still thinks you’re fucking with them.  _ I  _ did, until I saw that you guys literally live in the same house.”

Keira sighs. “Yeah. Our family history is… really complicated. I didn’t know then, either.” It also probably didn’t help that she was always yelling at kids in middle school about how even if they were both asian and had the same name, it didn’t mean they were related.

“Oh my gosh!” Lainey’s eyes light up. “I totally forgot! Wait, but? You guys are related? How did you not know?”

Keira sighs again, sits up. “My mom and my dad were separated. The hospital reached out to my dad about Axac, and it was like my parents each got one kid. I didn’t find out about them until two years ago, when they showed up out of nowhere and my dad was like, ‘I think you’re my long lost daughter’.”

“Oh shit,” Lainey says, eyes blown wide. “That actually happened?”

Keira nods. “Yeah. Shiro and Ryo were flabbergasted. Their grandma adopted me when my mom died, you know? And then she died like, six months later. Shiro and Ryo had to fight to keep custody of me, considering I didn’t have any family left. And then I did have family left. Shit’s wild.”

“That story’s better than any telenovela I’ve ever watched,” Lainey marvels. “Well. It has a lot less plastic surgery than any telenovela I’ve ever watched.”

Keira grins, shrugs. Cleans off the tool in her hands with a washcloth. “Yeah, well.”

“You must really miss your mom.”

Keira stops cleaning. “Yeah.”

“I remember her, you know?” Lainey says. The sun lights up her eyes, the brown of her irises turning molten. “She used to make thumbprint cookies for every fundraiser we had. And when it was your birthday, she would make like those… pancake, patty things? With the syrup inside?”

“Hotteok,” Keira responds faintly.

“And I always ate a shit ton of them and you would always yell at me about it,” Lainey murmurs. “But you always gave me extra, anyways.”

Keira looks up. “I remember your dad, too, you know. He really liked baseball, right? And he had this really cool vintage truck that he had hand painted. I remember thinking it was really cool to meet an adult that was into art.”

Lainey’s grinning, but it’s sad. “He was wonderful, wasn’t he?” Adds on, “Your mom, too. She was so cool.”

“She was pretty amazing,” Keira says. Waits a beat. Then, “Even now, it… I dunno. It’s… hard. Thinking about how she could still be in my life.  _ Should  _ still be in my life. Our family is so big now, but… it…”

Lainey nods, taking her in. “I get it. Thinking she’d still be there and having her suddenly not… It was like that with my dad. One moment he was texting the family group chat that he was on his way home, and the next…”

“Yeah. I get it.”

Lainey stretches out a hand, from the workbench. Doesn’t move it until Keira takes hold of it. She squeezes it, comfortingly.

“Probably why you haven’t called your sister in a while, huh?”

Keira frowns, tenses. “What. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Uh huh.”

“You’re imagining things.”

“Sure, Keira.”


	2. P.S. I Still Love You

_“Even saying his name is a remembered pleasure, something to savor, like a piece of chocolate dissolving on my tongue.”_

//

“This movie is a fucking mess,” Alor says with thiny veiled disgust as Yeong-mi stares down the camera.

“...It’s good, though? And the main characters are hot!”

“Is it? Are they?” Alor asks, leveling Axac with a look. Axac sputters.

“Well-the other movies in this trilogy were really good!”

“Yeah, because it wasn’t just senseless violence,” Alor rebutts. “ _Oldboy_ meant something. _Lady Vengeance_ meant something. What does this movie mean? Because frankly, if it has one, I really can’t fucking tell.”

Keira rolls her eyes at the discourse, checked out, the way she always was after Yu-sun died. She stares out the window, notices something, suddenly.

“Guys,” she calls. “Guys! Get the fuck over here!”

“What’s going on?” Axac says.

“I knew we should’ve watched _The Handmaiden_ ,” Alor sighs, getting up and joining Keira as she stares out the window. Then, “Holy fuck.”

“What? What are you guys looking at?” Axac joins them. “...Oh my god.”

Ryo, her short black hair twisted up in a cute little bun at the top of her head, stands sweating through her shirt, red in the face, as Raimon’s hands cradle her head, gently.

“Oh my _god_.”

“They’re talking. They’re _talking_ , Axac.”

“Guys, who is this? Am I missing out on something?”

The twins’ heads whip towards Alor.

“It’s our hot neighbor,” Axac begins.

“He moved across the street from us last year,” Keira continues.

“His sister goes to our school,” Axac adds on.

“They go running together twice a week,” Keira explains.

“We’re trying to find out _everything_ we can about him,” Axac supplements.

“Axac’s trying to get them to date,” Keira finishes.

“Oh, dear.” Alor looks down at them. “They do look quite good together, though.”

Axac cheers, Keira groans.

“Alor approves!” Axac whoops.

“You’ve just encouraged him,” Keira says, mournfully.

Alor grins. “Well. He looks quite nice, doesn’t he?”

Keira does. Her heart lurches when she realizes Ryo’s been crying, as she rubs at her eyes and nose. She catches the way Raimon pats her back, comfortingly, and something within her softens. It’s true, Keira supposes, they _do_ look good together.

…

“Hunk made this?” Keira says, mouth full.

Pidge nods. “It’s good, right?”

“Understatement.” Keira doesn’t like sandwiches. Blame it on her asian heritage, but there’s something so supremely boring about shoving foods between two slices of bread and calling it a meal. This. This, however. This was different.

Her leather jacket has made a reappearance. Her and Pidge huddle on top of it where it’s strewn upon the frosty grass of December. She’s in a black sweater, the neckline and cuffs of which are red. She’s wearing her only pair of blue jeans, and the red docs Lainey gave her. She and Pidge are wearing matching lion beanies. Keira’s is red, Pidge is green. Alor knitted them.

Keira actually finishes the sandwich and drains the rest of her drink before she returns to her joint, savoring the taste instead of chasing it away with marijuana. Pidge wrinkles their nose, waves the smoke away.

“Point that away from me! Isn’t it illegal to smoke around children? I’ll get a secondhand high!” they complain. Keira grimaces. They’re right.

“Okay, I’m not _that_ young,” Pidge complains as Keira puts her joint out.

“You’re barely out of middle school,” Keira points out.

Pidge is geared up, ready for an argument when they hear it.

“All you do is hang out with her,” Lorraine complains. “It’s like… you don’t even have time for me, anymore.”

“Lorraine, I’m not your girlfriend anymore,” Lainey’s voice responds, flatly. “Am I supposed to… what, wait around for you while you’re screwing some college guy?”

Keira’s head spins.

“I’m too high for this,” she blurts. “Let’s leave, this isn’t any of our business.”

Pidge’s- surprisingly strong- grip grabs onto her arm and forces her back down. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? That’s _your_ girlfriend!” Pidge whispers, viciously.

“He’s not like you, Lainey. He’s not a good listener, for one. He doesn’t…” Lorraine’s continuing.

“That’s because he’s not at your beck and call, the way I am. Was. You can’t keep _doing_ this to me, Lorraine.”

“I’m gonna say something,” Pidge announces, and bolts upright. Alarmed, Keira yanks them back to the ground.

“Wait. She’s not coming on the ski trip, is she? Lainey. That’s not fair, it’s _our thing_.”

“What do you care, Lorraine?” Lainey sounds distressed. “You have a fucking boyfriend!”

“Yeah, well…” Lorraine says. “You know. Maybe by then… I won’t.”

Pidge’s disgusted scoff matches the affronted one Lainey makes.

“That bitch,” Pidge whispers.

…

It’s not like Keira feels insecure about Lorraine, really. Or that she compares herself to her. It’s just that. Lorraine’s rich, for one. And, gorgeous, in a supermodel, Kendall- Jenner way. She’s skinny in a way Keira isn’t, thin waist, thin arms, thin legs. Keira’s got muscles in her thighs and her arms. She feels like she’s built like a fucking man. And Lorraine’s got these big blue eyes, a button nose, perfect lips and teeth. Keira just feels so… different, around her. Other. She has monolid eyes and sometimes, when she brushes her hair, baby hair sticks up. She’s not perfect and... _white_ the way Lorraine is.

And Lainey’s… Well. Lainey’s beautiful, too. She’s tall, curvy despite being an athlete. Her legs are full, thick. Her butt is perfect- she’d worn these tiny little nike shorts, once, and stretched up to grab something and Keira had literally felt like she’d died and gone to heaven. Her waist is muscular, her boobs the perfect size. Her face... she has these eyes that glowed. Her mascara always fell off her eyelashes like specs of black stardust. She has freckles, and muted acne scars near her eyebrows, her jawline, her chin. Pink lips that Keira stares at, all the time. Her teeth are so white, so straight. Her skin is this honey bronze, this beautiful warm color that made Keira want to touch her like, all the time.

Her beauty goes deeper than that, though. Unlike Lorraine. It’s that social justice streak she has that forces her to want to help everyone. It’s her dedication to the sports she plays. It’s her complete contentment with domesticity. Her familial love. The way she never stopped talking. Or singing. Or dancing. How funny she is. How understanding she is.

Keira just… she feels like the more used to Lainey she gets, the more it’ll hurt, when Lainey inevitably gets back together with Lorraine. Or if not Lorraine, someone _like_ Lorraine, someone more beautiful. Someone more deserving of someone as beautiful as Lainey.

She bumps into someone, loses her train of thought.

It’s Addison.

“Oh,” Keira says, surprised. “Ms. Wright.”

“Keira,” Addison says, her voice clipped. 

Keira blinks. “Well, I gotta-”

“Keira!” Lainey snaps after the bell rings and kids pour out of their classrooms. 

“Gotta go,” Keira says hurriedly, to Addison, as she scampers over to Lainey.

Lainey’s angry, annoyed, standing there with her eyebrows narrowed and her hands crossed in front of her chest.

“What are you doing?” Lainey asks stormily as they make their way through the hallway. “What do you think people are going to think when they see my _girlfriend_ cozying up next to a _teacher_?”

“What do you think people are going to think when they hear that you’re practically begging to get back together with Lorraine?” Keira retorts, equally as angry.

“What the fuck are you even talking about?”

Keira gives her a dubious look as she approaches her locker. “Today? On the bleachers?”

Lainey makes a frustrated noise. “Oh, so I can’t do _anything_ now, without you controlling me?”

Keira slams her locker door closed, fixes Lainey with a glare. Lainey’s glaring right back at her, eyes icy and hard. It reminds her of the way Lainey used to look at her, the steely looks she’d get after she’d say something particularly biting. Keira hates it.

“Okay, so I was talking to Lorraine. You don’t even acknowledge us in public. You’ve never posted anything about me on your instagram.”

“That’s because I don’t want my siblings to see,” Keira retorts, stomping into an empty hallway.

Lainey scoffs. “Yeah, like Axac and Ryo are gonna care.”

“I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about Shiro,” Keira says, once they’ve reached the far end. “...Listen, Lainey. I don’t think either of us thought this was going to go on for as long as it has. Addison isn’t a problem for me, anymore, Lorraine’s sufficiently jealous; I think we need to call it quits.”

Lainey’s eyebrows are narrowed, her eyes wide. Her chin wobbles, a little. Her hair is out, today, it pools into her collarbone. She looks really pretty.

“I cannot believe you’re trying to break up with me before the ski trip,” she says, lowly. “It’s in the contract!”

“Only if we’re still together.”

“We are still together!” Lainey snaps. “You’re just getting cold feet. You’re scared.”

Keira snorts, crosses her arms. “What do _I_ have to be scared of?”

Lainey throws up her hands. “You tell me, Kogane! You tell me.”

How do you tell your fake girlfriend you can’t go skiing with her because you’re starting to have real feelings? You can’t. So you pivot.

“You know the guy I work with, at _Castleview_? Alor?” Keira asks.

Narrowed brows, Lainey nods.

“I’ll go if you can get him to be a chaperone.”

…

Winter break comes. Shiro doesn’t.

There’s like, two feet of snow on the ground, all around them. Keira layers a red long sleeve underneath a black, Japanese Star Wars shirt that she’s pretty sure belongs to Shiro, considering Keira is neither Japanese nor a Star Wars fan. She tucks her black sweats into her doc martens. Throws on a black, knee length parka that probably also belongs to Shiro. Pulls the hood over her red lion beanie. Keira treks to _Castleview_ praying the snow doesn’t seep into her docs. It does.

Keira’s lying on the ground as Corinne strings a thread through popcorn, bemoaning her life, denouncing everything in it. They get onto the topic of Shiro, the way they always do when Keira bemoans her life.

“Christmas is two fucking days away,” Keira says. “Literally even _Maddie’s_ back. But _nooo_ , Shiro had to stay in scotland for her fancy fucking Garrison job. Fuck. What’s so important about Kerberos, anyways?”

“Please refrain from cussing around my godmother,” Alor says, from where he’s fixing a star on the top of the christmas tree in Corinne’s room (because yes, Corinne was important enough to have her own tree in her room).

“Oh, piss off,” Corinne responds. “Honestly, the way you treat me, sometimes. I’m not that old.”

“You’re eighty four,” Alor deadpans.

“She even said she was coming back for christmas!” Keira cries. “She literally said that! She was like, ‘I’m not gonna be back until christmas’! She’s a fucking liar!”

“Like a record player,” Corinne says.

“I just don’t see why she’s being so selfish,” Keira complains.

“Listen, Keira,” Corinne says, gently. “I know you guys are family, but. Maybe change is what she needed! You can’t judge someone for taking advantage of their life.”

“We _are_ family. I thought we mattered to her,” Keira says, mournfully.

“In one ear and out the other,” Corinne mutters to herself, turning to occupy herself with the cranberries.

“Keira,” says Alor, climbing down the ladder and sitting next to where Keira starfish-stretches on the floor. “Your little girlfriend has been pestering me quite a bit, recently.”

“What?” Keira says, effectively distracted.

“Oh, _now_ she listens,” grumbles Corinne.

“Lainey. She’s been hounding me, constantly, about being a volunteer chaperone for your high school trip. Keira, you know of my aversion to the american education system. I would never support a school venture.”

“Yes,” Keira responds, emphatically, “And that’s why I told her I’d only go on the ski trip if you’d go. Knowing you wouldn’t.”

“What!” Corinne roars. “You have to go! That vicious ex of hers will steal her back if you don’t!”

Kiera laughs at Corinne’s reaction. “Let her! I’m tired of her staring daggers at me all the time.”

“I’m sorry,” Alor interrupts, timidly, “who are we discussing, here?”

“Didn’t you know? Keira’s beau has got this nastly little past lover that keeps trying to snag poor Lainey away!”

“Yeah, Lorraine’s a real bitch,” Keira says, offhandedly.

Alor sucks in a sharp breath. “Lorraine?” He says. “As in, heir to Galra Industries, Lorraine?”

Keira winces. Feels stupid. She’d forgotten about how Alor and Lorraine’s mothers used to be friends, political partners, until they both ran for Portland mayor. How animosity brewed between the pair. How Alor’s mother had passed away. How there were rumors of hitmen.

“Yes…?” Keira offers, hesitantly.

Alor frowns. “The Galra always get what they want. It’s bullshit. _You_ get Lainey, I’ll make sure of it. I’m coming on that trip.”

Keira narrows her eyebrows. “You know my dad used to work for Galra? Actually, my dad’s whole legal office used to work for Galra. I don’t want to be used as a pawn in your personal vendetta.”

Alor rolls his eyes. “It’s not just that, obviously.” He grabs onto her arm, pulls her up. “Since you’ve been with Lainey… Well, I don’t know. I’ve just… never seen you so happy.”

Keira blinks as he brings a dark brown hand to his eyes.

“Are you… crying?” Keira asks, alarmed.

“Yes!” Alor exclaims. “Yes, I am! Keira, you’ve had so much happen to you in your short lifetime. You’ve seen things no little girl should see. You’ve always been so sad. Me and Shiro used to worry about you all the time. I just want good things for you!”

Keira blinks again, taken aback.

“It’s true,” says a voice from the doorway. Pidge stands within it, long hair tumbling over their green puffer jacket. “You’ve been going to parties, making new friends… Keira, I always worried about you being lonely. With Lainey, I just… I feel like you’ll never be lonely, with her around.”

Keira stares at the ground, embarrassed.

“Why are you here, Pidge?” Alor asks, conversationally, pleasantly surprised.

“Sorry, we’re just here for me,” Maddie Holt says, popping up behind Pidge. Her hair’s cut short, which is very different. “Hi, baby.”

Alor grins. “Hi, Mads. How was your flight?” He goes over, cups her face and pecks her lips as Maddie wraps her arms around his waist. They’re already caught up in each other, murmuring to one another in low voices with stupid grins on their faces.

Keira feels a pang in her chest, but she doesn’t know if it’s at the fact that she hasn’t been that lovey dovey with Lainey in ages, at the fact that even when they have been like that, it’s been completely fake, or at the fact that Maddie fucking Holt is standing right in front of her and yet Shiro isn’t coming back until summer.

She settles for insulting their height difference.

“Maddie, you look like a fucking gnome who wants to make love to a tree,” she calls, to which Pidge breaks into raucous laughter. “Like. Like a fucking dwarf who’s trying to climb a giant.”

Pidge continues laughing when Alor bends Maddie down for a deep kiss and Maddie sticks her middle finger out at Keira. Pidge even tries their hand at an insult before they all realize in alarm that Corinne’s fallen asleep without taking her meds.

…

December passes, they’re back barely before New Years has ended. The ski trip commences. Keira’s dad drives her, Alor, and Maddie, who had decided to be a chaperone last minute, to the bus and herds them out of his car before he drives away. Keira discovers, in horror, that her dad has tucked a box of dental dams inside her backpack.

She finds Hunk in the line. “Hey,” she whispers, tugging on her sleeve. “Do you think we could sit together?”

Hunk blinks, bemused. “But I was gonna- I thought you were-” she shoots a confused look over to where Lainey’s standing, talking to some dude.

“Please?” Keira asks, desperately. Hunk takes pity on her, giving her a weird look before she nods. 

“Yeah, alright,” she says. 

Keira lets out a breath, relieved.

Lainey grabs her arm when Keira walks past her, in the aisle.

“Wh-Wait, where are you going?” she stammers out. “I thought we were gonna sit together?”

“Yeah, well,” Keira says, shouldering her backpack over her bright red peacoat. “I already promised Hunk, so.”

“What?”

Keira settles down next to Hunk, pulling at the collar of her black turtleneck.

“-Hunk, I dunno if this is-” she cuts off. Hunk isn’t listening to her, giggling at the football player sitting in front of them, head on his backrest, arms wrapped around the neck.

“Hmm? What’s that, Keira?” Hunk turns and asks.

Keira deflates. “Nothing.”

“Okay,” Hunk says brightly, turns back to the guy.

Keira sighs. This was going to be such a long drive.

…

The guy’s name is Shane. He’s a football player. He’s got a scary older sister that does _not_ like Hunk, which is weird, because Keira didn’t think anyone could be capable of not liking Hunk. These are all things she learns on the ride to the lodge.

Alor shouts, “Grab your room keys! You’re choosing your roommates!” when they get there, and Keira is suddenly reminded why so many kids have sex on this trip, with the school’s penchant of only hiring college kids to chaperone.

Unease builds in Keira’s chest as she looks around. Mount Bachelor is beautiful this time of year, but anxiety blooms at the thought of being alone with Lainey.

“See you on the black diamond, Lainey,” calls Lorraine’s voice. “Last one down the slope owes the other gingerbread eggnog.”

Kiera looks up to where Lorraine’s leaning over the railing, her silky blonde hair tumbling around her.

The unease ties in a knot as she peeks over at Lainey. It lessens when she sees Lainey roll her eyes.

“Go get your woman!” Hunk says, elbowing her gently. Keira jumps; she hadn’t seen her show up.

“Are you kidding?” Keira says. “I can’t go down the black diamond! I’ll break my fucking neck!”

Hunk gives her an unimpressed look. “Keira, if you’re not going to ski, what are you planning on doing all weekend?”

Keira raises her eyebrows mischievously, her lips quirking up slightly. She pulls a stasher bag full of weed out of her backpack.

“Oh my god,” Hunk says in disbelief.

“What’s going on, kids?” Alor says, his white puffer jacket squeaking as he shoves his hands in his pockets.

“Alor,” Hunk says, throwing an arm around his neck- they had somehow become best friends, over the course of the bus ride over, Keira thinks it’s due to Alor and Hunk’s extrovertedness and adequate social skills- “Can you help me convince Keira to come ski with us?”

Alor laughs. “Yeah, right. You think I’m going skiing? It’s cold outside. I’m black. I don’t do cold.”

“I have- very many issues with that statement,” Hunk responds, “Is that even an actual stereotype?”

“I have korean face masks!” Keira pipes up.

Alor raises his eyebrows, slides next to Keira.

Keira grins. 

…

“Wait,” Alor stutters. “You guys have been faking it this _entire_ time?”

Keira nods miserably as she peels off her facemask. Maddie’s tucked into the crevice of Alor’s arm, absolutely passed out from skiing. She’d hit the toughest tracks immediately, keeping an eye on all the kids risky enough to want to do them, too, before walking in on Keira and Alor’s skincare night and crawling into bed next to her boyfriend.

“Yes, and you can’t tell anyone, okay? I just. I’m so _confused_ , Alor,” Keira says, digging into her dumplings.

Alor adjusts his arm so that Maddie’s drooling face rests on his chest. “Well- I don’t think I completely understand what’s going on, but. I do know that Lainey? She likes you.”

Keira gives him a dubious look.

“No it’s just- the way she looks at you, Keira. It’s like… you’re something precious, something wonderful, someone she has the privilege of being near,” he says. “She looks at you all soft, Keira. You know. The way I look at this little idiot,” he pinches Maddie’s nose. Her face scrunches up in her sleep.

Keira smiles, then it drops.

“It doesn’t matter if she does. She’s still so obsessed with Lorraine. And I’m just another one of the stupid people who fell for McClain.”

“Keira,” Alor says, gently. Keira glances over.

“Look,” he begins. “She was her first love. Loved ones will always mean a lot, even if they’re in the past. Even if you grow to hate them. The fact that you loved them will always be true. You can’t judge her for that. You have to be trusting. Forgiving. Give her time.”

“Also,” Alor continues. “If you look at the facts, well. _She’s_ the one who came up with the fake dating idea. _You’re_ the one who keeps trying to break up. Also, you’re the one with the avoidant attachment type. So I’d say, if there’s someone who looks like they fell for someone who doesn’t like them back, it isn’t you.”

Keira blinks, swallows her dumpling. “You think she’s waiting for me in the hot tub?”

…

Keira finds her in the tub, slumped over, her chin grazing the surface of the water. Her hair is pulled up in a high bun, different from her regular low one. Keira can see golden streaks, with her hair up like this. She probably got it highlighted. Little wisps of hair fall out at the base of her skull, plaster to her neck, the knob of her spine. The blue of the water lights her up from below. She’s really pretty.

Keira pulls her hair into a high pony. Comes around to the edge of the tub.

“We had a dumpling party,” she offers. “We made mandu and Hunk got really drunk, so me and Alor did facemasks.”

Lainey just raises an eyebrow.

Keira huffs, frustrated. “So, what, you’re just going to ignore me?”

The other eyebrow joins the first. “What, like you haven’t been?”

Keira flushes, guiltily, walks up the front steps of the hot tub and sits down.

“Didn’t you get to sit next to who you actually wanted to sit next to, anyways?” Keira asks, staring at her feet.

Lainey straightens up and, oh. She’s wearing a string bikini. Tiny, bright blue, satin triangles cover her breasts, but that’s about it. Water sticks to her throat, her collarbone, her cleavage. Keira shifts. She can’t really stop staring.

“For someone so smart,” Lainey says, hushed, “You can be really fucking dense sometimes.”

“Excuse me?”

Lainey tips her head back, exposing the full column of her neck. “Ugh. I wanted to sit next to you, Keira.”

She tilts her head back upright, places her elbows on the sides of the tub. Keira can see the edges of her breasts peek out of her bright blue top.

“I even packed the snacks. I bought a bunch of nori that we could eat together on the drive here,” she continues.

“Technically we call it gim-gui,” Keira says, faintly.

Lainey splashes her, half-heartedly. “Fuck off. It’s the same thing and you know it.”

Keira turns, so that she’s facing Lainey and her legs, from the knee down, are submerged in pool water. Lainey’s eyes flicker from her bare legs to a pocket of skin revealed by her peacoat. Her eyes meet Keira’s, and they look… unsure. Scared.

“I’m sorry, Lainey,” she says, quietly. “For everything.”

Lainey quirks a grin, her rosy lips stretching into that mischievous smile of hers.

“It’s okay.”

Keira stares at her, takes her in. Not just the curve of her breasts, but the way her skin has goosebumps all over from the January air. She takes in the way her stomach is flushed red from being exposed to heat for so long. The way the wayward hair sticks to her face. Her caramel skin. The freckles that bloom across her face. The bags under her eyes that she always got when she was extra stressed- which tended to be a lot of the time, actually.

Keira takes off her peacoat.

“Wh… What are you doing?” Lainey asks, eyes drifting from her burgundy halter down to the low rise of Keira’s swim bottoms.

Keira ignores her, comes up in front of her to where her knees bracket in Lainey’s legs. Lainey has to look up to make eye contact with her.

They’re so close, like this. Their noses almost touch. Keira can see the individual strands of her eyelashes.

“Hi,” she whispers, cupping Lainey’s upper arm with her left hand.

“Hi,” Lainey responds, eyelids lowering, biting on her bottom lip to tamper her grin. She cups the underside of Keira’s upper thighs, pulls her closer so that Keira’s straddling her.

“Can I kiss you?” Keira whispers, her voice breaking, slightly.

Lainey presses their lips together.

Keira’s hands cup her face, at first, Lainey’s hands remain steady on Keira’s thighs, but when Lainey opens her mouth and Keira licks into it and Lainey _keens_ , Keira grips Lainey’s hair and sucks because she needs to hear more, she wants Lainey to make that noise again. Lainey’s hands grip into her legs and drag upwards so she’s squeezing into Keira’s butt and Keira can’t help the way her hips roll downwards. Lainey detaches from her mouth, runs her lips and tongue down the column of her throat. Keira’s arms wrap around her head, her mouth finds a spot below her jawline and she sucks.

They move back to each other’s mouths and Keira thumbs at the strings of Lainey’s swimsuit, whispers, “Can I?” and at Lainey’s answering, “Yeah,” she palms at her breasts, slides her fingers under the top and rubs her fingers on Lainey’s nipples. Lainey gasps into her mouth and Keira moans. She can feel her hair slipping out of her ponytail, feels Lainey’s hair graze her arms, and she doesn’t even care. She just wants to be still in this moment, wrapped up in Lainey like this, for the rest of her life.

Later, when the urgency slips out of their kisses and they’re just pressing their smiles and bodies together, when Lainey takes out two fluffy white robes and pulls her inside the lodge, holding her hand, when they walk up the stairs to their rooms while their peers give them affectionate looks, that’s when Keira admits it to herself. To Lainey.

She stares up at Lainey, grinning stupidly, smiling wider when she sees Lainey’s equally as stupid grin.

“Hey,” she says.

“Hi,” says Lainey.

“I really like you,” Keira says, looking at the way Lainey’s mascara is smudged from the water, the way her mouth is rubbed red. The way her bun leans to the right. The way that, at this angle, Lainey has a slight double chin.

“I really like you too,” Lainey says, smiling wider.

“Good,” whispers Keira.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Lainey pecks Keira’s lips, and they’re both giggling. They’re so stupid, the pair of them.

“G’night, Keira,” Lainey mumbles.

“Goodnight,” Keira says back, softly.

Lainey pulls away, and Keira watches as she walks back, watches her waddle back to her room in her slippers, her bun losing its battle with gravity.

Keira presses her fingertips to her lips. She can’t stop smiling.

…

Distantly, Keira knows she’ll look back on this moment in embarrassment. Making out in a Jeep Rubicon was not the most classy thing she’d ever done. It’d have been different, in an original Wrangler. Wranglers were classic, timeless. Everyone knew what a Wrangler was. The only thing people thought when they saw a Rubicon was that some sporty teenager needed some place to stash their vapes.

But, as Lainey’s mouth presses into hers, Keira can’t really bring herself to care. Lainey’s mouth is warm and her tongue presses against her and Keira feels the heat in her cheeks travel downwards.

Lainey’s draped on top of her in the backseat, with Keira sitting on her butt, her knees bent and ponytail pressed against the window. Her legs trap Lainey’s body on top of her. They’ve been kissing forever, it feels like, and Keira doesn’t want to stop. Lainey’s hands are on her knees but they’re slowly drifting higher, under her plaid red skater skirt. Keira encourages the movement by spreading her legs.

She whimpers when Lainey trails her mouth downwards, finding a place on her neck and sucking. She’s so hot, she feels like she’s burning up from the inside. Keira just wants more of Lainey, more of her hands and her mouth and her eyes and her smile and everything.

Keira’s phone pings. Pings again. Pings again. Doesn’t stop pinging.

Keira bites on a moan, rolls her eyes slightly in frustration as she pulls it out.

She’s got a bunch of texts from unidentified numbers, all concerned and checking in on her. She clicks on an instagram DM from Pidge. Alarmed, they’ve written, _is this you???_ Linked with a video underneath.

Keira clicks on the video.

“Holy shit.”

She straightens up, off the window, pushes Lainey upright, who dazedly detaches from her neck. “Huh?”

“Lainey, holy shit.”

“What?”

Keira hands her the phone.

The video is of them, making out in the hot tub. Lainey’s almost completely obscured, with the exception of her hands gripping Keira’s ass. But there’s no way to mistake Keira, though her back was to the camera. Her distinguishable glossy ponytail sways slightly and there’s a glimpse of the side of her face.

“What the fuck?” Lainey’s voice is shaky, her knuckles white where she’s gripping the phone. “Who would do this?”

“It’s fucking creepy, right?” Keira attempts, trying to laugh.

Lainey’s face is red, and Keira’s starting to realize it’s not from the remnants of arousal. “This is so fucked up.”

“Hey,” Keira says, placing a hand over Lainey’s. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

“Well, I do!”

“You can’t even tell that it’s you in the video.”

“I don’t _care_ ,” Lainey says. “I don’t want people thinking of you that way. I don’t want people seeing you that way. You deserve to have that privacy. It’s just basic respect.”

There are butterflies fluttering in Keira’s chest. She doesn’t know why that makes her stupidly happy.

“I don’t care what people think of me, Lainey.”

Lainey softens, then. “...Fine. If you’re okay with it. I still think people should respect your privacy, though.”

Keira cups Lainey’s cheek with her hand. Pinches Lainey’s nose. It works the way she wants it to, Lainey finally cracks a smile.

Keira kisses her. “Thanks for being worried about me.”

Lainey smiles back, her eyes shiny, like stars. She frowns again. “It’s still child pornography, though.”

“Actually, I’m eighteen.”

“Oh, right.” A pause. “Well, I’m in the video, I’m not eighteen.”

Keira sighs. “Don’t worry, we’ll get the video taken down.”

Lainey grins. “Okay. Do you wanna get dino nuggets and go to Value Village?”

Keira laughs, agrees, doesn’t say anything as they climb into the front of the car and Lainey grabs her hand over the gear shift. Doesn’t say anything when they interrupt Sylvia and Nadia’s crayon coloring session to make them eat with her and Lainey. Doesn’t say anything when they get to the Value Village and Keira records Lainey as she dons donated New Years clothes from a week ago.

But she’s pretty sure she knows who posted the video.

…

“You’re really okay with it?” Pidge asks, dubiously.

Keira sighs. “For the last time, _yes_. I’m okay with everyone thinking I’m not a virgin. I like… have street cred, now, or something.”

“I feel like you have enough street cred. Even if it is from being related to Axac. You know he’s done _acid_? Where did he find acid?”

Keira sighs. “Honestly, it’s not even that. It’s just like, why do I have to be ashamed by how much sexual experience I have? It’s nobody’s business but mine, you know? Whether I’m a virgin or not doesn’t matter to me, so why should it matter to anyone else?"

“Yeah, but like. How many kids our age do you actually know aren’t virgins?” Pidge responds.

Keira stops. Blinks. Looks down at Pidge.

“God, Pidge," Keira says, a little taken aback, "You're so fucking _young_."

“Wait,” Pidge asks, horrified, “Have _you_ done acid? You know what? You’re all correct. I _am_ too young for this shit.”

“Good,” Keira says, decisively. Pidge’s eyes widen at something behind Keira, and they turn away. “Wh- Pidge! Where are you going?”

“I’m out!” calls back Pidge. “I am not in the mood today!”

“What’s all that about?” says a complacent voice. Keira turns. It’s Lorraine.

“Uhh. I dunno,” Keira responds.

Lorraine smiles at her, but it’s not menacing, it’s… kind. “Hey, Keira. I think it’s so cool that you came out on the ski trip. I hope you had fun.”

The british tilt to her voice isn’t as hard and jarring as it usually is. It’s soft, mellow.

“Um. Thank you. I appreciate it.”

“Oh, also,” Lorraine says, as if something’s just occurring to her. “I think it’s so mature of you to be so understanding of my friendship with Lainey.”

Oh. So _that’s_ what this was about.

“Yeah, of course,” Keira says, nodding.

“Yeah, it’s just,” Lorraine says, sliding a scrunchie into her hair- a red scrunchie, _Keira’s_ scrunchie- as she continues, “A lot of girls would be so weirded out with their girlfriend sleeping in someone else’s room, but, not you, Keira. You’re chill with everything. Figures, Axac was like that in middle school.”

Keira squints. Red doesn’t suit her. Purple looks better on her.

“It just eludes me,” Keira starts, yanking on the flap of her backpack. “Why you’d try to publicly ostracize someone you say you love. For one thing, she’s a girl. And to try to put down another girl for what they do with their bodies? Being a girl yourself? That’s a whole other level of evil.”

“What,” Lorraine snaps.

“And you know she’s weird about it, too,” Keira says, tilting her head to the side. “You can’t have missed it, not someone like you. Hell, I’ve heard it- people calling her a slutty bisexual. Aren’t you literally also bisexual? What the fuck are you trying to accomplish?”

Lorraine just glares, her face going stormier.

“You know _I_ don’t give a fuck about things like sex and scrunchies,” Keira says. “My family situation is complicated. People talk shit about us all the time. Someone literally asked me if I did ketamine, once. You know that what people think of me is literally the last thing on my mind. So let me ask you this: who are you really hurting, in this situation?”

Keira shakes her head, turns away. Lorraine hasn’t hurt her. Or made her sad, or scared, or intimidated. Or even angry. The only thing Lorraine’s ever really done to her is… well, disappoint her.

She sees the look on Lorraine’s face as she leaves; shocked and pale.

…

Axac and Lainey are talking on the porch. It looks like they’d just worked out together, both dressed head to toe in (hopefully recycled) lycra.

Keira groans, inwardly. It’s not like she’s avoiding Lainey, it’s just…

She can’t get what Lorraine said, out of her head. Did Lainey really sleep in someone else’s room? In Lorraine’s room? Did they… do anything? It wasn’t like the physicality of it made it worse, though. If Lainey had gone to Lorraine’s room, then…

Something cold worms its way into Keira’s heart. Maybe she wasn’t good enough for Lainey, after all.

She pulls on the strings of her cropped red Sriracha hoodie, tightening the hood over her face. She’s gotta get to her room without anyone noticing.

She gears up, preparing to climb the side of her house-

“Keira?” Ryo’s voice calls, questioning.

-and breathes a sigh of relief. Thank god for her sisters.

“Ryo! What can I help you with?” she says, turning. Blinks in surprise when she sees a tall, blonde, muscular man next to her.

“Keira, you remember our neighbor, Raimon?” Ryo says, stopping, breathless.

“O-of course,” Keira starts.

“Raimon, this is my little sister, Keira,” Ryo says. He stops, extends out a hand.

“Lovely to meet you,” he says, in the same british accent as Alor.

“You as well,” Keira says. “You know, we’ve got this friend-”

“Yes, he’s from the same town as Alor,” Ryo says, hurriedly. “I already talked him to death about that.”

Keira’s about to respond, remark on what a coincidence that was, when-

“Ryo? Oh my goodness, fancy seeing you here!” calls Axac, suddenly. Keira winces. She hated him, sometimes.

“I… live here,” responds Ryo, slowly. Like Axac was dumb. Because he was.

Keira turns minutely, sees Axac and Lainey walking over and turns back around. Curses silently. She was going to kill him in her sleep.

“I mean, I know that, I just meant I thought you were out on your morning jog!” says Axac, not being subtle at all. He stands next to Keira. Lainey’s on her other side. Her tights cling to her legs.

Ryo rolls her eyes. “Guys, this is Raimon, our neighbor. Raimon, this is… well, my little brother, Axac. And Lainey, Keira’s girlfriend.”

Keira tenses, at the word, but no one seems to notice.

“Nice to meet you,” Raimon says, shaking Axac and Lainey’s hand. Axac is grinning gleefully.

“You know, Raimon. We’ve seen you around so often, but you kind of seem like a mystery?”

“Oh?” asks Raimon. Ryo eyes him, warily.

“Yeah! We’d really just love to get to know you… you know, since you’re getting to know our sister,” Axac says, smile still sharp on his face.

“That’s sweet,” Raimon responds. Ryo’s face has darkened. Maybe she’d join Keira, tonight, when she goes to murder him.

“Well, I mean- we were just about to watch a movie, me and the lovebirds. I know you’ve just gotten back from a run and everything, but… would you maybe wanna join us?” Axac asks, eyeing both him and their sister with a look of hopefulness.

“Oh!” says Raimon, surprised. “Well I’d… I’ve never actually been inside your house before,” he says, turning to Ryo.

“Oh, you haven’t?” says Ryo. Her voice has gone high, reedy. She’s nervous.

“I mean, I’d love to,” he blurts, rubbing the back of his head. “If that’d- if that’s okay with you.”

“Yes! I mean, well- yeah, I’d- We’d love to have you over!” Ryo responds, just as surprised.

“Great!” he rubs his palms on running tights, nervously. “Um, is it okay if I go get changed? Real quick? And I’ll be right back?”

“Y- I mean, yeah! See you in a bit!”

They grin at each other. Ryo gives a high pitched laugh.

“Well, okay, see you soon,” he says, rushed, and he runs away.

“Wow,” Lainey says, breaking the silence. “That was sad.”

Ryo’s head whips around and she’s got malice in her eyes. 

“Fuck you, kid,” she seethes. “You better get your asses upstairs and help me pick out something to wear.”

Axac’s eyes widen when he hears that, he pushes Ryo upstairs. “Come on, woman! We’ve gotta get you dressed!”

Lainey slings an arm around Keira and she tenses, again, elbows Lainey in the ribs maybe a little roughly. Lainey lets go immediately, gives her a look of concern.

“Everything okay?” she asks.

“Yeah,” Keira says, but she can’t meet her eyes. “Let’s just… help Ryo get ready.”

They end up putting Ryo in this black turtleneck and jeans that make her butt look amazing. Raimon comes over in a pink hoodie and light washed blue jeans. When Ryo opens the door, they stand staring at one another for a solid minute before Axac interrupts and invites him in.

They learn that he actually does have a little sister that goes to Arus high, this little redhead girl named Brenda that is, in fact, obsessed with Lorraine, which he does not approve of. They moved to Portland from England, where their dad still lives, but they’re trying to convince him to come over. Raimon’s a psychiatrist, works with trans youth, as he’s trans himself. He’s sweet, passionate, a little slow- they’re watching Coco, and he’s blown away by the twist at the end, which is a twist everyone saw coming.

Lainey’s with them the whole time, and when she climbs onto the couch, Keira sits on the opposite end.

…

“For godsakes, what is that racket?” Corinne says, brushing away her puffy red hair. Keira thinks it’s kind of amazing how, even in her old age, Corinne’s hair is still bright red. It says something about her, maybe, and what kind of person she is.

“I think Alor is struggling with someone down there,” Keira says, flipping the page. “Want me to keep reading?”

Corinne’s got a collection of books, but only classics and children’s literature. “It’s the only literature with value,” Corinne had informed her when Keira had asked. At least once a week, since her eyes are old, Keira will read out loud. It’s anything from poetry to mythology to Kate DiCamillo.

Today, Corinne looks at her, contemplation written across her face.

“There’s something you need to tell me, or at least tell somebody. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something wrong, something off about you, today.”

“What?” Keira says, taken aback. “What makes you say that?”

“Oh, don’t give me that,” Corinne says, with a wave of her hand. “I know you, young lady. I know when something is really wrong and when it isn’t. You’ve been the same way your whole life, all puffy and angry when something doesn’t hurt, and all quiet and solemn when it does. You were that way when you were eight years old, all pouty because your mother hadn’t packed you any pineapples for snacks, but quiet when you got bit by that garter snake, and you’re that way now.”

Keira blinks, marvels at the woman in front of her. Keira’s lifetime had been such a short amount of hers. Keira wonders if she had made the same impact on Corinne’s life as Corinne had on hers.

“It’s Lainey,” she reveals. “My… girlfriend.”

“Ah, the fake one,” Corinne says in understanding.

“Corinne!”

“What? Alor tells me everything!”

Keira grins, shakes her head. Her smile slips off her face. “I dunno. Something happened, and…”

Corinne holds out a hand for her to grab. Keira takes it, and when Corinne squeezes, she continues. “It’s just… sometimes, I think… maybe we’re not... meant for one another. I’m not like her, you know? I’m not. I’m not social, or good with people. I can’t make others laugh the way she can. And she’s so beautiful… and cool, and _talented…_ I just feel like she’s meant for better. She doesn’t have to settle for me."

“Keira,” says Corinne. “First and foremost, you need to value yourself. Don’t be in a relationship with anyone that makes you feel like you’re not good enough. But,” she holds up a finger when she sees Keira perk up, to protest, “You musn’t let others tell you how to feel in your relationship, either, dear, which is what I’m thinking is going on here.”

She gets up. “Want some whiskey?”

She pours out two Irish whiskeys, adding some ginger ale. “Now, listen, Keira. I take it personally when someone insults someone I love. And you’re someone I love. You can’t think about yourself in such a way. You’ll break my heart, and you’ll break your own, too. Now, chin up, my girl.”

She hands Keira her drink, squeezing her chin.

“Thanks, Corinne,” Keira murmurs.

“Anytime, my girl. Now, eighteen, hmm? You know that was the age I was when I met my husband?”

Keira sits up in her chair. Corinne had a husband and daughter, but she doesn’t talk about it ever. She nods.

“What was he like?”

“Well,” Corinne begins, “We both used to work with Alor’s mother, in the government. We met at a rally, of course, and we went to sit ins and would chain ourselves to fences. We got detained quite a bit- not as much as Alor’s mother did, of course, but such was the way of the world, in the sixties. I guess during those moments, fighting for human rights, being locked up in a jail cell… we fell in love.”

“Wow,” says Keira. “That’s kind of badass, Corinne.”

“I was, wasn’t I?” Corinne grins, and goes quiet.

“You know, that girl, after you introduced her to us, she’s been showing up here every sunday,” Corinne says.

“What?”

“Yes! She comes over, asks me if she wants me to clean anything, do anything for me. She brings over food. She dotes on me, that child. So gentlemanly.”

“ _Really?”_

“I’m telling you the truth! She’ll come over after church and spend hours here. I tell her that her time is better worth studying than looking after a dying old woman, and you know what? She tells me that I’m important, I must be special if I matter so much to you,” Corinne says, smiling in Keira’s direction.

Keira grins, downwards. Blushing.

“She only ever talks about you, when she’s here, Keira,” Corinne says, gently, “Well. That and lacrosse and sometimes how women’s sports teams are obscenely underpaid, but. Mostly you.”

Keira looks up at Corinne.

Corinne gets up, picks a book from her shelf.

“I’ve been meaning to give you this,” she says, handing Keira a book. “For many reasons, not just to help you with love, though there is a lot of love in it. But use it. To figure yourself out, to enjoy. To grow and learn. And use it to figure out what you want, if you want anything with Lainey. If you think there’s something there.”

“ _The Collected Poems of Rumi_?” Keira reads. “For me?”

“Yes. For you,” Corinne says with a smile. “And. I won’t claim to know what’s going on, but, if I had a love like you do, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

…

Keira knows it’s a bit odd that her sisters held Korean new year every year after her mom passed, given that they were Japanese, but she figured they knew how much it meant to her, being another aspect of her parent’s culture; one who had been absent during her childhood, and the other who would be absent in her adulthood. The silver lining of the whole situation, however, had been that she hadn’t had to wear a hanbok. That changed when her dad came back.

Korean new year was at the end of January, this year, and though the actual event was only three days, the Shirogane-Koganes had a penchant for decorating enthusiastically a good week before, and typically letting it remain for the rest of Chinese new year.

Keira and Axac had arrived home at the same time. Keira had spent the weekend with Pidge and Axac with Zeth, Ezar and Natrid, probably at Ezar’s house. They’d been shooed out on Thursday evening, to no explanation, just a glare from their father and a “I promise you, you’re gonna love it,” from Ryo.

“How was your weekend?” Keira asks.

“I dunno, it was fine,” he shrugs, pounds on the door.

“-and it’s really weird, Krolatz, because like, what am I supposed to tell them? I wrote like, a seven hundred word essay in extenuating circumstances, the least they could do is _read_ it!” Ryo answers the door in a huff. “Oh, it’s you two. Don’t you guys have house keys?”

Keira rolls her eyes. “Love you too, Ryo,” she says, stepping inside and toeing off the birkenstocks on her feet. They’re not hers- Kiera would normally never wear something so basic- they’re Lainey’s. Keira feels a weird mix of warmth and guilt whenever she looks at them.

She looks up, pulling the sleeve of her red, oversized flannel back over her shoulder from where it had slipped. And stops.

“Wow,” Axac says, voicing her thoughts.

The house was elaborately decorated. Gold and red glass candle lanterns were hanging down from the ceiling, the white curtains were replaced with thick red ones, ordained with gold. The walls were covered with Axac and Keira’s ink paintings of flowers and the countryside, framed by sleek, dark wood.

“Do you like it?” Ryo says, excited. “We’re keeping the paintings there, by the way.”

“We do like it,” Axac says. Keira nods in response. Usually they just hung a bunch of banners and paper lamps.

“Did you do this yourself?” Keira asks, looking up at the lamps. They were so much prettier than paper ones. And it was better for the environment. Lainey would love that.

“Well…” says Ryo. Distantly, Keira hears footsteps.

“Hey, you guys,” says a warm voice, and Keira and Axac look up in excitement.

“Shiro?” Keira says, her voice breaking, as Axac flies into her arms. Shiro laughs, pulls Keira in as well.

“But what about Kerberos?” Keira asks, later, when they’re sitting around the countertop making spritz cookies together.

“They’re letting me stay, for a week. I’ll just about get you two dressed in your hanboks for facebook and then I’ll be off,” Shiro explains, adding flour in slowly as Axac mixes the dough. “I think they felt bad because they took away my holiday vacation.”

Keira scowls. “They _should_ feel bad.”

Shiro laughs. Notices Axac struggling with the dough.

“Axac, I can mix it for you-”

“No, Shiro, I got this-”

“-Really? Because that consistency does _not_ look correct-”

“-Shiro, I swear to god, stop micromanaging me.”

Shiro takes the bowl.

…

“So, tell us about Scotland,” Keira’s dad says later, over dinner. They’re eating gamjatang, Shiro’s favorite.

“Um,” Shiro says, “Well, there’s not really much to tell. Maddie and Dr. Holt do all the chemistry and physics stuff, I’m just talking to companies and trying to get a patent.”

“Well if it’s so boring, why’d you have to go?” Keira says, a little meanly. Across the table, she can hear Ryo groan and see Axac roll his eyes, but her gaze doesn’t waver from Shiro.

Shiro, like usual, barely reacts. “Well. Patent work is always boring, you know. And I’m having a lot of fun, not to mention the work is pretty important, scientifically.”

Keira stabs a potato with her fork.

“So!” Ryo claps her hands, loudly. “Are we gonna have a celebratory dinner? What about tomorrow night? Thank god we don’t have to invite Addison anymore.”

Keira sees the way Shiro’s mouth goes thin, at that.

“Why don’t we just have a family night?” Shiro suggests. “Everyone I love most in the world is right here.”

She reaches over, grabs Keira’s dad’s hand with one of her own and Ryo’s with the other.

“Aww,” Keira’s dad says. “How sweet. I guess that means no Lainey or Raimon.”

“Who?” Shiro’s brow furrows. “Wait, Lainey McClain? Pidge’s friend? Who’s Raimon?”

The doorbell rings. Keira stands up so suddenly the chair moves backwards with a screech.

“I’ll get that,” Keira says, rushed, and practically runs to the door.

Her heart drops to her stomach when she sees who it is.

Fuck. Addison.

She’s wearing a green peacoat, a fluffy white scarf wrapped around her neck. “Keira,” she says, placidly. Smiles like she’s having trouble doing so. Her eyes are cold.

“Ms. Wright,” Keira responds. “Is there something you needed?”

“Yes, actually,” Addison says, staring distantly past Keira’s shoulder. Keira’s chest goes cold. She’s looking for Shiro.

Keira steps out, closes the door behind her. Addison blinks, as if surprised. “We can talk out here,” Keira says, politely. She crosses her arms over her chest. She doesn’t really know what to think, these days, when she sees Addison. Half of her thinks that Addison is right, she is a victim, in her own way. The other half of her has started to pay attention to the things Ryo’s been saying, to the bad gut feelings Keira would get around her.

“Oh,” Addison says, pulling up into a smile again. “Quite.”

Keira ticks up an eyebrow. “So? What?”

“I-”

The door opens. “You hadn’t come back for a while, so I thought I’d-” Shiro’s voice dies down, her eyes widen and normal again. “Addison,” she says.

“Takako,” Addison responds, smoothly. Her eyes take Shiro in, the open collar of Shiro’s black shirt, her thighs under her gray jeans.

“What’s…” Shiro swallows, her lashes flutter. “What’s going on here?”

“Keira and I were just discussing something… private,” Addison says, and Keira notices that Addison’s suddenly standing very close to her. She can almost feel her breath on her ear.

“What?” Shiro’s confused. “I’m her sister, she can tell me.”

“Well if you _must_ know,” Addison says, with no hesitation, “Keira’s in love with me.”

“ _What?”_ Shiro asks, sharply, and now she’s glaring at Keira. Keira’s eyes widen in alarm.

“Wait, no-” Keira’s protesting, but Addison’s already started to speak again.

“Yes. She sent me a love letter and everything. It was very charming.”

Shiro takes a deep breath in, gaze boring into Keira. She turns around.

“Shiro-” Keira starts, but Shiro’s already slammed the door shut.

It’s silent, for a moment, before Addison starts, amused. “Well. That was dramatic.”

Keira whirls around, shoves Addison in the chest.

“You know what? Fuck you. _Fuck you_ ,” she seethes.

Addison stumbles, alarmed. “Pardon?”

“First of all, screw you for taking advantage of me. Screw you for learning my true feelings, a _teenager’s_ true feelings for you, and immediately jumping to manipulation,” Keira starts, angry.

“What are you talking-”

“You think I wouldn’t know?” Keira cries. “You think I’d be so obsessed with you that I wouldn’t realize what was happening here? That you literally _just_ used me to hurt Shiro?”

Addison blinks, stunned.

“You think we don’t know how shitty to Shiro you were? How you fucking- fucking _gaslighted_ her all the fucking time? How you never made her feel important? How you never made her feel _loved_ ?” Keira’s angry, only getting angrier. She lets the emotion build up, the hurt and the upset and all the uneasy feelings she had ever felt around Addison. From when Addison insulted her and her feelings. From when Addison took her sister’s heart and shattered it on their driveway. How she’d _abandoned_ Shiro, made her go to Scotland alone.

“You know you were like family to us?” Keira yells, her voice breaking. “When my mom died, I didn’t have anyone except Shiro and Ryo and _you_ . We were always there for you. We’d always planned on being there for you. But that was- _before_ whatever made you become like- like _this_ , mean and- and vengeful and manipulative and elitist. Before you decided to insult Shiro and Lainey and everyone else I’ve ever loved.”

Addison’s eyebrows narrow. “Now, listen, Keira-”

“Fuck off!” Keira screams. “Go the fuck away!”

“Keira, I never meant-”

“Ms. Wright. _Go. Home_ ,” Keira says, one last time, voice ragged, and slams the door behind her.

…

“I heard all of that,” is the first thing her father says when she enters the house. Keira blinks. He grins, shakes his purple hair, dyed with Axac when he’d been twelve and kept for the past six years. “And I’m proud of you.”

Keira takes a deep, shaky breath and lets out a deep, shaky exhale. Her dad says, “Oh, come here,” and Keira realizes that she’s crying. She buries her face in the safety of her father’s embrace and cries.

When she’s done, the anger and the hurt and the sadness giving away to exhaustion, her dad kisses her on her forehead and murmurs, “We’re definitely getting a dog now.”

“Hey kiddo,” she hears. Looks up. Ryo’s standing at the base of the stairs, beckons her up with the flick of her head. “Come on up.”

“Did you hear?” Keira asks mournfully, taking her steps two at a time to keep up with Ryo.

Ryo snorts. “Kind of. You’re fucking loud, girl.”

Keira’s face heats.

Ryo walks into her and Shiro’s shared room. There were enough rooms in the house for both of them, but due to their living situations elsewhere in the past, they opted to share a room for convenience.

Keira leans against the doorframe. Shiro’s sitting on the bed, staring downwards. Keira knocks. Shiro looks over, and quickly looks back when she sees who it is. Keira notices there’s something on her lap- her phone.

“Can I come in…?” Keira asks, softly.

“Yeah,” Shiro motions to the side of her that wasn’t being cuddled by Ryo. “I mean, we better talk.”

“Yeah,” Keira says, sitting rigidly on her sister’s bed.

“So.”

Keira nods.

“You were pretty loud out there.”

Keira groans, embarrassed. Buries her red face in her hands. “I fucking know, okay?”

“I’m pretty sure the neighbors heard,” Shiro says, mirth in her voice. “Well, maybe not what you were saying, but they definitely picked up on your anger.”

Keira groans, falls to the side. Lands on Shiro’s pillowy bed with a thump.

“Hey,” Shiro says softly. “I… I really, _really_ hate to ask this, but… you haven’t been… _seeing_ Addison, have you?”

Keira jerks up. She doesn’t know whether she’s alarmed, offended, or weirded out.

“No!” she exclaims. “I could _never_ do that to you!”

“Good, because…” Shiro’s face is scrunching up, going pink, her eyes watery the way they are before she starts to cry, “Because. It isn’t even that, that I used to love her, it’s that. You’re only _eighteen_ , and she’s almost _thirty_ , Keira, and- and I was just so scared for a second, that you’d gotten yourself into a situation like- like-”

“Shiro no,” Keira says, hugging her sister. “Thank you for being so worried about me,” she says, muffled into Shiro’s shoulder.

“Of _course_ I’d be. I love you, Keira,” Shiro says, and Keira can tell she’s crying. Shiro only cried during movies, books, and video games, or when something really intense was happening in her own life. When she did cry, though, she was like a broken faucet put on its highest intensity; she cried a _lot_ , and you just couldn’t stop her.

“You’re such a sap,” Keira says, grinning.

“Shut up,” Shiro laughs, embarrassed, wipes away her damp tears.

“Are we okay?” Keira asks. Shiro jerks her arm away from her face.

“ _Hell_ no. I’m not mad at you, but you have a shit ton of explaining to do.” Ryo nods along, a serious expression on her face.

So Keira explains. Keira explains the letters, how she wrote to cope with her feelings in a placid way the way her mom taught her to, and how she wrote the letters to cope with her romantic feelings because she had no idea how to deal with them, otherwise. She explains how she’d had feelings for Addison, fake, idol-worship type feelings for her, and how she’d panicked when the letters had somehow been sent out right after they’d broken up. How she and Lainey had signed a contract to fake a relationship. How Addison had treated her, once she’d found out the truth. How the feelings for Lainey had turned real.

Shiro listens to Keira’s explanation with an increasingly exasperated expression on her face. When Keira’s done, she turns to Ryo and says, “Fucking high school.”

Ryo, on the other hand, is flabbergasted. “You guys were _faking_ a relationship? Fucking- _Why_?”

“Were you not listening?” Keira responds, frustrated. “I just fucking told you why!”

“It was _fake_?” Ryo repeats, stupefied.

Shiro sighs. “Keira, I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me that all this was happening in the first place.”

“I just…” Keira plays with the purple nail polish that Lainey had painted on, saying that she thought Keira would look amazing with it on. “I-... You had just broken up, I… I thought you’d hate me, or something.”

“Keira,” Shiro says, stern but loving. “I could _never_ hate you. But. When I heard what Addy said, I’d… I dunno, I thought you’d… like, slept together, or that you were involved in something you maybe couldn’t control…”

Keira’s uncomfortable. “ _No_. Again, I could never do that to you. And also… like, even when I did have like, a surface level crush- because that’s all it ever was- I knew it was, um. You know. Inappropriate. It was just a fantasy.”

Shiro smiles, but it’s not reassured. “I- You wouldn’t even skype with me, though. What was I supposed to think?”

Keira flicks paint off her thumbnail. “I wouldn’t skype with you because I was lying to everyone else in my life. And I just- I couldn’t lie to you, too,” she says, carefully.

“Oh, Keira,” Shiro scooches so her back is hitting the headboard. Wraps an arm around Ryo’s waist and pulls her to her side, wraps an arm around Keira’s head and tucks it under her chin. “I love you guys.”

Keira hears another knock, looks up. It’s Axac, standing poutily in the doorway.

“Do you want to join us?” Shiro asks, laughter in her voice. “Or are you going to stand there by yourself?”

Axac climbs onto the bed, lies straight and stiff with his head on Shiro’s stomach. He intertwines his fingers and rests them on his stomach contemplatively. Shiro laughs. “You look stupid.”

“Your hair’s stupid.”

“ _My_ hair’s stupid?” Shiro says, incredulous. She softens. “Guys… there’s something I have to apologize for, too.”

“What?” says Ryo. “Did you do drugs for the first time and didn’t get it on camera thus depriving us of that experience?”

“No,” says Shiro, rolling her eyes. “I will go to the grave proudly having done less drugs than my little brother.”

“Hey!”

“No, it’s…” Shiro’s face twists thoughtfully. “Scotland. It was a surprise to everybody, and it was a little insensitive of me to spring that on you guys like that.”

Keira lifts her head. “Ha! You admit it!”

Ryo rolls her eyes, but Shiro just smiles. It melts away, though.

“Um, I just.” she takes a deep breath. “I know… to you guys, the breakup seemed like kind of a shock, but really… it was a long time coming.”

Ryo snorts. “You can say _that_ again.” When Axac and Keira glare at her, she puts her hands up. “Sorry, sorry.”

Shiro petted Ryo’s head in response. “Addy and I… we were really strong, for the first couple of years, you know? But somewhere in there, it started to get kind of… tiring, really. We started snapping at each other. We weren’t there for each other. We didn’t _tell_ each other anything.”

Shiro looks down, into the hair whorl of Axac’s purple head. “She, um. She cheated on me. A couple times.”

Ryo gasps, Axac jolts upright. Keira smacks the headboard.

“What?”

“Did she really?”

“Holy shit, Shiro!”

Shiro nodded, biting her lip. “It was then that I decided, like… I needed to try harder, if I was going to keep her in my life. I needed to be there for her. So I tried, but it just… it was so _exhausting_ , trying and _trying_ and giving her love because I loved her! I really was, I was in love with her! And I would just get... nothing back at best, negativity back at worst.”

Ryo rubs her back, consolingly, as Shiro’s cheeks go pink. “And I just felt like… like nothing I was doing mattered, like _I_ didn’t matter and I was so, _so_ fucking _tired…_ ”

Shiro digs the heels of her palms into her eyes, her knees bending upwards. Her siblings sit around her, patting her back and murmuring soothing phrases and noises.

Shiro sniffs, once, and sits upright again. “Anyways. I figured that a change of pace would be great. I actually talked about it with Addy, a couple times. Like, ‘would you like to go to Scotland with me for a year, teach at a Catholic private school and get paid in pounds’ and stuff. And. I mean, I guess she seemed really noncommittal. Like she didn’t think I was being serious, maybe. But I didn’t know for sure until she broke up with me.”

“ _Shiro_ ,” wails Ryo, wrapping her arms around her sister’s neck and squeezing. Keira joins her, winding her own arms around Shiro’s shoulders. Axac settles himself back onto Shiro’s stomach.

“Anyways, that’s why I moved to Scotland. Well, that and the Garrison is paying me a shitload of money,” Shiro laughs.

“But… Shiro,” Keira asks, “Are you… okay, now?”

Shiro nods, slowly and then self-assuredly. “I mean, at first… I was really angry, you know? I was really mad because I felt like I had tried my hardest and in the end I wasn’t good enough. And I loved her _so_ much, too, which… probably didn’t help. But then the more time I spent alone, the more time away from her, the more I felt… relieved. Free. God, I felt- _feel_ so fucking free, you have no idea.”

“And that’s on toxic relationships,” Ryo says.

Shiro shakes her head. “No, no. Our relationship wasn’t toxic at all… well, aside from the cheating, and whatever the fuck just happened with Keira.”

Keira winces.

“I know it seemed like she made me feel unloved but it’s like… well, she did, but not on purpose, you know? It’s really just that she wasn’t in love with me anymore. She had her toxic traits, but I do too- everyone does. Our relationship had its goods and bads. It wasn’t toxic and I don’t regret it,” says Shiro, with some finality.

Ryo rolls her eyes. “Whatever. We get it, you’re so mature. She was still a toxic person. I hated her.”

“We know,” Axac says, shaking his head in annoyance. Ryo flicks him on the forehead.

“ _Well_ ,” Shiro says, after a loud exhale. “Is there anything else we need to put out into the universe?”

“Actually…” Axac lifts his head guiltily, turning around so he was facing his sisters. “I have, um. Something to confess.”

He scratches the back of his head and looks down, as his sisters smile at him without judgement. “I, uh. I sent Keira’s love letters.”

Ryo and Shiro’s eyes widen, their heads whip in alarm to Keira, who blinks and says, casually, “I’m going to fucking kill you.”

“ _Fuck-_ ” Axac yells when Keira launches at him.

“No! _Keira, no_!”

“I’m going to _skin you alive_ ,” Keira screeches as Shiro holds her back by her waist. “ _I’m gonna stick your head on a fucking spike!_ ”

“Keira, wait!” Ryo shouts. “He’s just a dumbass!”

“It’s just,” Axac sobs, picking up a chair and holding it out in front of him like a shield as Ryo and Shiro held her back with all their strength, “You were so lonely! And I could tell Lainey liked you!”

“So you sent _all five of them_?” Keira shouts.

“I thought five chances at a girlfriend was better than one!” Axac cries, screaming when Keira breaks free of their sister’s hold.

“Oh my god,” Ryo says in horror.

“I’m gonna take you where no one can hear you scream,” Keira laughs, maniacally.

“Nope! Just, nope. I’m done with this,” Shiro says, picking Keira up and hoisting her over her shoulder. “Please don’t kill our brother.”

Axac locks himself in the closet. “I miss having her over for dinner,” he says, his voice muffled by the door.

“Keira,” Shiro barks, setting her down and placing her hands firmly on her shoulders, “before you murder him, can I just ask you one thing? If you really didn’t want those letters to be sent, why the hell did you address them?”

Keira sighs, the aggression draining out of her.

“Can part of you maybe just admit that you don’t want everything good in your life to be a fantasy?” Shiro continues.

Keira sniffs. “Whatever.”

Ryo sighs. “Kid, if Shiro can forgive you for writing a love letter to her girlfriend, can you maybe forgive Axac for sending them out?”

Keira sniffs again. “...Whatever.”

“Oh thank god,” Axac says, poking his head out of the closet. “I was really hoping to try shrooms one day.”

“On second thought, keep him in there,” says Ryo, annoyed, and laughing, the girls try to shove their squawking brother back into the closet.

Later, when they’re heading off to bed, Keira whispers in his ear, “Sleep with one eye open, bitch.”

…

“Wow, she did that?” Alor says, washing grapes.

Keira nods. “It was really weird. And uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, god,” Alor says, in disbelief. “That’s kinda… goodness. And Shiro was all like, ‘she’s not toxic’?”

Keira nods.

“How the- Why does this woman still have her teaching license,” Alor shakes his head.

“Maybe she just got caught up in the moment,” Keira shrugs. “Shiro was her first love, I guess.”

“ _Still_ ,” Alor says, giving her a look.

Keira’s phone rings. She puts the knife she was using to chop cheese into tiny pieces down and grabs it. It’s Lainey, on facetime.

Alor looks over. “You’re not gonna answer it?”

Keira shrugs, minutely. “I mean. Um. I’ve kind of been avoiding her.”

Alor furrows his brows. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” Keira says, defensive. “She just. I dunno... Lorraine told me that the night after we made out in the hot tub, Lainey went to her room.”

Alor sighs. “Galra, I swear to god. They’re all the fucking same.”

“Dad is literally employed in an offshoot of Galra,” Keira reminds him.

He waves a dismissive hand. “Doesn’t count, they’re going against the whole industrial empire thing. They’re cool. Anyways, why is this bothering you so much?”

“Well, I don’t know, maybe it’s because they could’ve done _anything_ while she was there?” Keira says, frustrated. “They could’ve… they could’ve like, professed their love for each other, or had sex, or- or _something_ ,” Keira says.

“Wait,” Alor says, furrowing his eyebrows. “You mean you haven’t _asked_ Lainey what she was doing there?”

“...No?” Keira says. She rubs her upper arm.

Alor shakes his head. “Keira, the first rule of relationships is communication. The second rule is trust. You seem to be lacking in both areas as of right now.”

“How am I supposed to ask her, Alor?” Keira asks. “Oh hey, Lainey, I just want to know if you’re cheating on me?”

Alor rolls his eyes. “Keira. Just ask her why she was there.”

“Keira!” they hear, suddenly, and they both jolt. It’s Lainey. She’s at the end of _Castleview_ ’s driveway. She’s in a cropped baseball tee, tiny denim shorts, and her green and white letterman jacket. Her hair’s in a messy, low bun. It’s her signature outfit. She looks fucking adorable.

“Yes?” Keira calls back, can’t help the smile that’s breaking out on her face.

Lainey runs up to them. Keira and Alor are getting snacks ready in the garden so the seniors can have a tea party outside. It’s an uncharacteristically hot and sunny day, for February in Oregon.

“Hi baby,” says Lainey, breathless, grabbing onto the edge of the table and looking right at Keira, forcing her to stare into those starry eyes. “Sorry, I called you to warn you I was coming over. We haven’t talked in _so_ long. I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Keira finds herself saying. She can’t stop smiling. “I’m sorry, I’ve been busy.”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad,” Lainey says, giddy. She’s shifting from one foot to another, excited. Keira wants to squish her cheeks together and pepper kisses all over her face. She wants to kiss her eyebrows and her nose and those pink, glossy lips. “I just miss you a lot.”

“I miss you too,” Keira says again, stupidly, and Lainey giggles,

“Can I have a kiss?” she asks. Keira nods, and Lainey slots their lips together. Keira can smell warm vanilla, can feel the softness of Lainey’s lips and chin. It tingles where they touch. Keira wants to go deeper, drag her mouth over all the hidden parts of Lainey’s body.

Lainey pulls away and Keira’s head is woozy with affection and arousal.

“I have to go,” Lainey says, apologetically, “It’s my turn to make dinner tonight. But I lo- I miss you a lot.”

“Me too,” Keira says, lips tingling.

Lainey stays for a quick second, kisses Keira again fast on the lips, and then runs away to get into her stupid Rubicon.

“Wow,” Alor says, amazed. “You’re fucking whipped.”

“Shut up.”

Alor places the bowl of grapes carefully on the table in front of him. He asks, “...Do you really want to let go of that? Of her?”

Keira snaps out of her dreamy haze, looks down at her knife and the cheese she was cutting.

“Why can’t you just tell her that you like her?” Alor asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

“But what if I…” Keira swallows. “What if I lose her? To Lorraine? To… anyone else?”

“Then you lose her,” Alor says gently. “Keira, you can’t be so afraid of loss that you don’t allow yourself to let wonderful people into your life. You’ve got to be brave, tell people how you feel. You can’t just sit up in your room writing love letters you’re never going to send.”

Keira looks up at him. He’s smiling, softly. Looks over at Lainey, who’s made it to her car.

“She drove all the way here, from practice, just to tell you that she’s missed you,” Alor muses. “That means it’s your turn.”

Keira blinks at him, then grins, slowly. Maybe… maybe Alor was right, about this.

“Hey! Lainey!”

She looks up from where she’s standing on the ledge of her unnecessarily tall Rubicon. “Yeah?”

“Do you want to come over and do our double feature on Friday?” she calls.

Even from where she stands, she can see the shine of Lainey’s smile. “Yes!”

Keira smiles back.

…

“God, this movie is so creepy,” Lainey giggles around her popcorn. Weed made her hungry, and the dying joint sat on the tiny ceramic plate in the middle of Keira’s coffee table. “And fucking- Samantha was right. Who the fuck gets married on your sister’s fucking sixteenth birthday? What’s the fucking matter with… Fuck, what’s her name. Gabby? Ginny?”

Keira’s laughing, shoulders shaking, face pressed into Lainey’s neck and collarbone. “I get- I know what you’re saying, but. Molly Ringwald, come on!”

Lainey guffaws, and the action just makes Keira laugh harder. “I’m sorry, she is _not_ attractive.”

“Okay- I’m sorry, she’s not hot in this movie. But you have to see her in _The Breakfast Club_. She’s fucking gorgeous,” Keira promises.

Lainey scoffs, disbelieving. “Whatever. I’m just sorry you can’t experience the throes of bisexuality- Jake Ryan is _hot_ . Just. _Look_ at his ass.”

Keira scrunches her nose, curls up closer into Lainey’s warmth. “Ew.”

Lainey drapes an arm around her. Her thumb finds the sliver of skin, underneath the bottom of her red tank top but above the beginning of her blue jeans.

On screen, Jake Ryan says, “Happy birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.”

And Samantha replies, “But it already came true.”

Keira tilts her head up, watches Lainey. Looks at her warm brown eyes, her cute little nose. Her freckles, her warm skin. The way her satin hair spills everywhere. The line of her jaw.

Keira reaches up, takes Lainey’s face in her hands. Lainey looks down, questioningly; it allows Keira to worm her other hand between them and cup her other cheek. Her thumbs trace the bags beneath her eyes, the bridge of her nose. The soft bow of her lips, the corner of her eyebrows. Her thumbs press onto her bottom lip, edge inwards.

“Can I kiss you…” Keira murmurs, and Lainey nods, eyes hooded, presses their lips together sloppily. Keira keeps her eyes open, slightly, watches the way Lainey relaxes with the touch of her mouth.

Keira shifts. She’s wet, wants Lainey on her everywhere.

But-

“Lainey,” Keira whispers. “I think we need to talk.”

“Hmm…?” Lainey questions, burying her face and kissing sweetly at the line of Keira’s neck.

“ _Mmph-_ Lainey,” Keira moans, squirming, clutching onto Lainey’s hair, not knowing whether to push her in or pull her away. “Lainey, we gotta- Lorraine, we gotta talk about Lorraine.”

It grabs Lainey’s attention. “What?”

“Um,” Keira’s squirming, again, but it’s for a different reason, now. “Just, uh. She told me something, and, um. I wanted to… talk about it.”

“Oh. Okay,” says Lainey. Confused, but not mad. Good start. “We can- Yeah, totally, we can talk about whatever.”

“She told me…” Keira says, looking away slightly. “Um. That night, when we told each other… that we liked each other. In the hot tub? Uh, she told me that after, you went to her room…”

Lainey’s looking at her blankly, no emotion on her face. “Are you mad?” she asks, carefully.

Keira shakes her head, stretches her fingers where they’re dug into Lainey’s shoulders. “No. I- I was told trust was important in relationships, and… I like you. I care about you. You mean a lot to me. So I’m… I’m choosing to trust you, too. If you went to Lorraine’s room that night, I trust you had a good reason to. I would just like to know, just for me. So I don’t go crazy.” she pauses. “You don’t have to tell me.”

Lainey’s grinning, her eyes are shining. “Say it again.”

“Say what again?”

“That you like me.”

Keira flushes deeper. Buries her face in her palm. Says, muffled, “...I like you.”

“I can’t hear you,” Lainey murmurs, pressing her nose and lips to the juncture of Keira’s cheek and ear. She sucks at Keira’s jaw. “Say it again, baby.”

Keira’s breath quickens, “I like you, Lainey.”

Lainey breaks away again. “I did go to Lorraine’s room that night.”

Keira feels her heart sink. “Oh…?”

“I went to tell her that it was over, between us. Officially. That even if you decided you didn’t like me, I wasn’t going to go back to her. That on and off thing between us… I told her it’s officially done.”

It’s Keira’s turn to grin. “Oh.”

Lainey laughs. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” she looks up at Lainey. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Of course,” Lainey hums. Her breath tickles the sides of Keira’s face. Keira’s eyes drift towards her lips and they’re kissing again.

“Keira,” Lainey mutters against her mouth.

“Hmm,” Keira breathes gustily outward, pulling gently on Lainey’s lips.

“Keira, I wanna… I want to say something, too,” breathes Lainey.

“Yeah?” Keira blinks up at her.

“Um,” says Lainey, blushing, slightly. “So, since we like each other, do you… maybe wanna go out? Like, officially?” she waits, bated breath. “Um, as girlfriends?”

Keira feels her breath catch in her throat. “Girlfriends?”

“Yeah.”

“Yes,” Keira says, too fast. “Yes, I wanna be your girlfriend.”

“Good,” Lainey says, looking relieved. “Because I wanna be your girlfriend, too.”

The breath catches in her throat and Keira feels something in her chest, growing, coiling, expanding. “Kiss me,” she breathes, latches back onto Lainey, straddles her lap. Lainey kisses her back, sucks at her lips and clutches at her waist, thumbs tracing along her bare skin.

“I like you,” she says between kisses, pressing her lips to Keira’s neck, behind her ear. “I really like you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really recommend listening to the All The Boys I've Loved Before playlist on spotify. The first movie makes me _sob _. The soundtrack is pretty good.__


	3. Always and Forever, Keira

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this fic because it gave me an excuse to basically write a love letter to Portland. I didn't grow up in Portland, but I did grow up in the Pacific Northwest, close enough away that we'd go down all the time. Ten bucks to whoever can guess what city I'm from.

_“When I’m old and gray, I will look back on this night, and I will remember it just as it was. Is. We’re still here. It’s not the future yet.”_

//

Chinese new year is held in Chinatown, for obvious reasons. The festival stretches for two weeks, with dancers, lanterns, and foods still in constant production during that time. It’s more of a tourist trap than a genuine celebration of the lunar new year, as is every commercial holiday. Keira goes every year, went practically every day before she got into highschool and had to start paying attention to school.

It’s the last day of the festival. Keira wanted to take Lainey today. The last day was always special.

“Dad? Axac?” she pokes her head into the living room. “I look good, right?”

Keira comes out, twirls. She’s wearing a red, satin, square neck top with puffy sleeves, skin tight jeans, heeled boots. She’s got on a white fur coat that reaches to her knees. It looks like that wrap Sharon Stone wore in _Casino-_ you know, the one she wore with that white and orange chevron dress, and that looked alarmingly like real ermine skin.

“You look beautiful, dear,” responds her dad, kindly.

Axac rolls his eyes. “Duh.”

Keira grins. “Thanks.”

She regards herself in the mirror. She knows she’s a bit dressed up for a festival, but. She can’t help it. It’s her first date.

You know. As someone’s girlfriend.

 _Girlfriend_ . God. Her face grows warm, her heart ties in a knot. She’d never been in a relationship before, had never been someone’s _girlfriend_. People had always stayed away from that, with her- she came off as too aggressive, or something. And it honestly wasn’t like she’d ever sook a relationship out before, either, too afraid of commitment and loss. And too lazy, honestly, some relationships and partners seemed like a lot of work.

Keira’s heart jumps at the sound of the doorbell and grins. Not Lainey, though. Lainey was… everything _but_ that.

“Hi,” Lainey says, when she opens the door. Pauses, looks Keira up and down.

Keira takes in Lainey’s appearance. She’s got a lot of makeup on, much more than her typical concealer-gloss-mascara combination, her face shimmering with glitter in the warm light of the doorstep, and it looks amazing. She looks… sacred, almost, as if some higher power had dipped her in a vat of gold dust to show the world how celestial and divine she truly was. She’s got on a navy blue top underneath a brown, oversized bomber. It looks cozy and worn in, the warmth of the brown matching the warmth of her skin and her personality. Keira can tell the shirt underneath is off the shoulder. She wants to trace the line of the top with her fingers.

“Um, I bought you something,” Lainey says, hands her a pot with an orchid. Keira blinks. “I was gonna get you a bouquet but I only had twenty dollars on me and bouquets are like, forty dollars, which I didn’t know. I’m really sorry, I hope you still like it.”

“Of course I like it,” Keira says, placing it on the table next to the doorway. “Also, orchids are Axac’s favorite flower, so. We won’t let it die.”

Lainey grins, relieved. Drags her eyes over her body and face again. “You’re really- you look really pretty.”

“Thanks,” Keira says, grinning and blushing into her new flower pot. “You do, too. You look amazing.”

Lainey smiles, stands up on her toes and rocks back and forth. Runs a tongue along her teeth. Bends slightly at the waist, looks over at Axac and Keira’s dad.

“Hi guys,” she calls.

“Hey, Lainey,” says Keira’s dad.

“You look great, Lainey!” Axac shouts.

“Have fun. Keira doesn’t have a curfew, but I usually go to sleep at eleven, so maybe aim for earlier than that,” Keira’s dad suggests in a way that means he’s not suggesting.

Lainey salutes. “Yes, sir!”

Keira finishes fussing with the plant. Holds her hand out for Lainey to take. “Ready to go?”

Lainey grins, interlaces their fingers. Kisses Keira on the cheek. “Yep.”

“Bye, guys!” Keira calls, closing the door behind her. Keira feels the warmth of Lainey’s body pressed against her own as they walk, hands swinging, to Lainey’s stupid Rubicon. Keira stops, holds out her palm.

“I’m driving, remember?”

Lainey winces, reaches into her jacket. “Um. Okay, but please be careful. I’ve seen you drive and my car’s my baby.”

Keira rolls her eyes, snorts. At least if she crashed the car, the world would be saved from having to see such an eyesore. “You’ll be fine.”

Lainey just watches her, apprehensive. Keira rolls her eyes again, snaps her fingers. “Lainey! You don’t even know where we’re going!”

Lainey gives her the keys, finally. “I mean. That’s true.”

They drive to Chinatown. Lainey worms her fingers between hers while they drive, sings along loudly to the songs on the radio. Keira watches the way her face transforms with wonder under the lights hanging off the Chinatown gate and the paper dragon sculpture that greeted them when they drove past the entrance. They park really far away since the street is so crowded, but Keira doesn’t mind the walk. She takes her coat off, quickly realizing that it’s much too warm for fur. She folds it neatly across a forearm, reaches for Lainey with her other one. Lainey’s hand remains in hers as Keira tells Lainey about the festival.

“My mom used to take me,” she says, hushed. “Then Shiro and Ryo, and last year, just me, my dad, and Axac went. It was a really special night. We’ve all gone already, so I wanted to take you.”

“I’ve been,” Lainey answers, “But like, only a couple times, when I was really young.” She looks at Keira, softly. “Thanks for sharing this with me. I mean, I know this is super important to you, so I’m really glad.”

“Of course.” Keira waits a beat. “I mean, it’s our first date. I wanted it to be special.”

Lainey grins. Brings their interlocked hands up to her mouth and kisses Keira’s knuckles, which have grown pink from the cold. “If it’s you, it’s gonna be special.”

Keira rolls her eyes, but her face and ears burn. “You know what I meant, you sap.”

“Yeah, I did,” Lainey responds, laughing. “And it is. Special.”

Lainey insists on pictures under the gate, for her instagram. They hand their phones off to a mom, who leaves her kids to be wrangled by her husband. Keira’s trying to smile at the camera when she starts to take the pictures, but she feels Lainey’s face watching her after a little bit so she turns. Lainey’s face is illuminated in a red glow. She’s watching her. Her face looks open, soft, and her eyes sparkle.

Lainey kisses her, a hand coming up to cup her face. Her mouth is firm and sweet, and sends warmth throughout Keira’s body when she opens their mouths to furl her tongue into Keira, just for a split second before she’s backing up, kissing Keira’s lips again and pulling away.

Keira’s not sure what lovestruck look she’s wearing when Lainey finally breaks free. When they go to get their phones, the mom is giving them a kind smile and says, “You two are such a cute couple. You kids have fun, okay?”

They thank her. Keira pulls Lainey towards the different stalls that stand around them. One stall offers to engrave their names onto rice necklaces. Another one offers ink portraits. Keira talks to the guy there, manages a couple of phrases in Mandarin that Ryo had taught her.

“I didn’t know you knew Chinese,” Lainey says when Keira’s done chatting.

“I don’t, really.” She’s trying to learn. Honestly, her social skills were so barren that if it wasn’t for the guy’s Mandarin, she wouldn’t have talked to him. “I want to, though.”

Lainey grins. “You’re so fucking cool, dude. Seriously, is there anything you can’t do?”

Keira smiles at the ground. “Yeah, okay.”

“I’m being legit!” Lainey says with a laugh. “You know everyone at school is super intimidated by you? I mean, sure it might be because you’re like, goth or something,”

“I’m not- Am I goth? I just really like dark clothes,” Keira says, horrified.

“But you’re also like, super smart and talented and stuff,” Lainey continues, unperturbed. “Like, when I first told people we were dating, everyone was like, ‘whaat? No way! You’re too dumb for her!’ and I was like, I know, right? Anyways. You’re super cool.”

Keira’s got a hand pressed to her mouth, trying to hold in her laughter. Lainey’s so cute. She’s so freaking cute.

“You’re cool, too,” Keira manages. “Like, how are you friends with _everybody_ ? And you’re good at every sport you do. _And_ you’re good at school. How do you have the energy for that?”

“Aw.” Lainey’s giving her a look, shy and affectionate. Keira slides up in front of her, wiggles her arms under Lainey’s jacket, wraps her arms around her waist. Lainey accepts the kisses she’s given and Keira revels in the feeling, the slow drag of Lainey’s mouth against hers, the warmth of her mouth. Lainey drags her teeth across her lips and Keira sinks further into Lainey, knees bending slightly. She feels lightheaded and Lainey slides a hand and buries it in her hair, cupping her scalp. Keira’s about ready to drop to her knees, the coat in her arms be damned, when Lainey’s pushed against her, a startled _oomph_ making its way out of her chest as a group of three laughing kids run past them, shoving Lainey in the process.

The kid at the head of the group, the tallest and probably oldest one judging by the way they yell, demands that the small, pudgy boy that knocked into Lainey give an apology. The kid does so, bowing so low that his hair, pulled by gravity, grazes the gravel of the road beneath them. Lainey, alarmed, pulls out some swedish fish and hands it to the kid, assuring him that he’s okay.

The kid grins, his chubby cheeks bunching. “Thank you!” he says, and the group runs off again, waving their sparklers in the sky and laughing. The oldest one has a novelty firework from where they’re being handed out to kids for free at a tent near the beginning of the festival. The kid places the firework in the street and runs back, arms out and shielding the other two as the firework goes off. The kids cover their ears, and Keira and Lainey watch as they shriek with laughter.

Keira looks at Lainey, whose face has gone gooey, her eyes watery. “They’re so cute,” Lainey says, voice wobbling. “I love children. They’re so freaking adorable.”

Keira laughs, surprised. She knew Lainey was a kid person, but. “Do you want a lot of kids?” Keira asks, shyly, holding out a hand for Lainey to take as they walk towards the food stalls. Lainey gives her a look, surprised. It melts away, turns into something wistful.

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, I do.”

Keira takes Lainey to the food section of the festival. They get hot chocolate, and Lainey laughs so hard she almost cries when Keira tells her about the time that, right before her twenty first birthday, Ryo had asked for whiskey in her hot chocolate and given the vendor Shiro’s ID, and, when it had worked, proceeded to get four more, and had thus become so drunk that she’d tried to climb a tree. They get an elephant ear to accompany their hot chocolate, but it’s shit. They don’t want to throw it away, though, so they tear away the bitten parts and give it to a homeless guy. Keira’s heart soars in excitement when Lainey asks what they should get next.

There’s a specific dish that has Keira extra excited. She’d had it here for the first time ever, with her mother, and ever since she’d died, Keira only ate it during the winter months. It was something special, something loaded with the memory of her mom.

She tells Lainey about it, but keeps the secret as to what it is, exactly. She pulls her along, Lainey’s hands clasped dramatically over her eyes. She stops in front of a tent, excited. Pokes at Lainey’s arm.

“You can look now.”

Lainey removes her hand, looks at the tent in front of her. The vendor smiles at them, places four pieces of fresh tangyuan in a little bowl.

“Oh!” Lainey exclaims. “Yeah, I know what this is!”

“Oh, really?” Keira asks, surprised. “Where’d you find out about it?”

Lainey grins, triumphantly and says, “I saw it in Naruto!”

In front of them, the vendor chokes.

“Um,” Keira starts, not knowing whether to encourage it or not, “What exactly… do you think this is?”

Lainey furrows her eyebrows, looks up. “Uh… Dango, right?”

The vendor snorts. Keira stifles a laugh.

“Um, no. That’s- that’s different.”

“Oh,” says Lainey. “What’s this, then?”

“This,” Keira says, excitement coursing through her veins again, “Is tangyuan. They’re sweet dumplings, with rice flour and sesame inside. You’re gonna love it.”

She buys four, has one while Lainey tries another. Lainey’s eyes go wide at the first bite.

“Mm!” she says. Keira laughs.

“I know, right?”

Lainey swallows. “It’s so good! I didn’t know sesame could taste like this!”

Keira grins, buys two more bowls as Lainey wolfs down the rest of the first one.

“Seriously, babe, I could have like, a million of these,” Lainey says around a mouthful. Keira snorts.

“Let’s go get some actual dinner, though,” she suggests.

They head over to a stall selling fried rice and spring rolls. It gets colder, Keira puts her jacket back on. They find some picnic benches and take a seat. Midway into their meal, music starts to play and acrobats come out, followed by dancers. Their leotards are red and decorated with gold thread. They’re all amazing. Lainey whoops encouragement for all of them.

At nine, pulse thrumming, Keira drags Lainey over to the Lan Su garden. The bridge and buildings leading up to the garden are adorned with red paper lanterns, and they glint off the dark water like golden fish. Lainey takes it all in with wide eyes. There’s a group closer to the water that have already begun the activity that Keira had been looking forwards to, the reason she’d brought Lainey today, of all days.

“The last day of Chinese new year is the lantern festival,” Keira explains, “So I wanted to bring you today, so we could send off lanterns together.”

There’s a dopey look on Lainey’s face. “That’s so romantic,” she says, “Like Rapunzel and Flynn Rider!”

Keira scrunches her nose. “Flynn Rider was so creepy.”

“Excuse me! You mean hot!”

Keira laughs at her girlfriend. At her _girlfriend_. God. “I meant creepy.”

They get to the group. It breaks off into families, groups of friends, other couples. There’s one large circle of children who read riddles off the lanterns to each other, trying to see who could get the correct answers.

A festival manager hands them some folded up kongming lanterns, some paint, and brushes. “All biodegradable,” she says with a wink.

They find a spot, lay out their lanterns, set down their paints. Keira explains the lanterns to Lainey. “They’re sky lanterns. They’re for wishes.”

“How’s it work?” Lainey asks, hooking a chin over Keira’s shoulder. Keira’s heart flutters at the action, she looks back just to kiss Lainey’s nose. She kisses Lainey’s lips, too, when Lainey gives her a look, presses their mouths together and breathes deeply.

They break away, and Keira smiles when Lainey does. “Okay, so,” Keira begins, dipping a bamboo brush into the ink, traces out their initials together like a middle schooler: _KK+LM_. “You write a wish and then you send it into the sky.”

“That’s not a wish,” Lainey says, breath tickling her neck. It’s electric, the way her breath gently blows at the hair on Keira’s neck. “It can’t be a wish. It’s happening right now.”

Keira stills. Places her brush down carefully next to the pot of ink.

Lainey backs away. “What?”

“Nothing,” Keira says, too quickly, to jovially. “There’s- nothing.”

“Keira,” gentle fingers run along her jaw, squeeze her chin, directing her head towards Lainey’s. “It’s okay, you can tell me.”

“I just,” Keira starts, gaze sliding away from the earnest look on Lainey’s face. “Um. I just… don’t want this to end.”

The gentle smile on Lainey’s face begins to slip. “You’re thinking about us ending. On our first date.”

Something twists in the pit of Keira’s stomach. “I mean… I don’t want it to, I just. I mean. I overthink, I guess.”

Lainey looks down, then into the distance, impassively. She gets so so guarded when she’s serious. Keira hates it, hates that she can’t tell how Lainey’s feeling when she gets like this. If she’s angry, sad, annoyed.

“Lane,” Keira says, softly. Grabs Lainey’s hand. Lainey looks back at her, but her face is blank. “Lainey. I’d- I’d really do anything, to keep you with me, my mind just runs away, and I overthink things, and I get worked up over-”

Lainey kisses her, grabs her cheek and presses, softly, into her. Keira’s heart feels like it’s expanding in her chest.

“Are you mad…?” Keira asks carefully, when she pulls away. Her hand is still on Keira’s face.

“No, it’s-” Lainey looks down, pulls her hand away. “It’s just, um. Lorraine was always threatening to break up with me, if, um. If I said something wrong, or behaved wrong, or. Whatever. She was always… she always made me feel like, um, I wasn’t enough. Or something. For her.”

“Lainey,” Keira says, shocked, scooting closer. “No, Lainey. You could never be- You’re not- if anything, I’m the one who wouldn’t be-” Keira cuts off, when Lainey whips her head up to look at her. “Lainey. You’re beautiful. You’re… you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t know why… I can’t even fathom the idea that _Lorraine_ was trying to imply that she’s _better_ than you. You’re- you’re better than all of us.”

“Keira,” Lainey says, her voice shaky. Keira looks down, embarrassed.

She feels a hand brush her bangs away, feels lips at her temple. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to _me_ ,” she hears Lainey rebuke.

Keira snorts. Clamps a hand over her mouth, tries not to laugh. Fails at Lainey’s befuddled expression. Lainey starts to smile, as Keira laughs harder.

“Hey,” she says, cupping Keira’s cheek when the laughter dies. “I’m clingy as fuck, okay? You’re stuck with me.”

Keira kisses her. “Good, ‘cause you’re stuck with me too.”

Lainey grins. They stand up, pull at the rim of the lantern, stretching it out together. A festival manager comes around, picking up ink pots and brushes, while another one comes around with a lighter.

“Careful of your hands,” she warns, and Keira and Lainey obediently step back. When the hot air begins to fill the Lantern, they walk over to the water and set it free.

Lainey wraps an arm around Keira’s waist. Keira rests her head on Lainey’s shoulder.

“I promise you, baby,” Lainey mutters into her hair. “I’m never gonna let you go.”

Keira looks up, kisses Lainey’s chin. It’s the only thing she can reach from this angle. “I promise you, too. I’ll never let you go.”

…

_I am a sculptor, a molder of form/ in every moment I shape an idol/ But then, in front of you, I melt them down_

“What are you doing?”

Keira jumps, hunches over her book. “Reading.”

Axac grabs the book from her hand. Keira scrambles up on the couch. “Axac-!”

“ _In this house of mud and water/ my heart has fallen to ruins,_ ” Axac reads aloud. Scoffs, rolls his eyes. “Your girlfriend has turned you into a sap.”

“Corinne gave this book to me,” Keira says, loudly. “I got it from Corinne. Not Lainey.”

Axac gives her a flat look. “Sure.”

Annoyance throbs in the back of her head. She pats down her red, v-neck sweater, worn over a white collared shirt and white tennis skirt, drop-waist style. Irritated, she climbs onto the back of the couch and jumps on her brother’s back.

“Wh-” Axac says, before falling to the ground, the book flying from his grasp. “Fucking- ow! What the hell, Keira!”

“Don’t take my fucking book from me!”

“Don’t fucking jump on me!”

“Kids!” their dad says, loudly. “Lainey’s here to drive you to school.”

They scramble upright, grabbing their bags and lunches. Keira shoves her book into her backpack. She’s making her way to the door, behind her brother, when Axac turns, suddenly. “Keira!” he says, insistently. “The polvorones!”

Keira’s eyes widen. Oh, shit. She had almost forgotten. She grabs the tupperware that was sitting on the island counter, places it gently above her bento box in her lunch bag.

It was Valentines day.

The process to find out what exactly to make for Lainey for valentines day, along with the process of actually making Lainey’s valentines day gift, had been unexpectedly difficult.

After the festival, Lainey had come home with her, and they’d watched some kids cartoon until Lainey had to go home. Axac watched it with them. Keira had Axac ask to borrow Lainey’s phone under the guise that his own had died. Axac had texted Lainey’s brother’s contact information to himself, and then, they had grilled Vincent on what Lainey’s favorite desserts were.

They were polvorones, which took them a full day to make. Ryo had invited Raimon over, however, to help with the baking, and it went much smoother and faster than it would’ve if he hadn’t been there. Axac and Keira kept shooting each other glances when the couple would do something romantic, though. Ryo kept insisting that they were “Casually dating”, whatever that meant.

Keira jumps into the car. Her hair is out, today, not tied in its signature ponytail, which is rare for her. Lainey’s hair falls against her shoulders too- also rare. She’s got on an oversized navy flannel that reaches below her denim shorts. It’s open, revealing a black tank top that sticks to her abs, her collar.

“Happy valentines day, babe,” she says, and Keira leans over to peck her on the cheek.

“I got you something,” she calls back to Axac, gives him a little mason jar full of chocolates.

“I was J-hoping you’d go out with me,” Axac reads, “ _And_ there’s a little picture of Hoseok Jung. Wow, Lainey, you really know the way into my heart.”

Keira glances at Lainey, who hums. She catches Keira looking at her and gives her a wink.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head,” she muses. “I’ve got something for you.”

Keira blinks. “You do?” she asks, apprehensively.

“Yes!” Lainey squawks. “Why do you sound scared?”

Axac laughs, Keira grins. “Well. You know.”

Lainey grumbles the whole way to school. Kisses her absentmindedly on the forehead when they get there.

“I’ve gotta go talk to Mr. Sablan about a calculus test,” she says. “Catch you later?”

Keira nods, she walks away. Keira hears whispers, chatter behind her back. Hears a voice say, “Last year, Lainey sent Lorraine a gift during every class period.” Keira feels the breath knock out of her as an arm slings around her shoulders.

“Keira!” says Hunk’s voice. Keira turns, grinning, to greet her friend. “Happy valentines day! I made you something!”

She hands her a parfait, raspberries at the bottom and granola at the top. “I made the yogurt myself.”

The parfait is delicious. Keira finishes it in AP Gov. A singing telegram arrives in their classroom and Keira perks up, thinking it’s for her. It’s not. It’s for some kid in the back of the classroom.

By lunchtime, which she eats with Pidge in the woodshop classroom, Lainey hasn’t given her a gift- which. It doesn’t bother her, really. Material gifts aren’t important, so.

“Why are we here?” Keira asks, pulling out her lunch.

“It’s the only place I can stomach today,” Pidge says around a mouthful of sandwich. “I’m allergic to acapella. I have a physical reaction, I swear. My ears start bleeding.”

Keira rolls her eyes.

“Did McClain sic them on you?” they ask, laughing. Keira shakes her head.

“No… she hasn’t really gotten me anything. Yet.”

Pidge raises their eyebrows. “Yet.”

“Yeah.” Keira stares down at her sushi,

There’s silence, and then: “Don’t worry. Trust me, she’s going to do something super fucking over the top. It’s gonna suck. You’re gonna fucking hate it.”

Keira grins. “Okay, Pidge.”

“You know, I’ve got my own valentine’s day gift for you.”

Keira’s shocked, then happy. “Oh, that’s really nice of you-”

“It’s advice. Keira. Do you know how to have sex?”

Keira coughs. “Um! I think I can figure it out?”

Pidge glares at her. “A lot of people think that with no penetration comes no risk, but Keira, you’ve really got to do your own research, make sure it won’t hurt when you-”

“Pidge,” Keira pleads. “Please. I don’t want to talk about this with a child.”

Pidge rolls their eyes. “Whatever, your loss.”

They hear a clang, and the door to the woodshop opens. A tall, skinny, acne-covered freshman stands in the doorway clutching a calla lily. Keira recognizes him. He’s on the junior varsity football team. A kicker, she thinks.

“Uh… Hey,” he calls, voice cracking.

She looks over at Pidge, who’s making aborted hand movements under their neck. They stop when Keira looks over, sliding a hand casually into their hair.

Keira’s eyes widen. “Oh my god,” she whispers. “Is that why you were telling me about sex?”

Pidge looks alarmed. “Keira, no-”

“Pidge, you’re too young-”

“Keira, I _know_ I’m too young, that’s not what this is-”

“-I’m gonna leave, but if you do anything, for goodness sake, use a condom-”

“-Keira, I swear to _god_ , I’m literally fourteen, please don’t-”

“-Have fun!” Keira whispers again, throwing her backpack on.

She nods at the freshman when they cross paths. He’s her height. She’s five-four. Freshmen were so tiny.

She wanders to the picnic tables next to the football field. There was a rare, yet still small group of friends sitting at a table, closer to the building. Keira smiles to herself. This was were she and Lainey made their contract. Keira looks up- the trees bloom, and apple blossoms fall gently around her, coating the ground and filling the air with a gentle white.

“Hey, you,” she hears a voice call. She turns, sees Lainey. She tugs on the straps of her backpack, grinning.

“Hey,” she says. Lainey comes closer, she’s holding something behind her. She leans in, kisses Keira on the lips, chaste at first, but when Keira’s hands come up to cup her face, the kiss grows deeper.

She pulls away with a smile. Her lips are pink.

“I got you something,” she breathes. Her breath tickles Keira’s skin.

“I got _you_ something,” Keira reveals, dropping her backpack on the ground.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Keira says, unzipping her backpack and then standing up. “You go first.”

“Okay then,” Lainey laughs. She pulls out a sleek, ceramic box. “I guess… this is kind of the perfect place to give you this. It’s where it all started, right?”

Keira takes the box, opens the lid. Blinks, eyes going wide, looks up at Lainey.

“I figured you didn’t want anything flashy, or showy,” Lainey continues rambling, scratching the back of her head. “I thought you’d want something simple and quiet but still romantic and beautiful. But if you don’t like it, or want more, I can always-”

“Lainey,” Keira says, hushed, pulling out a silver necklace with a small rose pendant on the end of it. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

Lainey grins, relieved. “Want me to put it on you?”

Keira nods, slides her hair out of the way as Lainey’s gentle fingers brush against her neck, her jaw. Heat spreads where Lainey’s fingers graze her skin.

“All done,” Lainey says, once the necklace falls against her spine.

Keira turns, grinning. “Okay, um.” She hands Lainey the tupperware of polvorones.

Lainey’s eyes go huge, then watery.

“Are these…?” she says, voice wobbling. “Did you make me polvorones? Keira! These are my favorite! How did you know?”

Keira laughs. “Vincent may have helped.”

Lainey peels off the lid, bites into one. Keira blushes when she moans around the cookie. Lainey’s eyes go wide again.

“Keira!” she says, voice muffled. “They’re pink inside!”

Keira laughs. “Yeah, food coloring.”

“Baby, these are perfect,” Lainey says, choked up. Keira’s vaguely worried that Lainey might actually start crying. “Seriously, thank you so much.”

“It’s nothing,” Keira says, shyly, looking at the ground.

Fingers grasp her chin, lift her head up so she’s looking at Lainey. Her eyes are dark, swimming with happiness and affection and something else, something she can’t quite place. It’s… overwhelming.

Keira’s breath shortens, her eyelashes flutter as Lainey presses their mouths together. Keira can taste the powdered sugar from the polvoron Lainey had been eating. The kiss is sweet, long. They bask in the sun as laughter wafts from kids around them, as Iverson yells at the gym class that runs by.

Keira’s warm. This moment… it’s perfect.

…

Later, when it’s dark out, they’re in the Rubicon kissing, they have _been_ in the Rubicon kissing, for hours, maybe, or days, or weeks, stretching from this one moment in time.

Lainey’s face is buried in her neck. Keira’s got her arms wrapped around Lainey, pulling at her head, her throat, her back, wanting more of her, wanting her even closer. Her skirt is pushed up around her hips, her underwear is soaking. She can feel Lainey’s body, her torso, the bottoms of her breasts, as she slides herself, desperately, against Lainey’s body.

She moans as Lainey sucks at her neck, her hips roll down. “ _Lainey_.”

“Keira,” Lainey says, and wrenches herself away. Keira just lays there, a little stunned, as Lainey stares, transfixed, at her body, at her slicked up, milky thighs.

“Uh…” says Lainey, gently running a thumb along the seam of Keira’s underwear. Keira moans. Lainey lowers her skirt back down, covering the mess of Keira’s lust. “Um, we shouldn’t do this here. Now.”

“Okay,” says Keira, red in the face. She squirms. She wants Lainey’s fingers in her.

Lainey comes up, kisses Keira deeply, and it’s enough to cool her off, kind of.

“Thanks for today,” Lainey whispers, lips grazing Keira’s skin.

“Mhm,” Keira says. She’s still really horny.

“I- I’ll see you soon,” Lainey says, seemingly forcing herself stationary, in the driver's seat.

“Okay,” Keira says, dazed. Pulls her backpack on, hops out of the car.

She watches as the Rubicon drives off. She’s left her book in there, in the glovebox, sticky note poking out, bookmarking a specific page. The lines, _My soul spills into yours and is blended/ Because my soul has absorbed your fragrance/ I cherish it_ are highlighted. Keira wonders when Lainey will find it.

…

“What do you think of the garden party plans this year?” Alor pops up behind her shoulder as she works registration.

Keira jumps, startled. “Uh… I mean, it’s the usual, right?”

“Yeah,” says Alor, dissatisfied. He sits on one of the armchairs next to the desk.

“Those are for the customers,” Keira reminds him, unhelpfully. He slouches further into the chair, pouting, but he looks thoughtful.

“It’s just,” he begins. “You know, Lainey and Ryo cleared out the greenhouse. Shouldn’t we find a better use for that space than just. You know. Putting some tables out and giving people tea?”

Keira shrugs. “Sure. Why not.”

“You’re so enthusiastic,” Alor grumbles, rolling his eyes. “Hey, by the way, we’ve got a new weekend volunteer.”

“Oh, really?”

“She’s eighteen, too. I don’t know why she waited so long to volunteer, colleges aren’t gonna like that,” Alor says, rolling his eyes. “Anyways, she should be here now. She might’ve gotten lost, but-"

“Hello,” calls a voice. Alor jumps. “Sorry, I just walked in. I’m here to start volunteering?”

“Ah, yes,” Alor says, flustered. Keira snorts. She’s hoping, for his sake, that none of what he said was heard. “You must be-”

“Jamie Griffin. That’s me.”

Keira’s eyes widen. She looks up.

Jamie’s grown taller, curvier, more toned. She’s wearing a cropped orange polo, grey jeans. One strap of her backpack hangs off her shoulder. Her long, brown hair tumbles past her shoulders. She looks good.

“It’s nice to meet you,” continues Alor. “You’re gonna have a lot of fun volunteering here.”

“Thanks,” says Jamie, stretching out a tanned arm for him to shake. She turns to the reception desk, and-

She goes pale. Keira shrinks, internally.

“Keira,” she says, breathlessly.

“Jamie,” Keira responds, flatly.

Alor’s giving her a very alarmed look.

“Well, hi!” Jamie says, shaking herself out of a stupor. “It’s- so nice to see you again! I’m so glad you remember me!”

“Of course,” Keira says, grimly. She might as well rip the band aid off. “I sent you a love letter, didn’t I?”

Behind Jamie, Alor’s freaking out.

“You did,” Jamie says, smirking slightly. She crosses her- _very_ evenly tanned- arms across her chest. “And here I was, thinking you hated me.”

“Oh, I did,” says Keira. “I really did. I just. Also liked you. Evidently.”

“That’s good,” says Jamie, softly. “I liked you, too.”

Keira breathes out, gustily. Stares at the desk in front of her. Jesus fucking _christ_.

“Well. About that letter,” Keira continues. “I’m gonna need it back.”

Jamie’s eyebrows furrow, confused. “Why?”

“I have a girlfriend,” Keira says, maybe a little loudly. “And I don’t think she’d like knowing there was someone out there with a love letter from me.”

Actually, she didn’t really think Lainey would give a fuck, but. She didn’t want Jamie getting the wrong idea. Also, she wanted to see how fucking embarassed she needed to be.

Jamie blinks, startled. “Oh, shit, I didn’t mean to-”

Keira waves her off, with a hand. “It’s- I mean. You’re all good.”

“Okay,” says Jamie, tugging at her backpack strap. “Well, if you don’t mind, I’d actually like to keep it? It’s the first love letter I’ve ever gotten, so.”

“Oh,” says Keira, surprised. “Um, sure, yeah. I don’t… think she’d mind that much, so.”

“Hey, thanks,” Jamie says, relieved. “It was nice to see you again.”

“And on that note,” Alor says, shaking off his astounded look, “I think it’s time for you to get some volunteer training. My godmother, Corinne, will help you out. Right this way…”

Alor directs her upstairs, telling her what door to stop at. Jamie thanks him, waves again to Keira, and is on her way.

“Well, fuck,” Alor says, after a moment of silence.

“Yeah,” Keira says, collapsing onto the desk in front of her.

“Lainey wasn’t lying when she said you were a heartbreaker,” Alor comments.

“What!” Keira jerks upright, slamming her palms on the desk. “What is she talking about. Do you know how many random people filled her locker with love letters on valentines day? She literally calls herself Lovergirl Lane! Who-"

Alor laughs. “You say that, but this girl was literally about to profess her love for you! Keira!”

Keira blushes. “She was, wasn’t she.” She shakes her head. “And she’s _hot_ now!”

“Lainey’s gonna laugh so hard,” Alor mumbles to himself. Keira rolls her eyes.

“Anyways. You were saying, about the garden party?”

“Oh, yes!” Alor’s eyes light up. “We should bring the Star Ball back!”

Keira’s eyebrows climb, and then climb higher. “Oh. That rules, actually. We should totally do that.”

“Right?” Alor says, grinning dopily. “I’ll ask Corinne.”

Keira tunes out as Alor keeps talking. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Corinne leading around a tall, tanned, toned Jamie Griffin. A chill goes down her spine.

…

“I can’t believe that actually happened,” Lainey says, at the grocery store, a week later, mouth full of peanut butter-covered celery. “That’s so funny. And you guys hated each other so much in middle school!”

Keira’s face is bright red. “I dunno. She was always really hot.”

“Eh, not my type,” Lainey shrugs. Bites into her celery.

“She kind of…” realization strikes Keira. She whips around, glaring at her girlfriend. (Her girlfriend!) “She looks like you!”

Lainey’s eyes widen. She coughs on her celery, then bursts into laughter. “Damn, Keira! You got a type!”

“You know what,” Keira snaps, aggressively shoving brussel sprouts into her stasher bag, “Shut the fuck up, okay?”

Lainey keeps laughing. Keira rolls her eyes, looks over at the tofu section. And stares.

Lainey’s laughter dies. “Keira? I was just teas-”

Keira jabs Lainey in the stomach, motions over to where Raimon and Ryo stand, looking at produce together.

Lainey bites into a celery stick. “Oh, Shit.”

Axac appears, suddenly. “Hey, losers. I found sesame oil, but no gochujang.” When there’s no answer, he waves an arm in front of their faces. “Hello?”

“Bruh,” says Lainey, points at the couple in front of them with her last celery stick.

Axac turns, blinks. “Oh.”

They’ve turned away from the tofu and towards each other, now. Raimon is looking down at Ryo with his lashes lowered, grinning widely. He’s got deep dimples in the sides of his face, his cheeks are dusted a pale pink.

Lainey makes a garbled noise and Axac clutches onto Keira’s arm when Ryo stands on her tiptoes as Raimon cups her cheek. She gives him a tender kiss on the lips.

“Holy shit!” Axac whispers.

“We knew they were dating,” Keira says, uncertainly.

Axac glares at her. “You know, for one of my success stories, you think you’d be more supportive.”

Keira’s unimpressed. “Uh huh.”

“Babe,” Lainey says, worming her hands underneath Keira’s oversized blue denim jacket and jabbing at the area of skin left between Keira’s red, lacy bralette and her black corduroys, “Go talk to them!"

“Why do _I_ have to?”

“You were gonna go over to pick up tofu anyways!”

Keira sighs. Walks over.

“Excuse me,” she says, standing in front of them as they gaze into each other's eyes, “I just need to grab some tofu.”

Raimon and Ryo jump apart, startled. “Keira!” Ryo says, surprised.

“Hey,” Keira says, uncomfortable.

“Hi,” says Ryo, wide eyed, wiping her hands unnecessarily on her windbreaker. “What- What’re you doing here?”

“Just,” Keira reaches past them, grabs the tofu, “Grabbing tofu."

“Oh, are you vegetarian?” Raimon asks, regaining his bearing."

“Uh, no,” Keira says. “It’s for an anniversary dinner.”

“Oh? What dinner?” Raimon asks, curiously.

“It’s for when Ryo and Shiro got to finally adopt Keira,” says Axac, sliding up to them. “We have one for when my dad found Keira and accosted her like, ‘I made you’.”

“You’re making dad sound really creepy,” Keira says, annoyed.

“Anyways, guests are _totally_ invited,” Axac says, ignoring her. “Right, Keira? Isn’t Lainey coming?”

“Huh?” Lainey says, just arriving.

“Yes,” Keira says, patience thin. “Lainey is coming to dinner.”

“What dinner?”

“You should come,” says Axac.

Raimon’s eyes widen. He looks between them, the group and Ryo. “Well, I wouldn’t want to-”

“-Go another day without trying Keira’s soondubu jjigae?” Axac laughs. “Seriously, it’s amazing. Better than taco bell after a night of dri-”

Keira elbows him. He coughs. Raimon laughs.

“Well, I can’t say no to that, can I?” he says warmly. He turns to Ryo. “You sure you’re okay with me coming…?”

“Of course!” Ryo says, in a flurry. “I- Yes! We’d love to have you!”

“Alright, count me in,” Raimon says. When he turns to pick up his tote bag full of groceries, Axac mouths the word _score_ at Ryo, who rolls her eyes.

“Okay, I better get these guys home,” Ryo calls over to Raimon. “But I’ll- uh, text you the deets, okay?”

“Sure,” says Raimon, laughing. “See you later.”

Ryo grabs them by the elbows, drags them over to the self checkout area. When they’re in the parking lot, loading groceries into Lainey’s Rubicon, she hits Axac and Keira on the back of their heads and yells at them for making her life harder.

…

Keira breathes out slowly, a count of four. Holds. Breathes in. Pidge stares at her, worried.

“It’ll be fine,” Pidge says. “Don’t even- it’ll be okay.”

Keira’s knee is bouncing up and down below the table. She’d woken up this morning with an equal feeling of dread and excitement. It was March, and March meant one thing- college admissions. She’d gotten most of her decisions back, rejected from only two schools, accepted into the rest. She and Axac had applied to all the same schools.

But this school wasn’t like the other schools, as far as importance went. This was Reed. Her mother had gone here. Her father had gone here. Her sisters had gone here, Ryo attending despite the fact that Reed wasn’t necessarily conducive for pre-med students. Keira had grown up around Reed, being just north of where she lived, in the lower parts of Portland. 

It was somewhat of an important matter, Keira’s admission.

She refreshes the portal. No new posts.

“Keira,” Pidge insists, “Stop freaking out. You’ll be fine. There’s no way in hell you’re not getting in.”

Keira breathes out again, running a hand through her hair. Despite Pidge’s suggestion, she keeps freaking out.

She refreshes the portal again.

A new post.

Keira almost jumps against the computer screen. Her hand is shaking as she clicks the button. She’s holding her breath. Sweat is building on her forehead. The screen is loading, loading, _loads_ and then-

_Congratulations, we’re pleased to offer you admissions-_

“Oh my god,” says Keira, stunned. Then, she gets up, shouts. “Oh my god!”

She hears yelling distantly, upstairs in the movie room. “Oh my god! Oh my god!”

“Keira!” Axac’s shrieking, running down the stairs. “Did you get in? Did you-”

“Yes!” Keira shouts, jumping. “Yes, yes! What about you-”

“I got in!” Axac shouts, his computer cradled in his elbow. “I fucking- I got in!”

Pidge is grinning, at the table. Keira screams, tackles her brother in a hug. “We got in! Axac, holy shit! We got in!”

“I knew you’d get in,” Pidge says, fondly. “You two freak out over nothing.”

Keira’s crying. She never cries, and yet she’s full sobbing as her brother spins her around in his arms. “We got in, we’re going to school together-”

Their dad approaches them, wraps an arm around the both of them, pulling them into a hug. “I’m so proud of you two,” he says. He sounds choked up. “I knew you could do it.”

Keira laughs wetly against her dad. Axac’s fingers tangle with hers, and she looks up at him, his cheek similarly squished against their dad’s chest.

“We’re going to college together,” she murmurs, amazed. Laughs happily when Axac’s face wrinkles up, about to cry again.

…

“-Ow, fuck-”

“Lainey?” says Keira, blearily, sitting up in her bed. “Is that you, babe?”

“ _Shhh_ ,” hisses Lainey. “Yes, it’s me.”

Keira blinks at her girlfriend, rubs at the sleep in her eyes. “What are you doing here? It’s-” she looks at the alarm clock next to her bed, “-two in the morning.”

“I climbed onto your roof from the top of my car,” says Lainey, sliding into bed with her. “Make room, it’s fucking cold.”

Keira jerks unpleasantly when Lainey presses her cold feet to her calves. “That’s not my problem- Lane, _what_ are you doing here.”

“I wanted to talk to you,” says Lainey, who has pulled up her comforter to her nose. “It’s almost ivy day.”

Ivy day. Keira winces. “Yeah, it is.”

“Also,” Lainey rolls around underneath the blanket, so she’s face down in her pillow. “UF decisions are coming out today.”

“Really?” Keira jumps, shakes Lainey by the shoulders. “Oh my god, are you scared?”

University of Florida was Lainey’s dream school. She’d been pining for it since she was a kid. It had a D1 women’s lacrosse team that also happened to be really fucking good. It was also a five hour drive from Miami, where her cousins lived. Keira wanted, more than anything, for Lainey to get in.

“Yes, I’m fucking scared, Keira!” Lainey cries, muffled into her pillow. “I couldn’t fucking sleep! I came here so you could distract me!”

“Distract you…?” Keira says, turning red.

“Not like that, you perv!” Lainey squawks, slamming a pillow over Keira’s face. “I meant like- let’s watch those snobby anime movies you like.”

“They’re not snobby, they’re award-winning,” Keira insists as Lainey pulls over her laptop.

They put on _Mirai_ , which Lainey graces with commentary such as, “Why’s he a fucking dog, now.” to which Keira had responded, “It’s symbolism, babe.” to which Lainey had then responded, “Are you sure he’s not just a furry?” And at the end of the movie, at the train scene, Lainey turns to Keira with tears in her eyes and says, “The fucking _baby_ , Keira.”

Lainey’s wearing a cream colored sweater that hangs a bit loosely on her frame, and nike shorts that end right at the start of her thighs. Keira’s got on a loose shirt and her panties. She doesn’t typically wear anything to sleep, but, sometimes, when it’s cold enough, the sleep shirts make an appearance. The one she’s wearing right now is bright red and says _Iron Man_ in giant letters. Keira curls into a semi circle around Lainey’s frame, under the covers, one leg squeezed between Lainey’s. Her hands worm underneath Lainey’s sweater, tracing shapes and patterns on Lainey’s abs, feeling the texture of Lainey’s sports bra. Occasionally, they drift down, tracing at the hem of Lainey’s shorts, the smooth skin of her thighs. Her nose is mashed into Lainey’s shoulder. She can see, in her periphery, the way Lainey’s hair is splayed out on her pillow like a golden waterfall. Lainey’s arm is curled around her, arm underneath Keira’s shirt, long fingers trace Keira’s spine, her lacy underwear, the underside of her boobs, as Keira doesn’t wear bras to bed. Keira kisses the base of Lainey’s neck, Lainey kisses her forehead.

They watch _Rilakkuma and Kaoru_ , because it’s Keira’s favorite show. It’s six thirty by the time they’ve finished, and Lainey is very invested in Kaoru’s life (“I just want her and the hot delivery guy to get _married_ , Keira”). Keira sits up. 

“Breakfast?” she offers. Lainey makes a face.

“I dunno, I’m not really hungry.”

“Okay, but we got this new orange marmalade, and it’s really good,” Keira says, getting out of bed and pulling on sweatpants and a bra.

Lainey considers this. “Yeah, okay.”

Lainey signs in to the UF portal as Keira makes breakfast. Keira’s dad comes downstairs and gives Keira a kiss on her forehead before sitting at the table and pulling out his planner. Lainey’s tense, jittery. They talk, for a little bit, her dad and Lainey, and Lainey looks sick throughout the conversation. Lainey suddenly cuts off with a shout.

“Oh my god the portal updated,” Lainey stammers, hands shaking. “Jesus, Keira, how do you use your computer.”

“Do you need-”

Keira’s dad places a hand on Keira’s arm, shaking his head.

Lainey’s hands are on her face, her shoulders hunched inwards. She peeks at the computer screen through her fingers. Her eyes widen, suddenly, and she jumps up, screaming.

“I got in! I got in!” she shrieks, grabs the sides of the computer, leans forward again. “Lainey McClain, we are proud to offer you an academic scholarship for our Gainesville campus and a division one scholarship for women’s lacrosse-”

Lainey’s eyes have gotten progressively wider as she reads the statement. She looks up at Keira, teary eyed. “Oh my god,” she says. “Oh my god!”

“You got in!” Keira cries, jumps at Lainey with her arms extended. “I knew you could, I’m so proud of you.”

“I got in, I got in, _I got in_ ,” Lainey’s practically vibrating out of her skin. Scoops Keira up in her arms and spins, jumps. “I got in!”

Keira laughs, arms wound around Lainey’s neck.

“I’ve gotta- I’ve gotta tell my mom,” Lainey babbles. “I gotta send her the NCAA portal so she knows how much we’ve gotten, I gotta-”

“Why don’t you take a seat, first,” Keira’s dad says, amused. “Get some food in you.”

“Right.” Lainey plops down in a chair, lowers Keira with her, so that she’s sitting in her lap. “I got in.”

Keira snorts, amused, brushes an eyelash from under Lainey’s eye as she fiddles with Keira’s laptop. “Now all we have to do is wait for ivy day.”

Keira freezes.

“Ivy day?” Keira’s dad questions.

“Yeah, ivy day,” Lainey continues, eyes shining, arm curled around Keira’s waist. “Keira applied to Princeton, right? It’s- a _little_ long distance, but we could make it work-”

Keira’s dad is staring at her. She shifts, uncomfortable.

“-I mean, Keira’s _definitely_ going to get in, right? She’s too smart not to,” Lainey says, affectionately staring at Keira.

Keira smiles back at her. “I mean, there’s still a possibility-"

“Oh, psh,” Lainey says, waving a hand dismissively. “That’s just you being humble. You’re definitely going to get in.”

Keira can feel her dad’s gaze boring into the back of her skull like a laser. “Ha… thanks.”

“Of course, lo- anyways. It’ll be great! I’ll take a picture of you and blow it up into a poster so kids at college know I have a hot ass girlfriend.”

Keira laughs, startled. “What.”

“Yeah, it’ll be all pin up style, or something. I dunno, you’re the artsy one-”

“Lainey, oh my god.”

“-and whenever someone comes over, they’ll be like, ‘oh, who’s _that_ chick’ and I’ll be like, ‘that’s my fine ass girlfriend’-”

“Lainey, my dad is _right there_.”

“-it’s not gonna be sexy!” Lainey exclaims, and Keira’s dad snickers into his coffee. “But we’ll talk every night, and spend the weekend with each other _at least_ twice a month-”

“It’ll be great,” Keira murmurs, chest warm. Lainey cuts off, looks up at her. There’s so much devotion and hope and happiness in her eyes and Keira feels overwhelmed, a little, that it’s directed at her. But she mostly feels-

She feels-

She might be in-

Keira cups Lainey’s jaw, kisses her gently. The wave of emotion that crashes against her heart, in her ears, when Lainey presses back, softly, is telling.

She’s.

Screwed.

Lainey whispers against her mouth, “We’re taking the first steps in the rest of our lives.”

Keira’s dad eyes her across the table when Lainey leaves.

“Have you told her about…?”

“No.”

“Are you _going_ to tell her about…?”

Keira shifts in her seat. “...Maybe.”

Keira’s dad sighs, places his planner on the table. “Keira, even if you do get into Princeton- I frankly don’t know if we can afford it.”

Keira bites down on her tongue. “I’ll apply for a student loan.”

“Keira…” her dad sighs again. “Did you two even talk about this?”

“Yes.”

They had, in a manner of speaking- Keira and Axac had only applied to one reach school, Princeton. Lainey had jumped when Keira had told her, saying, “Thank _god_ , Princeton is close to UF. I was worried we weren’t going to be able to go to college together because we started dating after the college application deadline- but if you get in to Princeton, which you _will_ get into Princeton, duh, then we can still be together in college-”

Keira hadn’t said anything, mostly because the thought of them breaking up had occurred to her, suddenly, and cold fear struck through her like someone had poured it down the back of her shirt. The thought of going to college, being at college, and _not_ being with Lainey-

No. She’d do anything for Lainey. For _them_.

Keira’s dad raises his eyebrows. “So, you mean, if you get into Princeton, you’re gonna go to Princeton? That’s what you _want_?”

Keira’s heart twists in an ugly way, at the statement.

“Yes,” she forces herself to say. “I want… to go to Princeton.”

Keira’s dad watches her, in silence, for a little bit. Picks his planner back up. “Okay. As long as that’s what you want.”

…

Lainey stares at the yellow bowl in front of her with intense confusion.

“Something wrong?” Keira asks. She’s wearing this red floral dress that Lainey likes on her. Lainey’s never _told_ her this, but she knows.

“No, it’s just-” Lainey looks around the table. “The yukgaejang, jajangmyeon, bulgogi, kimchi jjigae- and then, um. Tater tots?”

“She’s got a good eye,” Axac says, as Ryo chokes on said kimchi jjigae.

Keira grins. “It’s symbolic.”

“Heh?” Lainey’s confused.

Ryo laughs. “It’s- it’s silly, we just have tater tots every year.”

“It sounds like there’s a story there, is there a story?” Raimon asks, looking at Ryo.

“Um,” Ryo looks at Keira, as if to ask if she wanted to tell it. Keira shakes her head, and Ryo continues. “Well, okay. So, Keira was able to get adopted by our grandma pretty easily, right?”

Raimon nods, attentively, taking a bite of cabbage.

“Well, when she died, we didn’t really think we’d get to keep her, so we had to fight to keep custody over her. Thankfully it was like, us versus the state, and we live in a pretty cool state, so we were fine. But the last day we had to go to court- five years ago today- Keira didn’t want to go. Like, she _really_ didn’t wanna fucking go. So Shiro promised she’d make yukgaejang for her, since it’s her favorite, when we got home.”

Keira groans, sinks in her chair.

“Well,” Ryo says, levity glinting in her eyes, “We got home, successful, and Shiro passed the _fuck_ out. And Keira _really_ wanted her yukgaejang. She wanted it _so_ badly, we started yelling at each other and then she started crying. So I panicked, and instead of making yukgaejang-”

“She made tater tots,” Axac finishes, chin propped up in his hands. Axac loved this story. It was a precursor to a family tradition, an iconic tale of the Koganes. It also made Keira look stupid, which, she supposed, probably helped.

“Turns _out_ ,” Ryo continues. Keira places her face in her hands. “ _Keira_ had gotten her period. So she’s crying and screaming about yukgaejang, and she also happened to have bled all over our grandmother’s white couch.”

“No,” says Lainey, gleefully horrified.

“ _Yes_ ,” Ryo continues, barely holding in laughter at this point. “So I take Keira to the bathroom and I’m trying to get her to use a tampon, and she’s like. I don’t need a tampon, I’m a fucking lesbian. And I’m like, girl, they’re better for the environment! So she finally lets me teach her how to wear a tampon, after like, a year of only using pads. And _then_ . _That_ is when our dumbass older sister decides it’s a good idea to wake up, only to find our living room and kitchen _covered_ with tater tots and blood.”

Keira snorts into her hands. That night was a mess.

“Yikes,” says Raimon, after absolutely losing it. “Honestly, Keira, I can’t even blame you. _I_ throw a tantrum every time I get my period, too.”

“You have a valid reason!” Ryo protests. “She was just being a bitch!”

“Hey!”

“I’m taking Ryo’s side,” her dad pipes up, amused. Keira looks at her father, betrayed.

“Dad!”

Raimon’s still rubbing tears from his eyes. “Oh my god. That’s- god. Thank you, you know. For telling me that story.”

“Yeah Keira, thank you,” Ryo coos at Keira, who rolls her eyes, but smiles.

“Yeah, well, there’s one other tradition,” Keira interrupts, reaching for the bowl.

“Yes,” Axac continues. “Newcomers _have_ to eat the tater tots.”

“Oh-” Ryo starts, “I don’t know if that’s important-”

“Oh it’s _very_ important,” says Axac, full seriousness. “Dad and I had to eat them, Shiro made Addison eat them, _so-_ ”

“Well, that sounds pretty official, then,” Raimon says, reaching for the bowl.

“Okay,” Ryo says, apprehensive.

“I don’t mind,” Lainey says, “I thrive off junk food.”

“That explains a lot,” Keira says, wrinkling her nose. Axac cackles at Lainey’s wounded look.

Lainey and Raimon eat the tots.

“So…? How are they?” Ryo asks.

“You know what,” Raimon says, voice muffled. “They really aren’t bad, like. At all.”

Ryo grins, looks down. “Great.”

Raimon responds, looking at her softly, “Great.”

Under the table, Lainey’s fingers tangle with her own.

…

They’re high. Like, really high, laying on the roof of Lainey’s Rubicon. Lainey doesn’t really smoke weed, but when Keira asked, Lainey had said okay.

They’re secluded, somewhat, in the dense shrubbery of the wildlife somewhere on the Willamette river, far enough that Keira knows they won’t be seen. The sun is setting, coloring the sky a deep orange.

They’re laughing at- something, Keira doesn’t really remember- when Lainey turns, so her body is facing Keira’s. Keira moves her head, looks back at Lainey. She’s glowing, in the orange light of the sun, her skin sings, her eyes shine. Her hair falls against the roof of the car. Keira feels something build in her chest, rise up to her head. A shiver goes through her body.

“You’re beautiful,” Keira says, hushed.

Lainey’s eyes widen, then she giggles. Turns her face into the car roof. “Don’t say that,” she says. “Don’t look at me like that.”

Keira’s- well. She’s high. Feels the lightness in her head, behind her eyes. “Okay,” she says, looks back up at the sky.

Streaks of white mark the sky. Birds race across the landscape, black spots against the horizon.

Keira feels a tug at her sleeve. “I didn’t mean it,” Lainey confesses. “I like it when you look at me.”

Normally, soberly, Keira would’ve rolled her eyes and said something about Lainey being clingy. Now she just turns her head and blinks. “I like looking at you.”

Something like resolve hardens in Lainey’s expression, at that. She lifts her torso off the ground, brackets Keira in with her arms. Lainey’s on top of Keira, her brown hair- caramel at the tips, from the sun- grazes the side of her cheeks.

“Keira,” Lainey says, seriously. Keira wants to say something, respond, but. She lifts her arms, threads her fingers through Lainey’s hair, pulls her downward.

Keira can’t get enough of it, the slide of Lainey’s mouth against her own. The warmth. The way her tongue sends tingles throughout Keira’s body. The softness of her skin. Keira thinks fantasizing about someone’s skin is weird, maybe, but. Lainey just has so much of it, and it’s so brown, so soft, so warm. Keira wants to run her hands all over it. She wants to grab at Lainey’s most hidden parts, run her fingers along her lips. She wants to squeeze Lainey’s cheeks whenever she gets annoyed or excited. She wants to hold Laniey’s hands.

“Keira,” Lainey says, into Keira’s mouth, and it’s more like a moan, really. Keira’s ears burn bright red at the sound and can’t help the sudden force of her arms, the sudden heat that flushes downwards.

“ _Mmm_ ,” Keira responds, and Lainey dives deeper, _deeper_ into her mouth and then-

Detaches herself, with a pop. Buries her face underneath Keira’s jaw. Keira’s hand comes up, grazes Lainey’s hairline.

“I wanna take you somewhere,” Keira says.

“Hmm?”

“I wanna-” Keira cuts off. “I want to… take you somewhere special, to me. Because you’re…”

It’s silent, for a little bit. Keira’s wearing a red hoodie, Lainey’s hands come up to play with the strings.

“Where?”

“Huh?”

“Where do you want to take me?”

“Oh.” Keira blinks. “Astoria.”

“I’ve been, baby,” Lainey murmurs, kissing Keira’s neck.

“Yeah, but not with me,” Keira mumbles back.

Lainey lifts her head again, and Keira knows she’s watching her. She feels- splayed open, like this. Vulnerable. Like Lainey can see all her deepest secrets, all her hidden parts.

“Okay,” Lainey says. “I’ll ask my mom.”

Keira grins. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Lainey responds, softly. Grinning as her eyes wash over Keira’s face. “I want to go somewhere special with you.”

…

Keira’s dad is fine with it. Keira’s eighteen, after all, and he’s chill, so.

Keira doesn’t think Lainey got permission, judging by the fact that she and Hunk apparently take a ton of pictures together at Hunk’s- and Pidge’s- houses, of Lainey in various states of dress. Keira also considers the fact that Luisa may be more strict than her mom.

They do not reveal this fact to Keira’s dad as they say their farewells. Ryo has booked the rooms, at a little place called _Clementine’s Bed and Breakfast_ , which they will love a lot, apparently. They pack backpacks and put them in the back of the Rubicon.

It’s a two hour drive to Astoria. Keira’s already daydreaming- it’s a sleepy town, next to the ocean. Keira can imagine the smell, the feeling of wind whipping damp hair, the sound of quiet laughter and birds squawking.

When they get on the highway, Lainey rolls down the sunroof and lets the air in. It’s late enough in March that it’s actually hot out. The sky is clear and the sun shines brightly. It catches onto Lainey’s brown skin.

Lainey sings along to every song that plays on her playlists, even attempts a horrible butchering of Korean when a Girl’s Generation song on Keira’s playlist pops up. Keira _dies_ laughing.

It’s eight in the morning when they reach the bed and breakfast. They say hello to the woman working registration, put their stuff upstairs, and when they come down, Lainey spends half an hour telling the woman what a beautiful little place they have.

They go to the Oregon Film Museum. It’s where she’d wanted to take Lainey- _why_ she’d wanted to take Lainey. It’s a cheesy building with a cheesy tour provided, but when Keira steps into the de facto jailhouse, Keira feels like she just walked into her second home. It’s where the opening scene of _The Goonies_ is shot, which she tells Lainey before they even enter the building. Her mother took her here when she was younger, and then they’d watched _The Goonies_ together after they had come home. It was the beginning of Keira’s love for film, Keira’s one and only true interest in life.

She tells all of this to Lainey. “-and then, when I was older, I was finally able to watch _One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest_. It was amazing. I mean, problematic, definitely, but. Amazing.”

Lainey just watches her, as she speaks, paying more attention to her than the exhibits around them.

They leave, and Keira’s on cloud nine. She’s talking fast, elatedly, about Oregon and all the movies that had been shot here, and Lainey just indulges her. She laces their fingers together. 

They buy ice cream and head over to the Garden of Surging Waves. It’s a small little place, but Keira loves it, loves the art around them and the history behind it. They stare at the little fish mosaic on the ground before they sit on one of the benches, under the sun, and finish their ice creams. They don’t let go of each other.

Keira wants to do the riverwalk, when sunset’s about to hit, but Lainey just grins at her mischievously and says that it’s her turn to show her something special.

Lainey takes the door and roof off the Rubicon and sets it in the trunk. Keira raises her eyebrows when she sees it. Is _that_ why people bought that ugly-ass car?

They drive upwards, until Astoria shrinks below them, becomes just another city edged by the water. The sun is setting and the sky is orange and red near the horizon, blending out into a bright, then darker blue. The light glints off the sea.

“You can see Washington from here,” Keira murmurs, amused, when Lainey’s parked on the side of the road and they sit, precariously, on the guard rail. “Thank you. For showing me this, I mean.”

Lainey’s staring at her. Keira blinks. “What?” she asks, self consciously.

Lainey looks at the ground. “I need to tell you something.”

Keira’s brows furrow, heart speeds up. Was she going to say that she didn’t want to be with her anymore? “What?”

“I love you,” Lainey says, slumped over, looking at the ground. She straightens up, looks Keira in the eye, guarded, scared. “I’m in love with you.”

Keira feels like her breath has been knocked out of her.

Lainey looks back at the sea.

“How do you know?” Keira asks, when she’s found her voice again. “How do you know that you’re…”

Lainey swings her legs, kicks at the ground with her white adidas superstars. “I mean. I’ve been in love before.”

Right. Lorraine. Keira shrinks. “Oh.”

Lainey snorts. “But even that wasn’t… wasn’t like this.”

“What- What do you…”

Lainey shrugs, kicks at the ground again. “I dunno. It’s like… at first, Lorraine made me feel like I was on top of the world, you know? Like… she was so cool. And she made me feel like _I_ was so cool. And we could talk for hours and we’d never get bored or tired. And- I don’t know.”

Lainey kicks a rock, hard. “It changed, though. Or- I guess it was always that way, but. She would get mad at me, if I did something she didn’t like in public. But it wasn’t… She’d get embarrassed of me, too. That… was worse. It felt like… whiplash, almost, like one moment I was the coolest person in the world with the coolest girl in the world next to me, and the next, I was a fucking- public _embarassment_ or something, like I just wasn’t good enough. And then that second feeling came so often that I just started chasing after that first. I should’ve… known, then, I guess. That I wasn’t in love anymore. It was just infatuation at that point.”

Lainey turns, looks at her. The sunset is reflected in Lainey’s eyes, making them look a reddish golden. “It’s different, with you,” Lainey says softly. “I feel… calm, around you. I feel like my head is swimming but it’s good, ‘cause I’m floating, and you’re floating with me. And it’s… not really about me, either. Or how you make me feel. It’s… you. I can’t stop thinking about you, Keira. I never stop thinking about you.”

Keira takes a deep breath in, realizes it’s shaky and wet. She wants to cry, to scream, to jump with happiness, to kiss Lainey until she passes out. “I’m in love with you,” Keira responds, voice hoarse. “You’re the most beautiful person in the world.”

Lainey’s lashes flutter. Her eyes tear up and her nose starts turning red, the way it does when she’s about to cry. She looks at the sunset again.

Keira’s sure her ears are bright red. Lainey mutters, “Thank god,” and Keira laughs, wetly.

“It’s scary,” she reveals, a secret, crossing her arms, tucking her hands against her body. “It’s scary, how much I love you.”

She feels Lainey press against her, hold a palm over her hand. “Don’t worry,” she whispers, and Keira can smell her fruity shampoo, the warm vanilla of her skin. It should clash, but. “I’m always gonna be right here.”

Keira slumps against her, rests her head on Lainey’s shoulder. They watch as the sun goes down, together, as the last tendrils of light disappear behind the ocean.

“We-” Lainey clears her throat. “We, uh… we gotta talk about sex, too.”

Keira lifts her head. “What?”

“I know it’s-” Lainey’s flushed, embarrassed. “We don’t- really ever talk about it, not just you and me, but like kids in general, and I don’t-”

Lainey makes a frustrated noise, puts her face in her hands. Keira pats her gently on the back, wonders if she’s being comforting or if she’s just making it worse.

“I just…” Lainey begins. “Lorraine and I didn’t talk about it. We were just making out one day and it happened, and I kind of freaked out, but when I tried telling her, she didn’t really… like, notice I guess-"

“Oh,” Keira breathes in, alarmed, saddened, before a wave of fresh anger crashes into her like a truck. She was going to fucking _kill_ Lorraine when she saw her, next.

“I mean, I had sex with other people, too,” Lainey says. “Like, with guys and stuff. And It was always lowkey, never a big deal, but then- I dunno. It... became one? People started talking about it and calling me names and it- uh. I wasn’t… really expecting _any_ of it…”

Keira wraps an arm around Lainey. “I’m sorry, Lane,” she says. “I’m so sorry about all of it.”

“No, it’s fine, it’s just,” Lainey straightens, looking Keira in the eyes. They’re so close together, their noses almost touch. “That’s why I’m like. Also, you’re a virgin, right? I know kids don’t usually talk about it, but. I think they should and, um. I want to take it slow. And if there’s anything- _anything-_ that you don’t like, or if it’s hurting, or even mildly uncomfortable, don’t even _hesitate-_ ”

Keira kisses her. Pulls away. “I promise,” she whispers, eyes searching Lainey’s. “That goes for you, too.”

A cold feeling runs through her veins. “Oh, shit,” she says, suddenly. “And I kissed you-”

“It’s fine,” says Lainey, shaking her head.

“It’s _not_ fine-”

“Okay, it’s not fine. But we talked about it, after, remember? And I told you it wasn’t okay? And you never did it again. So it’s fine.”

Keira frowns. “I still don’t-”

Lainey sighs, grabs Keira’s face with her hands. Her thumbs dig into where Keira’s dimples are when she smiles, her fingers curl beneath her jaw. “Keira,” she says, gently. “It’s okay.”

Keira looks into her eyes. The sky is all blue, now, tinged with purple at the peripheries. Lainey stands out like a star. She’s beautiful.

“I love you,” Keira says, feels a rush of fear when she says it, a rush of affection.

Lainey takes a small, sharp breath. Her lashes flutter, she swallows. “Do you, um.” She clears her throat. “Do you. Maybe wanna have sex tonight?”

Keira’s eyes widen. She feels herself light up from the inside.

“Yes,” she says, so fast she barely realizes she’s said it.

“-Really? Because we don’t _have-_ ”

“ _-Yes_ , Lainey, I want to-”

Lainey kisses her, and it’s mild, at first, just a low simmer before Lainey’s opening her mouth and then there’s heat, so much heat, and Keira feels it in her face and her ears and it tingles down between her legs and when Lainey licks into her mouth and bites at her upper lip, Keira _whines_ into Lainey’s mouth and watches as Lainey’s eyes go dark.

“We’re not doing this here,” Lainey says, hot breath against her face and it doesn’t help, “Let’s- back to the hotel.”

Keira nods, and Lainey pulls her back to the jeep. They’re silent, don’t look at each other as they drive back. The sky is fully purple, now, and Keira can see Astoria’s light pollution surrounding the city like a glowing cloud.

They’re quiet, when they arrive back at the bed and breakfast, so much so that Kiera wonders if the lady at reception thinks a falling out occurred. Lainey walks into the room first, leaving Keira to close and lock the door, and when Keira turns back around, Lainey’s there, right there, crowding her against the door, her sparkly face filling up Keira’s vision.

“Hey,” she whispers.

“Hey,” Keira whispers back, staring at her lips.

Lainey takes it as it is, sliding hands beneath Keira’s leather jacket, holding her waist with her broad hands. Keira can feel her long fingers stroke at her back. It makes her face hot.

“You still wanna…?” Lainey questions, giving her an out. Keira nods as she comes forwards, capturing Lainey’s mouth with her own. The heat sparks, again, and Lainey bites at her lips. Keira moans quietly, gasps, her mouth falls open, and Lainey carves her way into the wet heat there. Lainey’s hands are searing as they push her jacket off, push her shirt upwards, graze her boobs. Keira moans, louder, then, her hips rocking instinctively forwards. She’s wet.

“Jesus-” Lainey grabs Keira by the hips, pulls them towards her. Dazedly, Keira wraps her legs around Lainey as she carries her over to the bed. Lainey pulls Keira’s pants off, then her own, and stares at Keira down below her.

Keira’s sure she looks like a fucking mess, tank top bunched up around her collar. She’s got on plain underwear, but she wore a lacy bra today, one that was slightly see through. Lainey could probably see her nipples through it.

“You’re so pretty,” Lainey marvels, leaning over her, dragging her hands up from Keira’s hips to her breasts, feeling the way Keira convulsed under her hands, “I love you. God, you’re so gorgeous.”

Kiera whimpers, grabs Lainey’s face. Licks into her wet, _wet_ mouth. Keira can feel herself grow wetter, can feel her pussy twitch. “Lainey- I want you-”

“Tell me, baby,” Lainey says, mouthing at Keira’s neck. “Tell me how you want me.”

Keira groans, hips rolling upwards, pussy catching on that area between the end of Lainey’s blue crop top and her underwear. “I want your fingers in me, I want you to twist me up inside and play with me-"

Lainey groans. “ _Jesus_ ,” she says, face coming up. Her pupils were huge, edging out any brown that remained in her eyes. She kisses down Keira’s belly. The way her shoulders look, bunched in concentration, the way her hair falls, pooling at Keira’s torso- it makes Keira burn hotter.

“ _Ah-_ ” Keira’s head jerks back, her eyes fly open as Lainey sucks her through her underwear. Her hips twitch. She’s burning, _burning-_

“I need you,” she’s babbling, “I need you in me, I love you, Lainey-”

Lainey moans against Keira’s clit and the vibrations feel like heaven. Keira wants to grind her face on Lainey’s nose, the wet heat of her mouth until she came.

Lainey moves Keira’s underwear to the side, holds Keira open. “Look at you,” she murmurs again, before she’s delving in, tongue swiping at the slick that’s pooled at the bottom of her pussy before lapping in, inside her hole. It feels so good Keira wants to black out.

“Lainey,” she’s crying, hands twisting in the bedsheets, “Lainey, Lainey, _Lainey-_ ”

She wants more, more of Lainey. Wants her deeper, wants her fingers to reach into her. “ _More_ ,” she gasps.

Lainey gets up, holds herself above Keira with a forearm braced against the bed, looking down at Keira’s face as she slides a finger into her. Keira flushes when Lainey slides in a second finger. Lainey pumps her hands in, slow, pressing into spots that made stars explode behind her eyelids. Keira’s head falls to the side, away from Lainey’s gaze.

“Nuh uh, baby,” Lainey murmurs, holding herself upright with her elbow as her fingers capture Keira’s chin, wrenching her face forwards so that their eyes meet, “I wanna watch your face when you cum."

Keira lets out a moan, punched out from the bottom of her stomach, when Lainey swirls her thumb around her clit, in circular motions, over and over and _over_ again until she’s throbbing. “I love you,” Lainey says, softly, sweetly against Keira’s lips, looking at her with those big doe eyes, “I love you, Keira.”

Keira cums around Lainey’s fingers, scrambling desperately at Lainey’s head. She kisses Lainey, feels that feeling explode within her when her head falls back and she looks at her. She wants to cry, kind of. Keep Lainey like this, on top of her, illuminated by the moonlight, forever.

She pushes Lainey back against the bed, Lainey, who just stares up at her with those large eyes. “Walk me through it,” Keira whispers against her lips, slipping a hand into Lainey’s underwear.

...

It’s ivy day. Her dad stands in front of her, waffle in his mouth. Judging her.

Pidge sits next to her. Across the table, Axac has his own laptop open. They’re mirror images of each other, the way they tended to be at everything else. Lainey’s on facetime with Pidge, who has their phone propped up towards Keira.

“Why Princeton?” Pidge is saying, judgily. “Like, of all the ivies?”

Kiera rolls her eyes. She knew Pidge was going to apply to all of them their senior year and get into _all_ of them. They had no room to judge. “I dunno, Pidge. They have good engineering programs and good law programs. That’s all I wanted.”

“Dude,” Pidge says around their banana, “They _all_ have good programs. They’re fucking ivies.”

Keira breathes out through her nose, frustrated. _“It’s a good thing she chose Princeton, though,”_ chirps Lainey, from their phone. _“It’s pretty close to UF.”_

The portal uploads. Lainey and Axac shout. Keira’s hands are shaking, she misclicks at the noise.

 _“Ah, shit,”_ Lainey says. _“I got waitlisted at UPenn. That’s okay, I wasn’t really expecting to get in anyways.”_

Axac’s grinning down at his laptop. He looks up at Keira. “On three?”

“Wait a minute, I haven’t even clicked yet,” Keira says, impatiently. Stilling herself, she opens the portal.

She gasps, stares across the table at her brother with wide eyes. “Axac!”

“Three,” Axac says, grinning, and they flip their computer screens around. Little tiger emojis fall from the top of the screen like rain. _CONGRATULATIONS_ , both their screens read.

“I got in, Lainey!” Keira shouts, clutching Pidge’s phone.

Lainey shrieks, her reaction louder than Keira’s. Realization hits her, and Keira feels her elation melt away, feels her heart drop.

“Too bad I’m not going,” Axac snorts, when Lainey’s done screaming.

“ _What?”_ Lainey says, baffled. _“Why not?”_

Axac snorts. “ _Everyone_ in my family went to Reed, that’s why.”

 _“Oh, really?”_ says Lainey. _“I didn’t know that.”_

“Yeah. Keira isn’t-”

Keira kicks her brother under the table.

 _“Oh, that’s too bad,”_ Lainey says, largely misinterpreting Axac’s statement. Thankfully. _“But at least you’ll be closer to me. And at least you’re gonna go to an ivy league instead, right? That’s huge!"_

“Yeah,” Keira forces out, feeling sick. “Huge.”

…

The Star Ball is beautiful. Alor’s got gold star lights hanging from the ceiling, fairy lights strung all over the walls. The curtains are white. Jamie and Keira had spent hours painting the walls bronze and horizon blue. The streamers- streamers?- are just little gold cardboard star cutouts that hung from string- “All compostable,” Alor had said. It looks like a little space-themed scene out of the twenties.

Alor, Jamie, and Keira serve food. Alor’s dressed head to toe in a white tux; he’d gotten ready really early and then had disappeared for a couple hours, and then shown up again all disheveled. Keira thinks he may have been sexting Maddie, but Keira also doesn’t want to think about that. He looks put together, now.

Keira’s wearing a red satin dress. It’s got a square neck, and sleeves that are tight until her elbow, where they fall out and to the ground, separated by a gold band. There’s a gold star cinching her waist. Her hair is curled, pulled upwards, held together by yet another gold star. Corinne had done her makeup before the ball had begun. They had also used glittery, aerosol- free hairspray. She feels like she’s walked out of a fake Renaissance film.

Lainey walks in, and Keira feels the breath knock out of her. Her hair is curled, too, but it falls delicately around her brown shoulders. Her skirt is bright blue, but shifts colors in the light, catches on green, purple. It’s light blue at the top, blends into darkers color near the bottom. Gold stars start at the waist and tumble to the hem of her skirt, clustered. The dress sticks to her like a glove, tight, cutting off at her shins. The fabric pulls slightly at her breasts, her abs. She’s so gorgeous. She was the most beautiful girl in the room. She was the most beautiful girl in the _world_ , probably. Lainey’s eyes catch on to hers, blink, light up. When she comes closer, Keira can see a star headband in her hair. Keira had made that for her, spray painted it gold.

“I brought Vincent,” she says, nodding towards her brother, who stands aloofly, navy blazer covered with tasteful silver glitter.

“Hi, Vincent,” Keira says, raising a hand. He eyes her coldly. She drops her hand.

“You look amazing,” Lainey breathes, grabbing Keira’s hands with her own.

“ _I_ look amazing? You look-!” Keira says, flabbergasted. Lainey laughs, kisses her lips, the corner of her mouth. Keira was going to melt here, grasped between Lainey’s fingers.

“Lainey! Is that you, my girl?” Corinne calls, her voice sing-songy.

Lainey turns, cocks her head back, holds her arm out like she’s greeting a high school friend at a wedding for the first time in two decades. “Is that-? Corrine, how are you _doing_ ,” she says dramatically.

Keira shakes her head, smiles into the punchbowl. Lainey was so _cute_.

“Want some punch…?” Keira asks, holding out a cup to her brother.

Vincent takes the punch; eyes her coldly. Walks away.

Keira huffs, annoyed. What was _that_ about.

Ryo and Raimon walk in. Ryo looks _amazing_ , in a black, tutu-type dress with gold orbits around the waistline, falling into stars at the hem. She was even wearing black ballet shoes and had her hair in a bun. Keira likes the sleeveless look, it shows off her figure really well, her curves and the thickness of her upper arms. Ryo was _incredibly_ athletic- both her and Shiro were- but she was a curvy girl, naturally, biologically coded to be that way. Keira thinks she’s gorgeous.

Raimon accompanies her, wearing a pink blazer and bowtie. He looks at Ryo like she hung the moon, even when she sees the candy table, gets excited and makes grabby hands for the reeses pieces. Keira snorts. Her sister.

“Hey, girl!” Ryo approaches her, mouth full of chocolate and peanut butter. “How you doin’?”

Keira shrugs. “Alright, I guess. Want some punch?” she offers a drink to Raimon.

Ryo makes a noise, offended. “Why not me? You bitch.”

Keira laughs, shakes her head. “You’re going to hate the taste and then you’re gonna complain about food being too sugary and then you’re gonna go on a rant about being healthy-”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Ryo relents, rolling her eyes fondly.

“I could use some punch,” Raimon says, shakily. Keira narrows her eyebrows at him, concerned, as he takes a sip.

“You’re- looking a little green there, buddy. You okay?” Keira asks.

“Yeah, I’m good,” he says, tugging at his collar. Ryo peers at him, anxiously.

“You sure, babe? You want something a little strong to make you feel better?” she asks, patting his arm reassuringly.

“Yeah, okay,” he says, gently, letting himself be swept away by his girlfriend.

Axac appears at Keira’s shoulder. He’s got on a purple blazer, a black shirt, a white tie. He says, “Wanna dance?”

Keira frowns. “I dunno, I’m technically working right now, so-”

“Oh, pish!” she hears, turns to see Alor with tears in his eyes. He’s maybe a little drunk. “Go have fun with your family! Your girlfriend! Keira,” he says, leans forwards, captures her hands in his own, “You are such a great friend and a huge asset to _Castleview_. I’ve enjoyed my time with you immensely and I love you to death. I will never not appreciate you. Now go have fun.”

He shoves her away from the punch stand. Keira blinks, alarmed. He’s maybe a _lot_ drunk. Axac holds out an elbow, Keira takes it.

They’re trying- and failing, miserably- to waltz, when someone cuts in and takes her from him. “Hey baby,” Lainey says, grinning so widely little crinkles form at the sides of her eyes. Keira feels heat bloom in her chest.

“Hi, Lainey,” Keira says, swaying forwards so that their bodies touched, and Keira’s head found home in the little crevice where Lainey’s neck and shoulder joined.

“Are you having fun?” Lainey murmurs into her temple. Keira smiles, tucks her head further against her girlfriend. Lainey’s arms loop around Keira’s waist, and then they’re just hugging and swaying on the dancefloor. Keira’s sure they look stupid.

There’s a sudden clanging noise.

“Excuse me!” Raimon calls, his voice breaking. He clears his throat, embarrassed. “Excuse me, if I could get your attention please?”

“What’s he doing?” Keira whispers.

“Hi everyone,” he says, hands clasped together nervously in front of him. “I hope you’re all having a good night. I’m sorry to interrupt, but. I’d just like to direct you all to my wonderful girlfriend, Ryo.”

Ryo, who had been staring curiously at Raimon until now, hand in her Reeses bag, suddenly freezes up, wide eyed. She smiles, nervously, waves at the crowd.

“Ryo has-” he breaks off, looks at her, “Been such a wonderful addition to my life. She’s funny, passionate, loving. She’s- the best person I’ve ever met. And, I don’t want to go on, because I _could_ go on, forever, but, I don’t want to distract you all from your night. I wouldn’t want to make this such a big deal, either, but, I figured, in front of all her friends and family would be a good place to do this-"

Raimon-

Gets to his _knees_.

A gasp goes through the crowd, murmurs start. Keira’s own eyes are wide, her hands clutching at Lainey’s arms. What on _earth_ was going on.

Ryo looks just as surprised, having just put a piece of candy into her mouth. Raimon is staring directly up at her, now. He talks loudly, but he’s talking to Ryo. It’s a private moment, one that they’re allowing everyone to witness.

“Ryo,” he starts, “I never- I never expected to fall in love. I had my sister, that was enough. I was happy. But you came in and you- you brightened my life,” he says, voice breaking. Ryo’s crying to, hands clasped over her mouth. “And I just- I didn’t know my life had been so unfulfilling, before. I just can’t see myself without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And so I figured I’d ask- will you marry me?”

Ryo starts choking on her candy. Raimon leaps up, pounds her on the back. She’s coughing like crazy.

“Should- should we go over there?” Lainey asks, scared. “I know how to do the Heimlich.”

“Uh…” Keira doesn’t know. “I dunno.”

The candy flies out of her mouth, the crowd steps back, relieved. Raimon says something quietly to her, rambling, eyes flitting about nervously. Ryo grabs his arm, cuts him off with a kiss. Says something back. Raimon smiles, wide.

Ryo turns around, pumps both fists in the air. “I said yes, people!” she shouts.

A cheer goes through the crowd. Raimon picks her up by the waist, twirls her around. Keira looks over at her brother, who is staring at the scene, wide eyed, aghast. He sees her. _What the actual fuck_ , he mouths and Keira just shakes her head and shrugs. She didn’t see it coming either.

“Well,” Lainey says, later, when the party is back in full swing, “ _That_ was unexpected.”

Keira snorts. “Seriously.” Keira sees a gold-rimmed door open, out onto the balcony. She motions over. “Wanna…?”

Lainey lets herself be pulled outside. They stare at the stars together, let the warmth of the music and chatter of the party wash over them.

“Wow,” Lainey marvels, looking upwards. “Ryo and Raimon’s story is so romantic. They had such a baller meet-cute.”

Keira scrunches up her nose. “A meet cute?”

“Yeah, you know. When the main character and their love interest meet for the first time. It’s always super romantic.”

Keira looks back at the sky.

“Do you remember when we first met?” Lainey murmurs, still looking at the sky.

“Uh…” she doesn’t. They’d _always_ known each other.

“It was recess, the first day of kindergarten,” Lainey says. “I was a half day kid- you know. Because ADHD. You weren’t, but that day, you didn’t want to go inside. You kept screaming at the teacher whenever she told you that recess was over. And when she picked you up, you just fucking- went to _town_ on her, god. Just- punched the living shit out of her. Or, tried to. I dunno. You were five.”

Keira stares at her, horrified. “I did _what_? Jesus.”

“Yeah.” Lainey’s grinning down at the railing, also painted gold. “So you were sent home with us on the bus, that day. Do you remember? You sat next to me. You gave me a box of those _Hello Panda_ cookies. They were delicious.”

Keira shakes her head, grinning. “I call bullshit.”

Lainey quirks an eyebrow at her. “Oh really?” Comes closer, tucks a loose strand of Keira’s hair behind her ear. Keira can see all her freckles from here, left uncovered by her foundation and highlighter. Lainey’s lashes are lowered as she looks at Keira’s lips. They rise, revealing Lainey’s big, sparkling, brown eyes. They look into her own.

“You had a fucking mullet,” Lainey says, and Keira lets loose a laugh, rolling her eyes. She _did_ remember that- Lainey had called her ‘mullet’ all throughout elementary school, until fourth grade, when she’d finally decided to grow her hair out. Lainey laughs. “Seriously, I thought you were a guy until you sat down next to me. And you had that spiky backpack from _Claire’s_ , the one that broke spectacularly in first grade. I thought you were so cool, Keira. The coolest girl in the world.”

Keira feels it, again, fizzling inside her like a soda pop. Lainey’s looking at her, devotional, _loving_ , and Keira’s heart can’t take it.

She breathes out, quick. “I love you.”

Lainey blinks, smiles. “I love _you_.”

Keira laughs, Lainey kisses her. It’s sweet. Keira feels like she’s floating.

At college, when people would ask them how they met, how would they answer? The short story is, they grew up together. But that was… more her and Addison’s story. High school sweethearts? That was Lainey and Lorraine’s story. So what’s theirs?

Keira guesses she could say it all started with a love letter.

“Lainey,” a voice interrupts. It’s Vincent. “Ms. Smythe got really drunk and Alor’s worried. She wants you to keep an eye on her alcohol levels.”

Lainey’s eyes widen, alarmed. “Fucking-” She speedwalks into the party.

Keira goes to follow her, but Vincent blocks the door. Keira blinks. “I should probably go check on Corinne-”

“You know a couple weeks ago, when you and Lainey went away for the weekend?” Vincent says, holding a hand up when Keira starts to protest. “You don’t have to lie to me, I snuck into the Garretts’ house pretending to be Lainey. Hunk and I hung out that night.”

Keira quiets. “Oh?”

“Well. Hunk got drunk and told me some _very_ interesting things that Pidge had revealed to her. About you.”

Keira narrows her eyes, catches on. She crosses her arms over her chest, sniffs. “Okay. I don’t have anything to hide.”

“But you do, though,” says Vincent, staring at her, coldly. His eyes looked like Lainey’s, but they weren’t warm like hers, or starry, or whimsical. They were steely, regarded her with distrust. “Hunk started telling me all about this family legacy that you have. How _everyone_ in your family has gone to this specific college. Pidge said you were going to commit to them.”

Keira’s heart is beating fast. Her insides squirm around into a knot. She lowers her eyes.

Vincent scoffs. “That’s what I thought. Lainey doesn’t even _know_ about this other school. She’s going around, telling everyone that you got into Princeton and that you’re still gonna be together in college. Were you not going to tell her? Were you just going to fuck off to this other school and have her wonder about where the fuck you were?”

Vincent continues, getting angrier. “Or were you going to tell her, and expect her to go along with her? Give up UF? Because she _will_ . She’ll sacrifice her dreams for you. Her fucking _dreams-_ she’s been wanting to go to this school since she was _four_ . She worked her _ass_ off for that Lacrosse scholarship. But you’re going to make her give it all up, aren’t you.”

Keira raises her eyes, defiantly. “Fuck you,” she spits. “You don’t know _shit_ about what I was gonna do. I _am_ committing to Princeton. We _will_ be together in college. You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about.”

Vincent blinks; surprised. But then his eyes soften. “Keira, even if you do… it’s a fifteen hour drive. Are you really willing to do long distance? And are you really just gonna give up on your dream college like that?”

Keira just glares, angrily.

Vincent sighs. “Keira, I’m just- Listen. I’m just trying to look out for my little sister here, okay? I know her, and I know long distance relationships. I know she’s going to try to do anything in her power to keep you guys together, and I know it’s just not going to work out. I know it’s going to crush her.”

“It _will_ work out,” Keira insists. “I love her. We love each other.”

Vincent shakes his head. “Keira…”

Keira feels blood drain out of her face.

“I think you two need to break up.”

Keira’s chin wobbles. “No,” she says. “ _No_.”

“Just- it’s what’s best,” Vincent says, putting a hand on Keira’s arm. “Think about Lainey.”

Keira jerks away, shoulder checks him as she walks back into the party.

She finds a tiny corner, inside. Curls in on herself. Tries to breathe.

…

Lainey’s crowded against Keira, hands underneath her jacket and face tucked under her jaw when the door opens.

Someone gags. “God, you guys. Can you not with that shit? At least not on my fucking birthday?”

“Sorry Pidge,” Keira says, making no effort to pull Lainey away.

“Yeah, sorry Pidge,” says Lainey, muffled, into Keira’s throat.

Pidge rolls their eyes, walks inside, muttering, leaves the door open behind them.

It’s a party; Pidge sure knows how to throw one. “My dad’s out of town for the weekend,” Pidge explains. “Alor came over to supervise.”

And supervising he was doing- yelling at kids for making messes, throwing them out. Guarding the staircase. Making sure no one under sixteen was drinking. Generally being that person at the party that you fucking hate. Keira could see the stress on his face. She snickers.

Pidge had their actual birthday celebration on their actual birthday, a couple days before. All the Shiroganes and Koganes and Holts were present, even if some of them were only present over facetime. Alor was there. Lainey and Hunk were, too. Pidge screamed when they opened their gift from Lainey and Hunk- the new _Mortal Kombat_ game- and cried when they saw the gift that everyone else got them, a new puppy named Rover.

The puppy was currently with Corinne, safe from the whims of drunken teenagers. Lainey’s hand remained in hers as they walked into the house, music from the living room pulsing into the hallways. The party wasn’t that big, but it was large enough that it spilled out into the backyard. Keira sees Axac sitting with his friends over on the couch, pulls Lainey towards them.

“Keira, McClain! Nice of you to join us,” Ezar said, head on Zeth’s overly-muscled chest. “How is the dream team?”

Keira sits down next to her brother, who is uninterested in the happenings around him, scrolling through instagram. Lainey sits next to her. They’re still holding hands.

“We’re the dream team?” Lainey asks, obviously very pleased at the description. “What about you two?”

Zeth grunt. “The fuck’re you talking about.” He tugs at one of the twists in his afro, gently nudges Ezar off of him. “Want anything?” he asks the group.

“Could I get a drink, please?” Natrid asks politely, on Ezar’s other side. Zeth walks away, pats Natrid’s shoulder. Ezar scowls at the ground, slouches on the couch.

Over the neck of his bottle, Axac makes eye contact with Keira, raising his eyebrows. Keira coughs.

Ezar snorts, raises a perfectly groomed, thick eyebrow in their direction. Subconsciously, Keira traces her own thin eyebrows before yanking her hand down, feeling stupid. “You’re wearing matching outfits. Of course you’re the dream team. Seriously, that’s some straight people shit.”

“Oh,” Keira says, blinking, looking down at herself. She’s wearing a red floral slip dress, an oversized denim jacket, white adidas superstars- because of their _amazing_ rating on the global fashion index- and the necklace Lainey had gotten for her, for valentines day. Lainey was wearing a blue floral slip dress over a white t-shirt, her brown bomber jacket. She was also wearing superstars.

Lainey winces. “Shit, we do match.”

“I honestly prefer that to matching with Axac.”

Axac gives them a thumbs up, still invested in his instagram feed.

Zeth comes back. “There was a shit ton of hard lemonade, so I just brought everyone some.” Keira accepts the bottle when it’s handed to her.

Pidge joins them. “Zeth!” they call. “I wanted to congratulate you!”

“For what?” he grunts, around the mouth of his bottle.

“For getting into MIT!” Pidge says, climbing up next to him, wedging their way between him and Ezar. Ezar looks affronted.

“You got into MIT?” Lainey says, leaning forwards, astounded.

Zeth nods. “I’m gonna commit.”

Something sours in Keira at that. She feels her breath shorten, her heart pound in her chest.

“That’s so cool,” Pidge says, stars in their eyes. “They’re my dream school.”

Zeth pats Pidge on the head. “You’ll get in no problem. Tiny fucking genius.”

“MIT?” Ezar asks, squinting. Zeth nods, staring at him suspiciously out of the corner of his eyes.

“Wow,” Lainey says, settling back onto the couch. She’s finished the bottle, her eyes are a little glassy. “Everyone is so smart. The best school I got into was like… Smith, or something.”

“That’s a great school, Lainey,” Keira says.

“You’re just saying that because you’re in love with me,” Lainey says, turning to Keira. Her face looked squishy, pressed against the back of the couch. Keira wanted to pinch them, kiss them.

“As sickening as this display is,” Pidge snorts, “Smith actually is a really good school. Don’t be embarrassed, Lainey.”

“Aw.” Lainey’s eyes soften. “Thanks, Pidgeroni.”

Keira looks back to Zeth, then carefully looks away again, inanely jealous, for a second, of Natrid’s blindness. Ezar was plastered against his side, murmuring something in his ear, Pidge unfortunately knocked to the ground and, _quite_ fortunately, ignorant to what was occurring behind them. After a couple moments, Zeth got up.

“So where are you planning to commit, Ezar?” Pidge pipes up, when Zeth has disappeared around a corner.

“Bentley,” he responds, grin sharklike, and then gets up from the couch, too.

It’s silent, for a moment, as Ezar leaves. When he’s gone from sight, Axac exhales, loudly. “Shit. _That_ was a lot to unpack.”

Keira coughs, trying not to laugh.

“What?” Lainey asks, tipsy. “What’d I miss?”

Keira shakes her head.

“What about you, Natrid?” Pidge asks, turning to them.

“Northwestern,” they say, tone clipped and professional like always.

“That’s so cool,” Pidge says.

“You were so unimpressed when Keira got into Princeton!” Lainey exclaims. “An ivy league!”

Pidge scoffs. “I’ve heard one too many a college rape case from those schools to consider them good.”

“Yeah, but the college rape scene is widespread at practically every college,” Axac responds, bordely, looking at his phone. “You just think it’s especially bad at ivy leagues because their histories of sexual assault get more exposure.”

“Still,” Pidge sniffs. “Anyways. Northwestern’s great. I hope you love it, Natrid.”

“What about Axac?” Lainey asks. “Why haven’t you asked him where he’s going?”

“Well, because he’s obviously going to Reed,” Pidge says. “And so is-”

“Pidge,” Keira interrupts delicately, “Pidge was planning on going to Reed. If they didn’t get into MIT.”

“Oh,” Lainey says. “That’s cool! You’d get to have a freshman year with Axac all over again.”

Axac and Pidge are staring at Keira, gazes heavy. Lainey doesn’t seem to notice.

“Actually, Keira wants to go there, too,” Axac says, too quickly for Keira to say anything. Keira whips her hair around to glare at him, scared, angry.

“What?” Lainey asks, eyebrows furrowed. “What do you… what do you mean?”

“It’s nothing,” Keira says quickly, panicky, sweaty. Her breathing picks up speed. God, Lainey was going to think she was a liar. Lainey was going to think Keira didn’t prioritize their relationship. Lainey was going to think Keira was selfish. She was going to think Keira didn’t love her. Lainey was going to _hate_ her. She was going to _break up with her_.

“Babe,” Lainey says gently, squeezing Keira’s hand, rubbing her thumb over the base of Keira’s. “It’s okay. Breathe. You can talk to me.”

Keira closes her eyes. Counts. Breathes in, for four.

“I, um,” Keira says, when she’s found her voice. “I was… considering Reed. Before… Princeton. I was gonna go there. But now that I’ve gotten into Princeton, I don’t want to go there.”

“It was your dream school, though,” Pidge says, flatly.

“Yeah, we made plans to dorm together and everything,” Axac adds.

“Yeah, well,” Keira interrupts, loudly. “Things change. I want to go to Princeton.”

“Are you sure?” Lainey asks, dubiously.

“ _Yes_ ,” Keira hisses. She blinks, alarmed, when hurt flickers over Lainey’s face. “I mean,” she blurts. “Sorry, I just.”

“It’s okay.”

“I want to go to Princeton,” Keira says. “I want to be closer to you.”

“Yeah, for sure,” Lainey says, smiling, but. It looks hesitant.

…

“Fuck!” Axac says. “I fucking- you’re gonna win.”

Keira watches in real time as the pool stick goes back, knocks one of Keira’s balls into a socket. “Wow. You’re really bad at this,” she says, pulling back the pool stick with her finger. She gets two balls in before she misses.

Axac’s grumbling when their dad taps him on the shoulder. “Eyes up, Shiro just got out of baggage claim.”

Axac and Keira tuck their phones away, stand. A woman watches them. They’re all decked in black, though Keira’s got a red ribbon in her hair and her burgundy docs on. She’s sure they look either like a trendy funeral procession, or like a wannabe runway show. Keira finds it fitting, that they’re wearing black- they’re waiting for Shiro, after all, and she barely wore anything _but_ black.

Shiro comes out, and they wave, silently- they’re a quiet family, at least in public- and suddenly stop waving when a woman comes out behind her and grabs onto her hand.

“Who the fuck…?” Axac mutters.

The woman’s got dark skin, darker hair, shades of umber. She’s matching Shiro’s muscle tank with a black sundress and big, black shades on the crown of her head.

“Hey guys,” Shiro says, grinning, when she reaches them. “God, I haven’t seen you guys in so _long-_ ”

She scoops Ryo, who’s closest to her, up into a hug. She squishes Axac and Keira tightly to her chest. Hugs Keira’s dad.

He moves towards the woman behind her when Shiro lets go. “And you must be Courtney…?”

Keira blinks, owlishly. Her _dad_ knows who the fuck this girl is, and she doesn’t?

The woman smiles, grateful and relieved. “Yes, it’s- it’s so nice to meet you at last-”

Her accent is Scottish. Her hair is long and flat, wavy at the ends. She’s tall, skinny, practically bones. She seems- nervous.

“We’re happy to have you,” her dad says, warmly, shaking her hand with two of his. Her grateful smile makes a reappearance.

“Um, not to be rude,” Axac starts, and Keira cringes, internally, “But who the fuck are you?”

The woman blinks, surprised. Shiro blushes.

“Um, guys-” Shiro says, making tiny, aborted movements, turning from the woman to them, “This is, uh. My… girlfriend? Courtney.”

Courtney’s eyes widen. She mouths the word- _girlfriend-_ and then she breaks out beaming.

“Oh,” Axac said. “Nice to meet you.”

They climb in the car. Keira finds a sixth seat has already been pulled up, in the trunk of the car. Ryo climbs in. “I’m too pudgy to sit in the middle seat,” she explains. Keira eyes her sourly. She just wanted the extra room.

Dinner hasn’t been made yet. Courtney’s excited about it. Apparently Shiro had told her all about the family dinners they had. They weren’t a traditional family in any sense of the word, but their family dinners, the one tradition they stood by, allowed for bonding to an extreme degree, encapsulated everything that made their family what it was- _their_ family. Courtney wants in on it.

They say fuck it, decide to make some budae jjigae. They’ve got Courtney cutting spam when she asks.

“So- how come you didn’t tell us you had a girlfriend, Shiro? Or tell us that she was coming over? From Scotland?” Keira asks, conversationally. Shiro winces.

“Seriously, are you okay with the fact that she didn’t tell us about you?” Ryo asks Courtney. She furrows her brows, looks at Shiro.

“Well,” Shiro starts, “Keira didn’t tell me about Lainey.”

“Lainey and I didn’t know we were dating,” Keira dismisses the statement.

“Okay, well. I also didn’t know Ryo was dating anyone.”

Keira and Axac turn and stare at Ryo. “Yeah,” Axac says slowly. “There’s a _lot_ there we don’t really know about.”

“Actually, I, um,” Courtney starts. “I didn’t- _request_ it, per se, but um-”

“Courtney and I met when I first arrived in Scotland,” Shiro says. “I was still going through the breakup, but we made a connection. She didn’t want to be a rebound. I didn’t want to _have_ a rebound. I didn’t know I was over Addy until after break. Before I came back-” Shiro pinks, clears her throat. “Um, well. We started dating after I came back.”

They look at Courtney. She blinks, startled. “I mean- yeah, I- that’s pretty much it.”

Keira grins, sharp, in her direction. Courtney rapidly flutters her eyelashes. Keira elbows Shiro. “She’s cute. I like her.”

“You know what,” Ryo says, mouth full of garaeddeok, “I like her too. And I never liked Addison. Like, even when she wasn’t fucking insane, I still thought she was a snob. You seem cool, Court.”

“Thanks,” Courtney says faintly.

Courtney tells the story of how they met, at dinner. She makes Shiro seem like prince fucking charming. “Boring,” says Axac, and Keira agrees. “Tell us stories that make Shiro seem stupid.” So Courtney starts talking about this lady, Slav, and Keira _swears_ she sees a blood vessel _actually_ pop in her sister’s forehead.

Dinner is nice. Courtney is nice, and Ryo’s right- she’s much nicer than Addison had ever seemed. Keira doesn’t know if that means she’ll stick around in Shiro’s life forever, in _their_ lives forever, but-

She seems willing to try.

…

“What?” Shiro says, shocked.

“Yeah, right?” Pidge says. “Where did Princeton even come from?”

Keira rolls her eyes. “I got a girlfriend, guys. And I wanna… I dunno. Make it work.”

“That’s sweet, Keira, but-” Shiro’s brows furrow. “Princeton? New Jersey? Do we- I fully don’t think we have enough money for that.”

Keira throws a rock at a passing mailbox, maybe a little aggressively. “Whatever.”

“Speaking of Lainey,” Pidge pipes up from the back. “Where the fuck is she?”

“Um,” Keira says, thinking. “Some- Lacrosse camp, for the weekend.”

Pidge glances towards the driver’s seat at Shiro, then grins. After a little bit, Shiro looks at them through the rearview mirror and grins back.

“What?” Keira says, immediately alarmed. “What are you- what?”

“We’re going on a road trip, Keira,” Pidge announces decisively. Shiro snorts.

“Sure, if you count a trip to the city as a road trip.”

They’re in Shiro’s old chevy. They’ve been in Shiro’s old chevy for a while, doing errands for Keira’s dad around town after dropping Maddie and Alor off at Portland Mercado for a date. Lainey had told her once that she’d wanted to take Keira there on a date, too. They drive past their house, which had been their destination, head instead towards Portland. They won’t tell her where she’s going, but it’s not that hard to guess. Keira finds herself maybe not resisting as much as she could be. It’s a nice drive, though, with her older sister and her best friend- they even go get subway, which Pidge has gotten addicted to.

They walk on to campus, follow around a tour for a little bit before Shiro mumbles, “fuck this, let _me_ just give you a tour” before she steers Keira around to different buildings and gives her an unofficial run down of buildings Keira already knows, buildings she’d grown up around.

Keira feels… complete. Excitement courses through her blood, thrums beneath her skin when she glimpses classes taking place in different buildings. She sees kids walking and they look like they feel the way Keira feels. She sees red brick buildings and the flowering greens of the trees, sees people huddled together in a circle, laughing, _happy_ . There’s something so utterly _Portland_ about Reed and it just…

It reminds her of her mom. It… reminds her of Lainey.

Shiro is describing Renn Fayre to Pidge, telling them about the thesis walk and the bonfire when Keira sits down at their table. The pair had left Keira to wander, opting to sit down at one of the cafes in the marketplace. Shiro quiets down, at Keira’s heavy look and the solemn way she sits, hunched forwards.

“Wanna talk about it…?” she offers.

There’s a pit in Keira’s stomach, created from a low, sinking feeling that has been there for a while. A feeling of guilt, a feeling like she’d been betraying everything she loved and stood for.

“I can’t go to Princeton, can I,” Keira forces out, and she feels like a weight has been simultaneously lifted and dropped onto her chest.

Pidge grins, and Shiro looks at her, softly. “That’s a decision you have to make for yourself.”

Keira hunches in on herself, further. “I… love it here. I’ve always loved it here. There’s never been anywhere else for me.”

Shiro caves, finally smiles. Pidge says, “So you’ve made your decision?”

Keira nods, morosely. “I just…” she didn’t want to go to a school far away from Lainey because she loved Lainey. But. She was in love with Portland, too. With Reed. She loved her family, her brother, who- Keira feels the breath fall out of her- if she had committed to Princeton, Axac would’ve had to go to college _alone-_

Pidge places a hand on Keira’s shoulder. “Keira… it’s okay. I know you felt like you had to make a choice. But you don’t have to! Why can’t you have everything you want? Why do you have to force yourself to choose? Compromise, you know?”

Keira smiles, but she could feel it, something new pressing down onto her chest.

…

She brings it up to Lainey after a week, after she spends hours and hours mulling it over, after she spends every waking minute thinking about it. She’s thought about it so much she doesn’t even feel anything at this point, really- she’s tired, exhausted, dull, but... she knows what she has to do.

They’re at Lainey’s house, in her backyard, messing around on a picnic blanket with crafting materials. Lainey’s notoriously bad at everything visually artistic. “It’s the jock in me,” is her excuse. Keira finds it adorable.

The sun is setting, casting over Lainey in a golden glow. She’s on her back, legs bent, knees pointing in the air. Her hair pools around her. She looks beautiful.

“Lainey…” Keira begins, smile sliding off her face after a humorous spiel about how swans, even clay ones, were terrifying, “I need to talk to you about something.”

Lainey’s head turns towards her, Keira watches the edge of her jaw, the stretch of her neck. “Mhm?”

“Lainey, I…” Keira takes a deep breath in, tells herself not to pussy out, “I’m going to Reed.”

Lainey blinks, a shadow of anxiety cloaking her face, before she sits up. Gravity pulls her hair downwards, over the crisp, white tank top she wore. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Keira blinks. “That’s- That’s it?”

Lainey shrugs. “I mean, yeah. I kind of… figured this was coming. It wasn’t very unexpected.”

“Really?” Keira tugs on the ends of her hair. “So… you’re okay? With it?”

“I mean, yeah,” Lainey says, chews on her bottom lip. “It’s okay. It’ll be fine. I got into UC Davis, so.”

Keira stiffens up. “What?”

Lainey shrugs. “It’s closer to Reed than UF is to Princeton, anyways. It’s a bit more expensive, but-”

“Lainey, wait,” Keira says, eyebrows furrowing. “UC schools don’t give scholarships. Do they- do they even have a D1 team? Is it even any _good?_ ”

Lainey frowns, smally. “I mean, it’s not great, and. Yeah, it’s really expensive, but-”

“Lainey, _no_ ,” Keira says, emphatically, emotions welling up inside of her. “You can’t- you can’t just fucking-”

Lainey’s outright scowling now, eyebrows narrowed. “ _You_ can’t tell me where I want to go to school.”

“No, I’m not trying to-” Keira cuts off, makes a frustrated noise. “Lainey. I know you. I _know_ UF is your dream school. You _can’t_ give that up for me.”

Lainey’s looking at the ground. Her hair slips over her shoulder and hides her face. Keira wants to hug her.

“Well. Too bad. I’ll be fine, I can take out a loan.”

Realization dawns on her, pours down on her like an icy waterfall. She feels like crying, for a bright, angry second, before it vanishes away, leaving her hollow inside.

“Lainey…” she says, and Lainey must know, must hear something in her tone, because she looks up, teary eyed, scared. She shakes her head.

“No, Keira-”

“I think we need to-”

“Wait, you don’t have to-”

“We need to break up.”

Lainey’s face crumples, inward, then goes angry. “So, what, we’re going to different schools and now you’re gonna break up with me? Just like that? You’re not even- you’re not even gonna _try?_ ”

Keira hates it, hates that she’s the one who put that expression on Lainey’s face. Hates that it’s directed at her. Keira stands up, and Lainey’s gaze follows. Her lips were red and glossy. Keira just wanted to hold her.

“I can’t be the reason you give up on your dreams,” Keira says, dully, brushes off her skirt. Goes to leave.

She’s still hollow when she gets to her bike, when she drives home. When she clambers up the stairway in her house. She plants herself face down on her bed, and that’s when she curls in on herself, feeling like the whole world has collapsed around her.

…

They’re playing cards against humanity, the six of them- Keira and her siblings, her dad, Courtney. They were trying to get to know Courtney better, and she was trying to get to know them. Keira thinks they may also be trying to comfort her. She’s fine, though. Probably.

Axac’s winning, ruthlessly, when the doorbell rings.

“I’ll get it,” Keira’s dad announces, makes his way to the door. He comes back after a few moments, shooting a worried look in Shiro’s direction.

“It’s- for Ryo,” he says.

Brows furrowed, confused, Ryo goes to the door. After a little bit, Ryo’s voice wafts over to the coffee table where they’re sitting, high and panicked. Shiro tenses up.

“Should I go see-?”

“No,” Keira’s dad says, too fast. He shoots a worried glance over at the door.

“Raimon, wait-” Ryo is saying, as he walks into the living room. He’s got on a grey coat, a pink scarf.

“Who are you?” Shiro says, icily, regarding him from the table.

“I’m-” Raimon’s eyebrows furrow, confused. He points back to Ryo with his thumb, looking between the sisters. “Um, I’m- Ryo’s fiance?”

Axac and Keira stare at each other wide eyed from across the table. Ryo’s face looks like the titanic sank on it.

Shiro’s eyes go _huge_ . Her back straightens, she sets her cards down neatly onto the table in front of her. “I’m sorry,” she says evenly, “her _what_?”

“Her fiance,” Raimon says, but he’s not looking at Shiro- he’s looking at Ryo. “I’m Ryo’s fiance.”

“I’m sorry, Raimon,” Ryo says, and she really does seem apologetic, but of the situation or of apparently keeping things from both her sister _and_ her fiance, Keira can’t tell. “I’ll- I’ll call you later, okay?"

“Yeah,” Raimon says, clearly annoyed. Keira winces, but despite his anger, he kisses Ryo on the forehead as he goes to leave. “Call me later.”

“Ryo,” Shiro says. “What. The _fuck_.”

“Why don’t I give you a house tour, hmm?” says Shiro’s dad to Courtney. She looks grateful.

“Yes, please,” she says.

“I’m in love with him,” Ryo says, stubbornly.

Shiro looks incredulous. “ _So?_ ”

“Shiro-” Ryo begins.

“How long have you guys even been dating?”

“Yeah, actually,” Axac says, alarmed. “Haven’t you guys only been dating for like- two months?”

 _“Two months?”_ Shiro looks like she’s about to faint.

“No!” Ryo exclaims. “We’ve been- we’ve been dating for six. But we’ve known each other for almost two years. We- we unofficially saw each other for most of that time.”

“Ryo,” Shiro begins. “Addison and I dated for eight years. What in the world makes you think you and _this_ kid will be fine, after- not even a _year_ of dating?”

“I’m sorry,” Axac says, “You guys have been dating since _November_ ? And you didn’t _tell us_?”

“Ryo,” Keira says. “What the _fuck_.”

“I’m _sorry_ , okay?” Ryo exclaims, voice high pitched and reedy. “I’m- I’m sorry I lied to you. But will you please jut- fucking hear me _out_?”

They sit, quiet. Stare her down. Shiro’s arms are crossed in front of her chest.

Ryo sighs. “First of all, we aren’t you and Addison. Nothing, like, dramatic has ever happened between us. And, when Raimon and I first started dating… Shiro had just broken up with Addison. I didn’t want to say anything, especially because, well. We had _been_ seeing each other for so long, even if we hadn’t put a name on it… but then it got really intense, really fast, and.”

Ryo’s looking at them, in their direction, but her expression is far away, fond. “I dunno… it’s just. I started seeing a future with him. Specifically him, without anyone else. And honestly… even if he hadn’t proposed, or if we break up in the future… I dunno. Romance isn’t what I’m interested in spending my life chasing. If he isn’t it for me, then… no one is. I’m not gonna waste my time looking for love. Especially because I already have it.”

Axac’s eyes soften, he looks kind of moony. Kiera gets it, honestly.

“I’m-” Keira starts, feels her throat clog up. She’s thinking of-

“We’re okay with it,” Axac says, gently, hand on Keira’s shoulder.

Shiro’s arms are still crossed over her chest, but, begrudgingly, she says, “...Fine. Okay. I’m okay with it, too.”

Ryo grins, relieved. “Good. I want you to be my maid of honor.”

Shiro blinks, surprised, looks over at the twins. “Are you two-?”

“It’s fine,” Axac waves away her worried expression. “Keira’s gonna be my best man when I get married. Best woman. Whatever.”

Shiro looks at her. She shrugs. “Vice versa, I guess.”

Shiro looks up at Ryo, eyes wet. “Yeah, okay I’ll do it.” She sniffles, Keira rolls her eyes. She’s such a sucker for love.

Keira’s dad’s voice wafts down from above them. “And oh, will you look at that, we’ve made it to the living room.” He peers down at the siblings. “Everything okay here?”

“Yes,” Ryo says, happily. “Everything’s great.”

…

Dress shopping is-

Horrible. It’s horrible. They go to like, five boutiques before Ryo finally caves and says she’s not interested in buying a dress for four grand. They actually manage to finally get a dress that’s to her liking, a ballgown dress with a sweetheart neckline. It’s only like, four hundred bucks, too. They go to the mall to try to find bridesmaids dresses. The wedding is going to be blush pink- practically white blush pink, to match the dress they’ve found- and black. Keira and Axac find pale pink dresses and suits, facetime Pidge and Maddie to see what they want to wear, as Ryo’s other bridesmaids. Shiro gets a black dress. Alor’s a groomsman; apparently he and Raimon had become really close friends recently, being from the same place in England, or something. 

When they’re done, they go to a flower shop to pick out a bouquet. Ryo’s going over to see Raimon, later. She hovers over the flowers, asks in their general direction, “What do you think he’d like?”

Shiro snorts. “I don’t know. I barely know the guy.”

Keira sees Ryo flinch, the way she always did when Shiro would mention how little her and Raimon knew each other. Something stirs within her, at that. Shiro was Ryo’s maid of honor. Maybe it was her time to try to get to know him better.

A heavy arm suddenly slings around Keira’s shoulder, and she looks up to see Axac with a vague look of dread on his face, smiling with his eyes wide, panicked.

“What’s wrong?” Keira asks, trying to twist around in his grasp.

“Hm? Oh, nothing-” Axac tries, attempting to keep her stationary, but failing. Keira glimpses-

She’s with Hunk, standing outside Claire's, holding a teddy bear in her hand. Laughing. She looked so good when she laughed. She was wearing white sweatpants and they looked amazing on her.

Keira feels her breath shorten, feels her vision tunneling. She clutches onto Axac’s shirt for balance.

“Hey,” Axac whispers. “Let’s go somewhere else, okay?”

Hunk’s eye catches onto them. She stares at them as they exit the mall.

…

Commitment day was Thursday. She’d committed to Reed, and then crawled under her covers. She’s been in bed all weekend.

Her dad gives them nine mental health days a year. She hadn’t used them her first semester. She guesses she’s using them all now.

Her dad sends Axac to school on Monday with another note. Brings her food in bed, just soups. He’d brought hotteok on Saturday. Usually it reminded her of her mom. Now it just reminded her of Lainey.

That night, he comes into her room and stripps the covers off of her. “Come on,” he says. “We’re going to get milkshakes.”

“What?” Keira says blearily. She’s in a tank top and underwear. Her dad throws her a zip up hoodie and some sweatpants.

“You heard me,” he said. “Milkshakes.”

 _The Lion Cafe_ was empty, practically, barring a few truckers and a family towards the back. Keira gets a table as her dad walks over to a jukebox, talks to the waitress. She brings over two strawberry milkshakes when a song starts playing from the jukebox. It’s _Everybody Wants to Rule the World_ by _Tears for Fears_. Her dad grins, walks over to the table.

“You know,” he starts. “Your mother and I used to come here when we were dating. All the time.”

Keira’s eyes widen. Her dad never talked about her mom, the pain of being separated after a business trip gone awry for so long only to find out, after she had passed away, that they had been in the same city the whole time. “You did? I didn’t know that.”

Her dad is playing with the dark ring on his thumb. It was their wedding band. They were going to get married. They never got the chance to.

“She loved this place. She always played this song, at _least_ twice. She used to-” he grins, shakes his head. “She would fill condoms with cottage and leave them hidden on chairs. How she never got caught eludes me…”

“What!” Keira exclaims. “That’s-... kind of genius, actually.”

Her dad’s smile dims. “There’s- there’s so much I should’ve told you about her. You and Axac. I just… I never did. Talking about her hurt too much.”

“It’s okay, dad,” Keira says, softly.

He smiles, ruefully. “It’s not. I’ve relied on your sisters too much, I know I have. I’ve never gotten the opportunity to be the father I should have been.”

“It’s not really your fault,” Kiera points out.

“Yeah, but…” her dad sighs. “I missed the opportunity to see you as a kid. You’re almost grown up. You act like you are. I wanted to see you act like a teenager, a little bit. You know. Have some fun. That’s why I was so happy to see you with Lainey.”

“I don’t want to talk about Lainey,” Keira says, darkly.

Her dad smiles, placidly. “I don’t know what happened between you two. But I know that… you opened up around her. Not with us, you’ve always been like that with us, but. To her. To the world.” His eyes grow misty. “You remind me of your mom. Don’t… don’t hide that part of yourself.”

“I-” Keira’s voice is thick, wet. “Dad, I… really miss her.”

He smiles. When he speaks, his voice is watery. “I know you do. I do, too.”

Keira wipes at her face, dries the tears that have been making tracks down her cheeks. “Can- Can I borrow a quarter?”

Her dad hands her one, silently.

“So-” she says, standing up. “You said she’d play this song twice?”

Her dad laughs. “More than that. Usually until they kicked us out of here.”

Keira puts the quarter in the jukebox slot, plays the song again. She turns around and her dad is looking at her, all soft and misty eyed. She grins.

“Cool.”

…

Hunk throws a graduation party, but it’s more for the entire student body rather for just herself. People are laughing, crying over having to leave each other. Most of them had grown up around each other their whole lives. It was going to be weird, not seeing these people every day.

Axac had made her come. She dressed up, wondering if Lainey was there, wore a tight, red, floral dress that reached about mid calf, a white cardigan, a red ribbon. By the time she’d gotten to Hunk’s she’d felt stupid. They were… not together anymore. Who was she trying to impress?

Lainey’s the first thing Keira sees when she steps inside. She’s wearing a sky blue halter top and some low waisted dark jeans. It shows off her collarbones, her shoulders, the jut of her hips, her midriff. Keira beelines towards the alcohol.

She’s down one bottle of Coors Light when she goes to find Pidge. Sees Lainey there and swerves. Is nursing her way through a second bottle when she sees her again, talking to Axac and his friends. Is gripping the neck of her third bottle when she sees her talking to Lorraine on the couch in front of the kitchen. _Fuck_. Keira feels sick.

“Woah, Keira,” Hunk says, after Keira’s lost count of how many drinks she’s had and her hair is slipping out of her ponytail. “You alright, there?”

“Fine,” Keira snaps. “I’m… I’m fine.”

“Maybe you should…” Hunk pulls the bottle from Keira’s grasp, pushing her arm away gently when she makes grabby hands towards it. “Hold off on these for a little bit.”

“It’s just beer,” Keira grumbles. She hates beer. It tastes bad and there’s not enough alcohol in it.

Hunk laughs. “Let’s get you outside, okay?”

Hunk’s parents have a pool, so she and Keira go sit at one end of it, dip their feet in the water. Around them, the party is chaos, but a quiet chaos, kind of a sad chaos. A ton of people aren’t ready to leave this town, leave behind everything they’ve ever known. Others can’t fucking wait. Either way, emotions ring high in the air.

“Can I ask you something?” Keira says, tugging her cardigan closer to her body. When Hunk makes an affirmative noise, she continues. “Did she… end up committing to UF?”

“Yup,” Hunk says. “I was there.”

Keira sags, relieved. “Thank god.”

“Seriously,” Hunk agrees, mildly amused. “It hurt Lainey, when you- you know. Parted. But… I’ve gotta thank you. She was gonna give up her dreams. It was really brave and selfless of you to do what you did."

Keira feels teary, emotional. Muggy. Ugh, she’d had too many beers. “Thanks, Hunk.”

“You must really love her.”

Keira brings her knees up, towards herself. Buries her face in them. “I do.”

She misses Hunk leaving, too dazed to pay attention to anything but the slight motion of the pool water, the aqua color and the way light glinted off it. When she feels a hand on her back, she thinks it’s Hunk, maybe even Pidge. She starts when it’s Lainey.

“Hey,” she says, sits next to her and leaves no room between them. They sit, touching, from their knees until their shoulder. Lainey’s looking at her.

“I’m drunk,” Keira says. Lainey snickers.

“I know.” Lainey looks out at the pool. Her hair, in waves, tumbles down her back. “I’m kind of drunk, too.”

“I saw you hanging out with Lorraine,” Keira blurts.

“Yeah,” Lainey says, scrunching up her nose. “It was so uncomfortable. I think she was… trying to apologize? But failing? I dunno. I don’t think we’ll ever be okay.”

“That’s okay,” Keira says, shrugging. “You don’t need to be friends with your exes.”

“You’re my ex,” Lainey points out. Keira turns her head away.

“We can be friends,” she says. She doesn’t want to be just friends.

“I get why you did it, you know.” Lainey says. Keira hears her kick the water. “It was mature of you, and everything.”

“Yeah,” Keira says.

“Keira,” Lainey says, her hand on Keira’s elbow. It slides up to her wrist, her hand. She tangles their fingers together. Keira feels her heart thrumming in her chest. She looks up at Lainey. “I can’t be your friend. I’m still in love with you.”

Lainey isn’t making eye contact, but Keira needs it, now, surging towards Lainey with a newfound energy. She takes Lainey’s face in her hands, squishing her cheeks together comically. “I do too,” she blurts. “I’m in love with you too.”

Lainey’s face lights up. “Huh.”

“You _know_ I do,” Keira says, irritated, looking at Lainey’s lips. 

“I still wanna be yours,” Lainey says, a sense of urgency under her words. “I wanna- I wanna try our best. At least… until we leave. I want to be your girlfriend in college, too. It’s up to you, though. We can break up if you want to, but I still love you-”

“Okay,” says Keira. She takes Lainey’s hands. “I wanna try, too.”

Hope is seared into every pore of Lainey’s face. It makes Keira’s heart flutter, love and affection making her silly. “Yeah?” she says.

Keira kisses her lips.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really trying to improve as a writer so any comments/criticisms would be amazing! Try to be nice, I'm sensitive!
> 
> Character guide! Big ones:  
> Ryo= Ryou (From Golion, he isn't a character in VLD. He's Shiro's younger brother.)  
> Addison= Adam  
> Axac= Acxa  
> Keira's dad/Krolatz= Krolia  
> Alor= Allura  
> Maddie= Matt  
> Raimon= Romelle  
> Lorraine= Lotor
> 
> Minor (like. Really minor):  
> Rianna= Ryan Kinkade  
> Idan= Ida Leifsdottir  
> Regina= Regris  
> Sendai= Sendak  
> Thalia= Thace  
> Rayne=Ryner  
> Plax= Plaxum  
> Floran= Florona  
> Nima/Rola= Nyma/Rolo  
> Natrid/Ezar/Zeth= Narti/Ezor/Zethrid


End file.
